to make it short, "THE EX" has been messin with my head/heart lately, and i won't do it again. it will kill me if i have to keep being involved in his world of insanity. he's verbally & mentally abusive, and i love him. so. i wrote this.. if i ever go looney tunes again please hit me over the head and make me read and re-read what i have written here until i concede that being with someone like him is detrimental to my life. below is my letter, unedited. sorry if some of
it seems harsh.. none of you really know what this relationship was
like. ugh. it's so fucking hard to think about letting him go. it's going to be harder to do it.
all my love,
alice
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dear "the ex",
i have thought very long & hard about the last conversation we had.
you & i did share a love that was for another time. that doesn't mean that i don't still love you more than i ever have or probably ever will love anyone. it doesn't mean that every stolen kiss you have given me was not adored. i do love you; i always will.
i will never be able to appreciate or like the women in your life. you only show me with them how hollow your love can be, because when i am around, there is a sense of abandonment, on both our parts, and we have a tendency to forget our anger from the past.. wanting to cling to one another (or kill one another) is one of our biggest problems.
after what happened christmas 2009, i went back to lex & i swore that i would not waste another second of my life worrying about you, or caring, or wishing for things to be different. i lied. and in truth, i will probably waste several seconds, if not minutes, hours... of my future time missing you and loving you and wishing it could be different.
but, it's not ever going to be different. anything you and i may have will always be a mess, whether it be a platonic friendship, or a full-fledged relationship. i really, truly, from the bottom of my heart know that thinking of you, missing you, loving you, etc will only hurt me.
it is insulting you would even think that after all of these years you would be given joint custody. there's no way. i would have let you see her, with me, if you and i could get along, maybe with some legal therapy, definitely put your name on her birth certif., but under no circumstances would i remotely let you have joint custody of mour child. she barely knows you. at best, you would be allowed to see her every other weekend along with the other kids, more if you and i were on good terms and getting along. but you must be joking if you think i would just let you randomly come into her life and be with her half of the time.
the only thing she really remembers about us as an interacting couple was when we lived in fl. that was primely horrid.
she and i are not staying in this town for very long. once we go, we will go together. i don't know if we're going to head back to fl, or try again in ky, or something completely different.. but we will not be available for your life. at this point, there is nothing you could do to change my mind.
i'm sorry for so many things, including the decision you made to sign your
rights over. i'm sorry you only consider me your child's mother.. i'm sorry you're such a dick to me even when i am crying, telling you how much i care. i'm so sorry for the fights that were my fault.
take care of yourself. or not. it isn't my problem. i feel sorry for anyone you're with. i guess i had such low self-worth that i wanted it to be me. it's never going to be me again.
-me
