New Decade

Well it would be inappropriate to begin without paying homage to my guys:
"ive got it all... most. ive got it all, almost all figured out. but always when i get there, always when i get there all the pieces they just fall apart. i cant hear you, i cant hear you talk about your dreams involving me; i dont believe i dont believe that they are any sort of prophecy at all. what a shock its mr. sweet and awful. don't look so pissed off- we all lose the plot occasionally. how consistant.. how can someone so consistantly mess up as much as every instance? how can someone inconsistant mess up so consistantly?" -modest mouse.


New Decade.
I'm not resolving shit. I'm making up my mind to change.
The weight is comin off. I'm tired of it.
The food is gettin healthier (although pricier, which sux).
I'm going to do better at WORK. I should be much more grateful for it. I don't know what I'd do without the team there; they're more than co-workers. And the flowers, I love the flowers.
I'm getting my own place. Tax season. I'm staying in Lexington, my decision is final. I want to see my son as much as possible. I bailed too much on Maya as a baby. I'm not effin' up twice.
I will remain on good terms with Greg b.c he is still a co-parent and I love him for all he is, I just want to be loved for all I am, to BE in love...
I will maintain a 4.0 (3.5 doesn't cut it). And I will finish every class I start.
I will try to be honest without offending. I will stand my ground, even when it feels shaky to me.
I will overcome my fears.
I will GET OFF the soda crack. Well, maybe like 1/week to start.
Those gym passes? Usin em! Starting tomorrow!
Now, inner happiness... well, maybe with practice.
And I will try to continue shaving my legs regularly. Just got a new Venus.
I will have some faith in myself. Respect myself more.
I will be a better me.
-coley

Brush Your Teeth, Boys & Girls!

   So I'm having a fine burrito at Chipotle the other day when I spit out something harder and crunchier than corn... maybe over-cooked rice? I should be so lucky: a molar on my top left had broken off on the side by my tongue all the way to a filling I got in 2006. At first I thought I would be ok.. until the agony started. I left work and put my dental insurance to use for the first time. The dentist had to drill out the filling bc there was a new cavity in it.
    By the time the smoke cleared there was 25% tooth left. It felt odd. Then she stuck a filling on which feels more like a cap. It's white and looks like just a tooth. It's amazing- $86.47 amazing.
   But it freakin hurts still and I have to get a crown... That'll be $350. Niceeeeeee. I'm also going in next week for a cleaning and I just know there's more cavities lurking. Stupid teeth. Those things should just last. I brush and floss. It must be the soda. Anyway... I refuse to pull any of those out. I happen to want to keep a full set of teeth thank you...

The Ocean Breathes Salty

   frick yeah miffernickers!  I AM GOING TO FL TOMORROW!
   i will see you guys soon.  i'm so sentimental, how long will it take nic to quit crying once i get back to the people that i love?  who wants to take bets? 
   and mom and dad are so randomly at aunt mawmaw's... oh the blissfulness of life's surprises. 
   i cannot wait.  i cannot wait.  i cannot wait.
   i just don't want my week to end.

& so it is...

maya's been sick the last couplea days. this is especially crappy as i've been off and the weather has been gloomerific. i'm waiting to get to fl but haven't been able to get in touch with aunt laura (thank god steph is always there with open arms). i have mixed feelings about going back. anxiety is one of these major feelings. i don't know what's wrong with me these days. listening to custom concern repeatedly. it's been hitting home hard. i gotta get outta this funk.

St Patty's Day was Yesterday

... & i hate myself as a drunk person.  i want to apologize to the world for being a person who sucks when they're intoxicated.  it's 24-plus hours later and i still feel like ass.  i didn't have so much, but i guess the intake ratio + the fact i hadn't done it in a while + green food coloring = sick barfy coley who acted a fool and then even got to work on time the next day, just to have to leave from being that sick.  not happening again.  way to be unprofessional, un-grownup, etc.  i know i may be hardest on myself, but i have to be.  i'm responsible for myself and my own actions. 
   
life-
   it's hard being a mom with a more than full time job.  i wish i could work part time and be with my kids.  i wish life were easy not hard.  i wish money were simple to come by.  i wish i could see more of the world.  i wish i could be the best mom ever who never made mistakes.  i wish i could love myself more.  til then i'm still around.  much love.

Lonely For the Past

You ever get sick where every time you inhale, you can smell gross infected snot? That's me today. Yum. Yesterday I went home at lunchtime and thought I'd lay down long enough to get my second wind... I was wrong. When it was time to get up, I called work and asked if I could stay home. Luckily, we're super slow lately (hence my ability to blog at work using my cell phone... on a break, of course.. never company time!).

   So, i miss my Gran extra bad today; it would be her 88th birthday. I wasn't there for her 87th. I wasn't at her bedside when she died. She went all alone, with no one holding her hand, out of this life the day after Mother's Day last May. Even if she wasnt cognitive, I wish I'd been there instead of snuggled in her very own bed with my daughter (as I'd snuggled with her sooo many times growing up) when the phone rang to announce her departure.

   Spring is coming, and with it all her favorite annuals will need to be planted in her beds. I will see them come into the store, especially the impatiens.. I miss her.

   I am reading "Lamb - The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal". It is hilarious, touching, clever... I cannot even go into the tangent of how highly I recommend this book. It's a great read. It's by Christopher Moore. If you haven't read it, do so, and spread this Gospel accordingly.

   I know someone who once introduced me to an akin book called "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut; I think he would especially enjoy this read, being the Jew he is. If I knew how to get a copy to Josh, I would, as long as he promises to read it. If he or anyone who knows him happens to read this, let me know, because I think this book would influence him positively, or at least leave a lasting impression.

1. Gullibility, 2. Lowes, 3. Valentines Day

1. Gullibility:

I'm such a goober. Also, I am incredibly sensitive and easy to mess with. Recently, some of my more playful coworkers have gleefully discovered this. This is trouble for me, but it makes the day damn interesting.

I believe it fully began with the recent ice storm. We were selling emergency & snow supplies. People kept calling and calling to inquire about the same items: generators? ...no... kerosene heaters? ...no... It became a joke almost. We were expecting people to ask the same thing over and over. So, I began to get calls from "customers" asking for these. Same questions, different order... usually it would be my coworker, and I would eventually figure it out by him laughing at me for being so patient.

The epitome of this I believe has come. Nothing could top this one. My coworker calls and I think it's a customer. He asks for Plumbing. I say he has the wrong extension, hold on please & I'll get you over to Plumbing. The customer insisted maybe I could help answer their question & went right into it. He said he bought a toilet, got it home, opened it, and found feces in it. I'm thinkin... ok... this is totally not a customer... but how could I really know? So as politely as I could, I said, "Sir, I don't think we'll take back a toilet that has poo in it." (Yes, I said 'poo'.) The next thing I hear is a bunch of guys laughing, and I spurt out to my coworker "Dammit! I hate you!"

But I don't. I think it's hilarious. I got another call the other day: "Do you have straw?" Me: "Yes sir we sure do." Him: "Will you spread it for me?" Me: "AH! Fuck you! You SUCK!"
But I laughed. Hard.

Another time: "Do you have a compost and manure mix?" (Of course I know what's coming now b/c it's winter and no one wants this right now so I play along.) "Yes, we do." "What kind of feces is it in there?" "You are SUCH a loser! It's human, of course!"
Hahahahahaha!

I know this doesn't sound funny at all in type. You'd have to hear it out loud I guess.

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2. Lowes:

I was at the Spring Kickoff Meeting the other day. This was a torturous day. I sat between my Dept Mgr & my Sales Mgr so that we could all wallow in misery as a team. The room smelled stale and gross and there were fruit flies everywhere (and I mean this quite literally). All the Dept Mgrs, Sales Mgrs, OPE Specialists, & LNSs from the district were there. It was *packed*.

So we settle in for a day of Spring Brainwashing, er, training, and things go well but not super awesome or anything... then this lady from FL comes in to talk to us about EPPs (Extended Protection Plans). This is where it gets horrible in a funny way. Apparently, all of the people in the aforementioned positions were just let go at the store in London KY, as well as all the Zone Mgrs, and some other people too.. for illegally charging EPPs onto peoples' credit cards after they'd turned them down and left the store. So there are all these people at this meeting who didn't have anything to do with this but are representing the London store.

Anyway, this lady is corporate and she's come a long way to pump us up about EPPs. She pulls out this huge tablet with 26% on it and says enthusiastically, "THIS! This is going to be the store to beat! Where's the London crew?" At this point, an embarrassing silence falls over the entire room. And the people representing London raise their hands. "WHAT are you guys DOING over there?" the lady exclaims with such exuberance that my face turns red. I slapped my hand over my mouth because I was ready to bust out in laughter, I think a lot of us were, and our district manager is standing in the back looking uncomfortable with his arms crossed. It woulda been enough but this woman goes on to talk about the prizes they won for selling the most EPPs in the district. "How are you all enjoying that plasma screen tv? Who won that Playstation 3? Are they having a good time with it?" Oh. My. God. You would think someone would have prepped this woman. But no.

She was also a candy flinger. Danny over-dramatized it by being like, "look out, she's going to throw it! Point blank at your face! You better duck! Watch it!" in a quiet whisper while I kept myself from laughing with great effort. That lady was the highlight of the day.

Then there was lunch (infested but we were starving and there was no way out of this Best Western). Then came more presentations. Then came a tornado where a foamy tile fell out of the ceiling and the lights blacked out momentarily.

It was a great day.

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Ok. Valentine's Day! I got Greg a card. And some fudge. Nothing big. Told him not to get me anything big. Maybe my contacts. It's a Sony DSC-H50 camera. 9.1 MP, 15x Optical Zoom... stuff I don't even understand, but it's pretty phat. I cannot believe I got something so cool. He got me the sweetest card too. Happy Vday!

Throwing Up My Hands

One Long Angry Ramble:

Last night a friend of mine was out and ran into my daughter's sperm donor. It makes me sick to think about this. She showed him her latest pic of Maya and said 'That's what you're missing' & all he did was reply he knew and keep on walkin to buy drinks for a girl and play pool. Hope it was worth his while; I was at home taking care of a beautiful person he took half the part in making but wants nothing to do with. And yet he acts like she's this enigma that he wants in his life more than anything, and I am the evil force keeping him from her. I have asked him if he wants to be a part of his daughter's life. I have asked. I told him it would be up to him to get a lawyer and get his paternity legally reinstated. I gave him the name, address, phone number & email address of the attorney who set it all up for us years ago & told him he could get a copy of his rights waiver. Then I told him once I saw he was serious about being Maya's father and being responsible, we would work out child support and visitation. This is being very civil; he and I did not end on good terms. We both acted a fool repeatedly, mostly me, to be frank (I did things I am ashamed of now that I have matured and things that I would never repeat in any relationship)... but in the end Maya was diagnosed with diabetes and he bailed out of town with my cousin to go live with a skank ho stripper. He came back to Memphis, but not after I'd gone out of town to put the thought of him away and came back with Haden in my belly. He says he will agree to joint custody and nothing less. But he has issues worse than mine. He has done things which were unspeakable. Things that are more than shameful, with people who should have been able to trust him as a brother figure. I cannot give him joint custody until I know he's changed as I have changed and become a better person. The last I saw him was in May when my grandmother died. I feel closure from that visit, knowing that when I left Memphis the symbolism of our love and our relationship was finally as dead as my beautiful Gran. Still this doesn't mean Maya doesn't deserve a dad. She does. She's amazing and wonderful and enchanting. And knowing he lives his life every day, not seeing her, not caring... well, frankly it makes me want to strangle him. Or literally attack him. I have never held such acrimony towards anyone. If he died, I couldn't help but wonder if she'd be better off... if the world would. Better he not exist than she think someday she would have him as a loving father, b/c that won't ever happen, no matter how much I want it for her. So many times over I've made horrid decisions. Now I have so many regrets. Ugh. This makes me tired. Now, as annoying as it is, I sit in my living room listening to Maya play a silly game on the Wii, and that sweet singsong voice, and she is mine & I love her. But... she deserves a father! I'm just so sorry it had to be him.

Forever 27?

   My son will be 1 tomorrow. Greg will be 33. I have an 8 yr old sassy daughter... and I am almost 27. Gasp! Guys, this is a big deal. I'm really pushing 30. I know many of you scoff at my "youth" but hey, it's older than I've ever been. Life is so strange and in it, I am the enemy that plots against myself. No one but me is going to be my downfall.

   Tomorrow's Haden's/Greg's party. I have to go kick some @$$ in Simpsons Clue now. I'm Lisa (Ms. Peacock) & I'm going to *win*. Yep.

   Also, I NEED to hear from some of you. You know who you are. I'm waiting.

Something Fishy This Way Writes

Well... I think my computer has about had it, at least for now. I'm going to need to buy a new battery or charger for this thing, because it no longer acknowledges its charger. First it was chargeable but only if I shut the computer and placed it awkwardly upside downish with the charger, which plugs into the side, on the bottom pressing against something. Now the computer charger light doesn't even light up like it should when it's plugged in. I'm at 0% battery & it's going to die at any moment. This is lamentable because I am sort of a computer addict, even if I'm only perusing best of Craigslist or something...

...But the worst part is, today I misplaced my cell phone somewhere out in the world. It's probably at work, which is uncool, as I work in plants, my cell phone is green, and the camo is quite natural. I spent my day in the greenhouse spraying pesticide comprised of sesame oil & fish oil (92%) & lecithin (a substance widely distributed in animal tissues, egg yolk, and some higher plants, consisting of phospholipids linked to choline). The pesticide is safe for indoor use but it made my surroundings smell like 'the Gulf of Mexico' .. 'after a red tide'. I also found out what it's like to be a chick in a predominantly male working environment who happens to smell like dead fish (I'm sure your minds can all come up with any of the jokes I heard today, and I heard em all).

Anyway. I have no computer after tonight at home indefinitely, and I have *no clue* where my cell phone is. I don't like feeling alienated from the world and I am off work tomorrow. I'm broke, so I cannot buy anything to alleviate this problem but I hope you will all show love for when I come back. Actually, maybe my fickle ass needs some alienation.

In other news, Haden chowed down on some chopped spaghetti the other day. He liked it. He had a yummy lunch then took a nap, then we went to get Maya from school and he sneezed. Yucky. I had to wipe his nose. So we move up in the waiting line and he sneezes again and this like 6 inch booger comes out. I said "Grossssssss!" And stared it down til I could pull over and wipe it off. Guess what... it was a friggin NOODLE! How in the name of heck could this noodle have harbored itself in my son's nose all through a nap? Like, where was it?

So we pick up Maya from school and she's lost another tooth. The tooth fairy left her $2 but the next morning she didn't even check. She totally forgot. And, she got her ears pierced the other day thanks to Lauren. What a big girl.

I'm on reserve power now so I have to turn this thing off. Sigh.

Listening to Three6 all alone @ Lauren's, aah.

If you won 100 million dollars what would you do?


What kind of car would you buy? aw shizzy, i'd be a car buyin fool. i'd get my entire family & my best friends new cars of their choice, i'd let greggy buy any toys he wanted... even a harley... and then i would go to it. mmm. "from hyundais to bentlys" yo!

Where in the country would you move to? I'd prolly buy some homes in a few choice spots, and live in whichever one i felt like at the time.

What kind of house would you buy? Ooh... I'd get land spots and get them all built out of eco-friendly material & it would be so sweet.

Would you give your family money? All the money I owed. Then I would proceed to buy them shit.

What charity would you donate to? Hmm. Juvenile Diabetes, all kinda environmental shite, and RSDS research

Would you give your friends any money? It's just like my family answer.

Where would you go on vacation? My life would be my vacation from then on, with carefully invested money to ensure i never ran out.

What luxury item would you buy first? Um... well shit, anything for me is luxury... i don't even know! i'd be too busy wiggin cuz i had 100 mill!

Would it change your life? absolutely, but i wouldn't be a selfish biotch about it.

Would you save any of it? Invest, save, make it work for me.

Would it change your current relationship? we'd have some stress lifted fo sho. but our love wouldnt change.

Would you quit your job? i would never ever work again unless it was voluntarily, which i am up for.

Would you ever work again? hehe... i guess i lied cause there's some businesses i would want to open. but it would be awesome; if they failed, i wouldnt have to worry so much. i would have so much fun makin the world a better place. i would work for me and my fam, no more bosses ever.

What one task would you never do again? house cleaning. not picking up after myself, i mean the cleaning... like floors... yeah.

What dream of yours would you be able to do? for real leave a noticeable imprint on the world that would always be positive.

Would you change the way you dress? i would buy some clothes that don't come from walmart and are so worn they have holes in em. dont think i'd be all about the name brand, but i would be much more betsy johnson and much less goodwill.

Would you change anything about your body? yeah. i would get a sweet lifelong gymn membership & some lipo & a tummy tuck to kick it off. after i have the baby. wouldnt be one of those people who just get plastic surgery crazy, i would work to keep my body in shape.

Would you miss anything about not being rich? oh man, i hate bein rich! remember when i had to dig change out of the couch for taco bell? fuck naw. i'm rich biatch!

Who would be the first person you tell? whoever was in close proximity...

Would it bring you happiness? No, but it would buy a lotta crap i would like to have for me & many many people.