Throwing Up My Hands

One Long Angry Ramble:

Last night a friend of mine was out and ran into my daughter's sperm donor. It makes me sick to think about this. She showed him her latest pic of Maya and said 'That's what you're missing' & all he did was reply he knew and keep on walkin to buy drinks for a girl and play pool. Hope it was worth his while; I was at home taking care of a beautiful person he took half the part in making but wants nothing to do with. And yet he acts like she's this enigma that he wants in his life more than anything, and I am the evil force keeping him from her. I have asked him if he wants to be a part of his daughter's life. I have asked. I told him it would be up to him to get a lawyer and get his paternity legally reinstated. I gave him the name, address, phone number & email address of the attorney who set it all up for us years ago & told him he could get a copy of his rights waiver. Then I told him once I saw he was serious about being Maya's father and being responsible, we would work out child support and visitation. This is being very civil; he and I did not end on good terms. We both acted a fool repeatedly, mostly me, to be frank (I did things I am ashamed of now that I have matured and things that I would never repeat in any relationship)... but in the end Maya was diagnosed with diabetes and he bailed out of town with my cousin to go live with a skank ho stripper. He came back to Memphis, but not after I'd gone out of town to put the thought of him away and came back with Haden in my belly. He says he will agree to joint custody and nothing less. But he has issues worse than mine. He has done things which were unspeakable. Things that are more than shameful, with people who should have been able to trust him as a brother figure. I cannot give him joint custody until I know he's changed as I have changed and become a better person. The last I saw him was in May when my grandmother died. I feel closure from that visit, knowing that when I left Memphis the symbolism of our love and our relationship was finally as dead as my beautiful Gran. Still this doesn't mean Maya doesn't deserve a dad. She does. She's amazing and wonderful and enchanting. And knowing he lives his life every day, not seeing her, not caring... well, frankly it makes me want to strangle him. Or literally attack him. I have never held such acrimony towards anyone. If he died, I couldn't help but wonder if she'd be better off... if the world would. Better he not exist than she think someday she would have him as a loving father, b/c that won't ever happen, no matter how much I want it for her. So many times over I've made horrid decisions. Now I have so many regrets. Ugh. This makes me tired. Now, as annoying as it is, I sit in my living room listening to Maya play a silly game on the Wii, and that sweet singsong voice, and she is mine & I love her. But... she deserves a father! I'm just so sorry it had to be him.