bouganvilla seeds

i had a dream last night that i was having a baby (i am definitely not. celibacy is 99.99% effective, after all.. the exception being christ's mom or whatever). i remember going into labor and feeling like i could take care of it on my own. then i realized it was a horrid mistake, and when i pushed, the baby fell out without a sound. it's eyes could barely open, it was so tiny and pink, and the umbilical cord intact, and it opened its little mouth and scrunched his eyes and he was so small (i never really determined the sex, but i kept calling him a he). he looked confused, like he just wasn't supposed to be there. and the dread set in when i realized he wasn't ready to be born. he was too premature. i'd no clue how long i'd been pregnant, but it was not long enough, and this cold panic set in. i called for a nurse, i was freaking out, just telling them over and over to please save him, to keep him alive.

his father came into the room then, someone i have loved and known, and the look on his face when he saw the baby was amazing. the nurse was listening to the baby's heart, her eyes widened, and she shook her head, telling me he had maybe 3 minutes left. i implored the nurse to get an incubator, to warm him up, to give him oxygen and iv meds, but all she could say was how sorry she was, and there was nothing to be done. it was over before his life began, before he could even cry.

my heart broke and i handed him to his father so he could see him, caressed the baby's little body, and together we slowly watched the color drain, the shallow breathing cease, until he was cold. he turned an almost translucent grey color at that point. i was devastated.

then it got stranger. i told the nurse it was like he never existed at all. it was surreal, terrible and sad. i was left alone to mourn, but someone very unlikely came in. it was the father's ex-wife. she told me she knew what i was going through because it had happened to her as well. we've always really disliked each other.. but this was the first time i felt she was being genuinely nice to me. we had a common pain that we'd shared with a man we'd both loved, and we actually hugged. it was crazy.


i don't know why this dream would spring to mind, but it made me begin to analyze. first, i wondered if it's because my ex and his wife are pregnant, and the fact that she's had 4 miscarriages is heavy on my mind.
second, the very obvious tragedy that the father in the dream and his ex-wife went through together.


how odd. it was so sad. it made me mourn a child i will never see. i'm a mess. at least i recognize it.

and now for music.. i am addicted to sam beam. i am suppsosed to see him at sasquatch but am seriously reconsidering going because the rainbow gathering is one month later in washington state, and i want to bring miss maya with me, if i can get in touch with a friend i haven't seen since i was in san fransisco last (2006).
in any capacity, here is tonight's music, and for some reason, hearing it is what made me remember my dream. enjoy.