Updates & Whatnot

here's what's going on.

greg got me a 1/3 carat diamond ring on a white gold band. it's too big but we're going to fix that. it's the nicest piece of jewelry i've ever had, and he gave it to me just when i was beginning to think i was never going to measure up to his expectations. i guess i am doing something right! i asked if it was an engagement ring and he said it was a promise ring, so i asked if when he proposed was i going to get another ring and he said, "oh no". so the next day i was buggin him about the actual significance of said ring, and he said "let me put it this way: will you marry me?" and laughing i said, "it so doesn't work that way! you cannot ask me to marry you b/c i am nagging!" and he said (in a sweet lil voice): "coley, please marry me... someday i don't know when but please?" and i smiled and said "ok". so that's how that went. take it for what you like. i'm happy about it, and it's still pretty undefined to me.

we have put down a deposit on a townhouse in lexington. it's a 2 bedroom, but both bedrooms are like 14'x15' so there is plenty of room for a certain 7 year old girl as well as a small baby. it's 1250 sq ft. there's a pool and fitness room on the premises. i like that we have a washer/dryer hookup. there's a half bath downstairs, a big combined living/dining room, kitchen with no dishwasher (but i've lived a year without one, and it's not bad). there's a patio with the balcony on top of it. upstairs the bedrooms are next door to one another and the balcony stretches from one bedroom to the next, which i love. the bathroom is super tiny; you shower and have the potty right next to each other in a galley type area that's quite tiny. however, the sink is in a more open area and it makes the bathroom seem quite large where it's important. there's tons of storage in this place too. all for the fair price of $827/month, which includes electric, gas & water. this alone makes it totally worth it. if you add the fitness area and subtract a monthly ymca membership, plus the huge amount of money we spend in gas (not to mention the wear it's put on my car), we're coming out ahead. yes, ahead.
the property is quite close to a disc golf course too that stretches through forest trails. there's a nice running trail too and lots of family stuff. whole foods is only a 5 minute drive. greg will make it to work in 10 minutes instead of 45. i have 3 lowe's options to transfer to, one less than 10 minutes away. the school district rates high, which is something very important to me.
i'll be close to ethnic food, book stores, and starbucks. there's a baby-sitter i'm getting to know only a street up from our neighborhood. i know at 827 one would think we'd be struggling, but we will be able to save money (small amounts at a time) which is great.

what else? i'm in the process of enrolling in school for the fall semester. i'm only going to bluegrass community college but it's a start. i want to get my basics done there and then transfer to uk. i think i'm going to do environmental science. my whole life i've been a treehugger and i want to go into work that will make it possible for me to devote my career to helping our mama earth. i'd like to work in national parks. no, i don't have visions of dollar signs dancing in my brain, but i plan on being comfortable and working in the best places in the country (someday the world). it's awesome of greg to support me in this endeavor.

on the parental front, my parents spoke to me before i had surgery & promised to bring maya to see me. they decided after i came out ok to push it back. they're thinking monday, which is tomorrow, and greg and i both have to go back to work. am i actually looking for them to arrive? no. do i think they'll make it before maya returns to school? not really. but as soon as i'm done with this moving mess i should be able to go get her. i hope.

generally speaking i'm ok. i still don't feel my best but i'm a bit sore from surgery. ow. after i went to memphis and returned home, i've decided it is not in my best interest to drink, like, ever. it's nothing but trouble for me. i had places to stay, rides home, and everyone backed out on me. still, it was ultimately my bad choice to go out at all. i know it was a stressful time with my granny and everything but that is no excuse to get intoxicated. i have issues and none of them are helped by drinking. obviously i can't do it at all since i cannot do it in moderation. i feel better, healthier, since i have decided not to partake. i've also been shown in great mental detail how messed up i was when i was a partier. this became largely apparent just by going out the couple of times i did in memphis.
first of all, the hangover i suffered after my first night out was brutal. i used to drink like that everyday, and i thought being a mccann i would be able to handle it like a champ. not only was i totally wrong, but i was super-concerned this was a daily part of my existence. i was an all-out alcoholic.
also, even though i said i'd never drink again in front of maya, i went to my dear meredith's house and got pretty schwilly on some wine. even if maya didn't directly see me drinking, she's not stupid and no doubt knew.
when i got back to ky from that trip i got into a horrible argument with greg about it. he said some things about it that was incredibly harsh. it made me feel like a terrible person. i thought he was being hard on me, overly harsh, and i felt like breaking down for a few days. i was almost scared. after some intense, brutal soul searching... i realized that, while very harshly spoken, everything greg had said was right. also, his demands for my normalcy no longer seemed like lofty ambitions, but became things i realized had to be true for me to exist in every day life. if i really want to make it, i have to grow up, become responsible.

hmm. that's it for now. there's a family reunion today. i'm not remotely related to anyone in the aforementioned, but i am obligated to go and will show off my son gladly.

So-Called Friends

in other aspects the trip changed how i feel about some people. i confided all my faults and the fact that greg was right to who i thought was a best friend. this is someone i've grown apart from, but i never understood why b/c i was gone when i moved to fl for much longer than i've been in ky. this friend has changed as much as me and even though claiming it was me that left, i think we've both grown into people the other no longer recognizes. i have some incredibly harsh feelings towards this person at this time, and i haven't spoken to her in weeks. how sad that a friendship could snuff out so suddenly, but her actions have become ridiculous to me, drama-ridden nonsense... and although she was quick to point out how many mistakes i've made and was correct with the facts, i know i am trying to rise above the bullshit to make a good life for myself. i know that my past actions were mistakes. i am aware that life doesn't revolve around me, and it shouldn't have since the moment maya was born. i understand sacrificing for my children like i never did. i think she feels like she does the same thing, but her actions seem to signify something entirely different and she doesn't even see it. this is someone i used to see as so strong, i used to admire her parenting and think she was doing a great job. now i just see a jerry springer episode combined with some cops clips. it's pathetic. it's as pathetic as me. and i'm trying to be a better person than that and i am taking steps away from it... takin the white trash to the curb, even the old parts of me that could've identified with the drama. i'm sure this person feels she's doing what is best and i wish her well, i just want nothing to do with it. we've taken different roads. another person i feel i'm growing away from just has a long way to go. i love both these friends so much but i see such negative behavior and i feel somewhat responsible b/c whether i knew it or not, i was an influence in their lives, and thus in their actions. i see one of them doing now so many unsavory things i did before, when i was younger, and can't forgive myself for now. i cannot chide or judge or even comment because i don't want to seem judgmental; what a good beautiful person. just such childlike actions, selfish without realizing. and there are so many other people that i'd left in memphis, when i returned and hung out and woke up the next day i thought that some of these people were not cool or even caring.
before any of you assume anything about who i wrote about, curb yourself. it's more than likely not you.