The sun is coming up as I type

i'm not even bothering with captials. it's 6am; fuck it. tonight was insane. totally interesting. let's do it in reverse. i changed into my pjs. i cleaned the kitchen. i took out the trash, made maya's lunch, messed around with the cats, gave them some milk, jogged pretty hardcore to the mailbox and back, signed a card for sweet haden that says on the front "i'm thinking about monkeys..." and when you open it, it makes monkey noises and says, "and now, so are you!" that i had everyone else in the house sign too. i noticed how sad and sick my mother looks.. i don't think she's even been off the couch other than to go to the restroom or to bathe since i have been back.. and that's been more than a month. on the coffee table, there is a vase of pink roses and white carnations that i couldn't help but notice from valentine's day. they are all wilted, almost spent. it seemed like yesterday that they were so pretty and fresh. it seems the flowers are much like my mother. i worry about her so much, i don't know if she realizes how much.. but goddamn i love her. i'm worried she won't be in the world on this plane of existence too much longer, and i don't want my mother to stop tangibly existing in my life.. but f**k me sideways, she's only a shadow of the woman i once knew. i miss her. i miss my mom. i want to go back to the start, before she got sick, and prevent it. (i wish i could do the same for miss maya and her diabetes. no luck). if some deity or whatever came down from the heavens and told me that i could sacrifice my time on this planet and my life in exchange for the health and well being of my daughter and my mother, plus a long and happy life for them, as well as haden, i would gladly give myself up to the universe, no questions asked. most days i don't really feel like existing anyway. i feel like as much as there is to see in this world, there's probably much more on the other cide that i do not remotely comprehend.. but i know my existence will continue... especially if i give up this life for martyrdom. alas, i know that's not really a feasible option. however life, if you give me the choice, i won't even question. i'm yours to relieve. just please, heal the people that i love, and make their lives spectacular. i've only been through 29 yrs and a little over a month, but i've done a lot. most of my life has been about the absence of money and i wouldn't have it any other fucking way. fuck currency. fuck possessions. none of it matters when you turn into worm food. ok... maybe i don't even feel like doing this backwards anymore. maybe i feel like rambling on however i want to. i'm trying to go back to the beginning.. let's face it, i'm fucking tired and cranky. i was supposed to be going somewhere right now. i was supposed to be with my bff on my way out of town. it isn't happening thought, through no fault of anyone. i'm a bit bummed, but it's ok. i wanted to ramble on, but i can clearly see the world outside at this point. reminder to self: talk about closing conversation w isaac and evan. talk about creepy guy from the buccaneer. slow club, wakarusa, lucero, ben and his tom waits voice, derby girls, drunk pbr lasy, trivia night, paninis, sasquatch, traci, paul, erin, nola, monster, adipex, aderol, paleo veggie diet, my allergies to ecercise,miranda cosgrove, the postal service, james, ben, doyle, shuffleboard, andy, dick fuckin chaney, recycling at work and home, cats, laundry, and whatever else i can recall. until then, i must pass out. what a long day. let's hope evan wants me to work for him tomorrow. i love shameless and modest mouse also and want to say some things about that, and "my ex and his wife, and spring break, and sasquatch vs gathering. also maybe mazzy starr. K. must paSS OUR. out. sleepy as fuck i don't want a tv on.musib is better. oj, snf msys's texy wew nor in regard to reporting to different cultures of kife. for now,DONE.