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Why I'm Bummed the F**K Out

my parents will not be here for their grandson's first christmas.

i'm tired of working b/c i have a mad cold and my neck's all swollen and it was only like 14 degrees today in full sun.

i feel like i'm being dissed by a few people... all of whom are important to me.

yeahhhh. i'm cooking dinner so i cannot write more, although i have acrimony to release.

Poetry Excerpts (That I Didn't Write)

This one I just really like:

"Birches" -Robert Frost
So was I once myself a swinger of birches;
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

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This one is amazing:

e.e. cummings~
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret no one knows
Here is the root of the root,
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life
Which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

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This chick and I would have been bff b/c I lose everything I touch, sometimes temporarily...

One Art
-----by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Black Friday Musings & the Legend of the Christmas Pickle

   So on Black Friday, I'm dusting the greenhouse, keeping myself busy, making myself as available as possible for all the customers who weren't showing up... and I come across this ornament I haven't noticed in the 2 months our Xmas stuff has been set up... a freakin pickle ornament, outta nowhere, in with the pretty red & gold ornaments. I laugh, b.c it's a pickle ornament & seems mighty odd and out of place amongst the fancy schmancy stuff. Then I feel I must share it with my co-workers. One of them doesn't even remotely think it's funny, not even in a kinda perv way, and says disdainfully if I want to think that way, whatever... but it does look kind of phallic. And glittery. I won't lie to act like I never think explicitly.
   So, I take it to another co-worker who does laugh at me and my slight perversions... but then tells me there's actually a pickle legend that goes along with the ornament, he thinks, and that it makes total sense. Now, I like this guy well enough, but he jokes around a lot. So I think nothing of it, assume he's messing with me to eventually make me feel kinda dumb when I get all stoked and start telling people about this Pickle deal.
   But today, I began wondering about the pickle again. Especially after telling Greg about the whole thing and him telling me that of course dude was messing with me. So while I have a spare moment... I google the pickle legend. Yeah, I know. I'm a loser. But! Guess how many results I actually FOUND about this? Well, I don't know... but it was a LOT. So, I am pasting one of the most coherent, correctly spelled, interesting one below so you too will know the PICKLE LEGEND of the Christmas tree.


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(((To Give Credit Where Credit is Due:)))
Courtesy of MyMerryChristmas.com

The Christmas Pickle
By B. Francis Morlan

It is a quaint tradition that nobody wants to claim. And its story would not be the first tradition of Christmas born of a total fabrication. It is the little-known tradition of the Christmas pickle.

The Christmas pickle is not really a pickle at all. It is a pickle-shaped ornament that is the last one hung on the tree on Christmas Eve. The first child to find the Christmas pickle gets an extra gift from Saint Nicholas. Or so the so-called legend goes.

There are two other versions of the origins of the Christmas pickle. One is a family story of a Bavarian-born ancestor who fought in the American Civil War. A prisoner in poor health and starving, he begged a guard for just one pickle before he died. The guard took pity on him and found a pickle for him. The pickle by the grace of God gave him the mental and physical strength to live on.

The other, perpetuated in Berrien Springs, MI, is a medieval tale of two Spanish boys traveling home from boarding school for the holidays. When they stopped at an inn for the night, the innkeeper, a mean and evil man, stuffed the boys into a pickle barrel. That evening, St. Nicholas stopped at the same inn, became aware of the boys' plight, tapped the pickle barrel with his staff, and the boys were magically freed.

Berrien Springs calls itself the Christmas Pickle Capital of the World. They celebrate with an annual Christmas Pickle Festival held during the early part of December. A parade, led by the Grand Dillmeister who passes out fresh pickles along the parade route, is the featured event. You may even purchase the German glass pickle ornaments at the town's museum.

Rumor and speculation place the origin of this tradition in Germany. However few in modern-day Germany recognize or have even heard of the Christmas pickle. Some in West Germany blame generations of East Germans who may have had nothing more than pickles to decorate their Christmas trees with after World War II. But even families and historians in East Germany shrug at the mention of the Christmas pickle tradition.

Regardless of where it came from, the Christmas tradition survives. Ornament manufacturers continue to make the specialty decoration and enjoy perpetuating the myth of its legendary origins -- false though they may be.

© 1989-2005 by The Merry Network, All Rights Reserved. Printed from My Merry Christmas.com. This article may be reproduced free of charge in its entirety only as long as this notice remains intact with due credit given to the author and My Merry Christmas. Kindly notify us of how and where this article is used so that we can link to your site or publication.

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Now another musing from me:
Who on earth do you think in the Lowe's ornament creating/buying etc process heard about this pickle ornament and thought it was cool enough to mass market it into Lowe's across the country, to what I am sure has been the confusion and amusement of not only hundreds of employees, but thousands of unwitting customers?

Kind of makes you wonder....

Bloggity Blog

I'm very tired. Today at work, I had just had it. I was over it. So I told my zone mgr I was sick & went home, which is where I remain, sitting still with fuzzy socks on and watching "Big Momma" out of the corner of my eye. I'm thinking about taking a nap. Greg's mom has the kids & Greg's over at a friend's... so yeah.

Last night I was driving home from doing some shopping and saw a car about to pull out of a parking lot that contained some type of 4-legged fluffy animals. Lots of them. Fat & fuzzy. My first thought was that the driver was abandoning them in the cold dusk... so I turned around after passing by and went back, as an animal advocate, to confront him. Gary is who I met. Gary is a guy who feeds a group of feral cats that live in the woods behind an apt complex. There's another lady named Lori who feeds them too. I want to take them home with me.

Answering a Survey Out of Boredom...

1.I have come to realize that my butt:
is far too big

2. I have come to realize that when I talk.
i have a tendency to sound like a jackass

3.I have come to realize that, if I love someone:
i need to appreciate them more & i will always love that person

4.I have come to realize that, I need:
to do something different.

5.I have come to realize that, I lost:
sooooo many things i wish i had held on to.

6.I have come to realize that, I hate it when:
i am not loved for who i am

7.I have come to realize that, if I'm drunk:
i shouldn't be. so i don't get drunk anymore.

8.I have come to realize that, marriage:
is archaic and prolly won't ever happen to me

9.I have come To realize that, work:
is required to live my life right now

10.I have come to realize that, I will always be:
changing and growing and learning

11.I have come to realize that, I like:
being a mom. usually.

12.I have come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
probably recently just over my life or some petty bullshit

13.I have come to realize that, my cell phone is:
under my sleeping daughter

14.I have come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
it's too fucking early

15.I have come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
i like to read with maya bug

16.I have come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
florida

17.I have come to realize that, babies:
don't stay babies for very long

18.I have come to realize that, when I get on Myspace:
i'm bored or wondering if anyone cared enough to say something.

19.I have come to realize that, today I will:
go to bed. it's 11:30

20.I have come to realize that, tonight I will:
see above

21.I have come to realize that, tomorrow I will:
help maya paint her desk

22.I have come to realize that, I really want to:
be a good person

I have come to realize that, working out:
is something i really need to do

I have come to realize that, friends:
are few and far between

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Who was the last person to call you?
kathy shurr

Ever have a sleepover with someone of the opposite sex?
yep with power cuddling

Who was the last person you hugged?
maya

Who can you tell the most to?
i... don't even know

What’s the most important part of a relationship in your opinion?
trust, & genuine feelings

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
HA I WISH

How many people do you truly trust?
zero.

Did the one person who hurt you most apologize?
repeatedly, but it means nothing b/c it would always be a cycle

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
yeah. i have only smoked one in like a yr & a half

Do you tend to fall for players?
nah i don't

Are you missing someone?
YES

Has anyone ever crawled through your window?
HAHA NO, BUT I'VE CRAWLED THROUGH A FEW

Have you ever taken a nap with a member of the opposite sex?
YEAH

Ever kissed someone you regretted after?
regretted doing people, not so much kissing

Have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with a D?
probably... oh, yep.

Are you listening to music right now?
no

Have you ever made out against a car?
YES

Ever kissed a brown haired, dark eyed person?
THESE QUESTIONS ARE GETTING STUPID. BUT YES

Have you ever kissed anyone whos name started with a J?
YES

Think of the person youd want to be with the most right now, when did you last see them?
lookin at her

Did you date anyone last summer?
i was with greg

Do you have a tan?
nope

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
being fat

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings?
it's all you

Do you like someone at the moment?
lotsa people

Do you miss your past?
I LIKE TO REMEMBER IT, BUT I ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO THE FUTURE.

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
nooooooooooo.........

Do you get along with girls?
sure

Could you cry right now?
always

Where were you last Friday night?
i actually went to see zach & miri make a porno

Who last sent you a myspace message?
joey

Whats your hair look like today?
greasy

Is the last person you kissed mad at you?
NOPE

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb and regret it?
yes. lots of times in my past i have fucked up.

What's worse?: liars or cheaters?
it's about equal eh?

Are you a beach, country or city person?
i'm a gypsy. or i was.

Why do people continue to smoke when they know the effects of it?
b/c it's so, so good

Is there a person of the opposite sex that you care a lot about?
why sure. starting with my son

Last time you wore the opposite sex's clothing, & what was it?
today, greg's coat

Have you ever thought about killing someone in detail?
5th

Have you ever peed while on the phone?
yeah it takes talent too.

Asters & Bee Stings

so in my dream i'm at work and i clock out but remember the bees sent me a message to please give them all the aster blooms so they could chow on the pollen and whatnot. so i go back and carry out the goods to give em to the bees, who by and large i feel a good vibe off of, and one sticks to my finger. these are these huge ass bees, fuzzy and intimidating. i ignore it for a sec then try to knock it off b/c i want it to quit stinging me, b/c it's a really big bee. but as it falls it claws onto my hands, and when it's dead and gone i have a hole in my finger and black gaping holes across my opposite and left palm. i'm wounded. they hurt.

i've been avoiding the bees all day. yesterday while i was watering, i sprayed the top of the perennials and watched them all rise and for the first time, became intimidated by the beats. i apologized and went back to watering like i do, at the pot, so as not to disturb their work. but i had that dream and today i have been evasive.

maya woke me up last nite, saying she'd had a bad dream about zombies. this morning she said she thought it was b/c of spongebob. i told her she watches too much of that squarepants fellow yesterday afternoon.
back to work...

Things Are Looking Up...

I'd finally gotten tired of Lowe's. I didn't get the Live Nursery job and I felt like I was doomed to be a cashier indefinitely. I cannot feed 2 kids and pay bills on less than $10/hr. So I decided to call in when the next Amazon's hiring fair came (warehouse work, 10 hr shifts, $12/hr to start).
I was feelin pretty hopeless, wondering why people who bust their asses for their kids cannot get govt help b/c we make "too much" & the lazy asses who don't do anything productive get housing aid, free food, etc from my tax money... I was literally near tears of frustration, but then I got a call from my HR at Lowe's. They said they've made more changes and I'm still in the running for the job I wanted. They asked if I could come in for an interview with the store mgr that day. I agreed.
I got the job. Me! 44% raise and a specialist title. They offered to pay for me to go to school for state licensing. I know I can go far with this job. A lot of people make a career out of it. I am so fortunate b/c I love working with those plants. I stumbled upon the job as a waterer from a hookup from Grant, and knew little about plants, except what my Granny had taught me. Over the last two summers, I've picked up more and more and now instead of being like, "ooh, what pretty landscaping!", I'm like, "hey! I love the way they put those Crape Myrtles in the background and those Hostas together with that Lantana!"
Yeah. So now I get to do the job I was essentially already doing, only with better pay and the "official" responsibility. I'm nervous, but at least now I can pay some bills!

Lunch Time Midday Venting Rant

so. i applied for the live nursery specialist job at lowe's, the new one i'm at. i didn't get it, but i thought it'd be b/c of calling in at my last lowe's when maya first got to ky. this is not the case, however. i didn't get it b/c they made budget cuts due to our inventory showing mass shrink. therefore, they eliminated some department managers and moved them around. problem is, they decided to use a dept mgr for the live nursery job. this is fucked up b/c a) dude's the hardware manager and doesn't know a petunia from a pansy or an annual from a perennial, and b) this guy has been written up for being a suckass employee!

to add to my bummed-ness... the hr manager jay told me that he could tell i have a real passion for the work. he said he knew i belonged outside. he said that i was the best interview they'd had, and that i woulda been the one to get the position. now, i know this was supposed to make me feel better, and i thanked him, imploring him to send me back outside asap (two more employees just quit out there)... but then i left his office, went straight into the bathroom, turned my smile off when i got into a stall safely, and cried my self-pitying pansy ass off.

working as the lns at lowe's is a very challenging job. i'm sure everything happens for a reason, blah blah blah, so please don't try to tell me all that "everything's ok" bullshit b/c it's really not. i mean... it IS... b/c i don't have any terminable illnesses and i have a roof over my head and tralala... and in this economy i should be pleased as punch to have a job.

but, i fucking love those plants. i love working with them. i belong there. now who knows how long i'm going to be a cashier. i'm a 26 year old with 2 kids, a $9.02/hr job that i currently dislike... & i'm trying to do this day by day but today... bad day. i know i shoulda, coulda, woulda done a lot differently. but i gotta do what i gotta do now.

there's no one in the world i am happier to do all of this for than my man and babies, but it's hard. i don't have time for school right now, which is going to be the only way i can make our lives better. other than that i'm going to be working shitty, low paying jobs forever. this is unacceptable. i bust my ass all the time and i feel like i'm going around in fuckin circles. every day is a routine to the next day and the next, and i am not making more money or doing better.

Whatsa Happenin

maya is staying in kentucky. yep yep. she now has a regular bedtime and she sleeps all by herself. i've been running around trying to get her insurance switched to ky, getting her into school, her physical, etc. on top of this i work 36 hours a week or so at lowe's. so college is yet again pushed to the back burner.

we still haven't totally unpacked here. of course we'd finally given up on maya being here so we went ahead and rented a 2 br place. now maya's staying and it peeves her when haden wakes up wailing middle of the night so he sleeps in his pack n play in me n g's room.

it's good maya gets to stay. but... we are freakin exhausted. it's almost like having an insta-second kid. it's hard on us, g especially. maya has gotten mighty over privledged and a wee tad bratty and spoiled. it's ok though. manners are making a comeback. it's a slow process though. there is never a single spare moment for time alone.

haden got his 6 mos shots yesterday. he's ok.

i interviewed for a better job at lowe's the other day. if i don't get it, i am going to look for something better. anyone got any ideas, lemme know! $9/hr ain't cuttin it anymore with 2 kids and a crap load of bills to pay.

Updates & Whatnot

here's what's going on.

greg got me a 1/3 carat diamond ring on a white gold band. it's too big but we're going to fix that. it's the nicest piece of jewelry i've ever had, and he gave it to me just when i was beginning to think i was never going to measure up to his expectations. i guess i am doing something right! i asked if it was an engagement ring and he said it was a promise ring, so i asked if when he proposed was i going to get another ring and he said, "oh no". so the next day i was buggin him about the actual significance of said ring, and he said "let me put it this way: will you marry me?" and laughing i said, "it so doesn't work that way! you cannot ask me to marry you b/c i am nagging!" and he said (in a sweet lil voice): "coley, please marry me... someday i don't know when but please?" and i smiled and said "ok". so that's how that went. take it for what you like. i'm happy about it, and it's still pretty undefined to me.

we have put down a deposit on a townhouse in lexington. it's a 2 bedroom, but both bedrooms are like 14'x15' so there is plenty of room for a certain 7 year old girl as well as a small baby. it's 1250 sq ft. there's a pool and fitness room on the premises. i like that we have a washer/dryer hookup. there's a half bath downstairs, a big combined living/dining room, kitchen with no dishwasher (but i've lived a year without one, and it's not bad). there's a patio with the balcony on top of it. upstairs the bedrooms are next door to one another and the balcony stretches from one bedroom to the next, which i love. the bathroom is super tiny; you shower and have the potty right next to each other in a galley type area that's quite tiny. however, the sink is in a more open area and it makes the bathroom seem quite large where it's important. there's tons of storage in this place too. all for the fair price of $827/month, which includes electric, gas & water. this alone makes it totally worth it. if you add the fitness area and subtract a monthly ymca membership, plus the huge amount of money we spend in gas (not to mention the wear it's put on my car), we're coming out ahead. yes, ahead.
the property is quite close to a disc golf course too that stretches through forest trails. there's a nice running trail too and lots of family stuff. whole foods is only a 5 minute drive. greg will make it to work in 10 minutes instead of 45. i have 3 lowe's options to transfer to, one less than 10 minutes away. the school district rates high, which is something very important to me.
i'll be close to ethnic food, book stores, and starbucks. there's a baby-sitter i'm getting to know only a street up from our neighborhood. i know at 827 one would think we'd be struggling, but we will be able to save money (small amounts at a time) which is great.

what else? i'm in the process of enrolling in school for the fall semester. i'm only going to bluegrass community college but it's a start. i want to get my basics done there and then transfer to uk. i think i'm going to do environmental science. my whole life i've been a treehugger and i want to go into work that will make it possible for me to devote my career to helping our mama earth. i'd like to work in national parks. no, i don't have visions of dollar signs dancing in my brain, but i plan on being comfortable and working in the best places in the country (someday the world). it's awesome of greg to support me in this endeavor.

on the parental front, my parents spoke to me before i had surgery & promised to bring maya to see me. they decided after i came out ok to push it back. they're thinking monday, which is tomorrow, and greg and i both have to go back to work. am i actually looking for them to arrive? no. do i think they'll make it before maya returns to school? not really. but as soon as i'm done with this moving mess i should be able to go get her. i hope.

generally speaking i'm ok. i still don't feel my best but i'm a bit sore from surgery. ow. after i went to memphis and returned home, i've decided it is not in my best interest to drink, like, ever. it's nothing but trouble for me. i had places to stay, rides home, and everyone backed out on me. still, it was ultimately my bad choice to go out at all. i know it was a stressful time with my granny and everything but that is no excuse to get intoxicated. i have issues and none of them are helped by drinking. obviously i can't do it at all since i cannot do it in moderation. i feel better, healthier, since i have decided not to partake. i've also been shown in great mental detail how messed up i was when i was a partier. this became largely apparent just by going out the couple of times i did in memphis.
first of all, the hangover i suffered after my first night out was brutal. i used to drink like that everyday, and i thought being a mccann i would be able to handle it like a champ. not only was i totally wrong, but i was super-concerned this was a daily part of my existence. i was an all-out alcoholic.
also, even though i said i'd never drink again in front of maya, i went to my dear meredith's house and got pretty schwilly on some wine. even if maya didn't directly see me drinking, she's not stupid and no doubt knew.
when i got back to ky from that trip i got into a horrible argument with greg about it. he said some things about it that was incredibly harsh. it made me feel like a terrible person. i thought he was being hard on me, overly harsh, and i felt like breaking down for a few days. i was almost scared. after some intense, brutal soul searching... i realized that, while very harshly spoken, everything greg had said was right. also, his demands for my normalcy no longer seemed like lofty ambitions, but became things i realized had to be true for me to exist in every day life. if i really want to make it, i have to grow up, become responsible.

hmm. that's it for now. there's a family reunion today. i'm not remotely related to anyone in the aforementioned, but i am obligated to go and will show off my son gladly.

So-Called Friends

in other aspects the trip changed how i feel about some people. i confided all my faults and the fact that greg was right to who i thought was a best friend. this is someone i've grown apart from, but i never understood why b/c i was gone when i moved to fl for much longer than i've been in ky. this friend has changed as much as me and even though claiming it was me that left, i think we've both grown into people the other no longer recognizes. i have some incredibly harsh feelings towards this person at this time, and i haven't spoken to her in weeks. how sad that a friendship could snuff out so suddenly, but her actions have become ridiculous to me, drama-ridden nonsense... and although she was quick to point out how many mistakes i've made and was correct with the facts, i know i am trying to rise above the bullshit to make a good life for myself. i know that my past actions were mistakes. i am aware that life doesn't revolve around me, and it shouldn't have since the moment maya was born. i understand sacrificing for my children like i never did. i think she feels like she does the same thing, but her actions seem to signify something entirely different and she doesn't even see it. this is someone i used to see as so strong, i used to admire her parenting and think she was doing a great job. now i just see a jerry springer episode combined with some cops clips. it's pathetic. it's as pathetic as me. and i'm trying to be a better person than that and i am taking steps away from it... takin the white trash to the curb, even the old parts of me that could've identified with the drama. i'm sure this person feels she's doing what is best and i wish her well, i just want nothing to do with it. we've taken different roads. another person i feel i'm growing away from just has a long way to go. i love both these friends so much but i see such negative behavior and i feel somewhat responsible b/c whether i knew it or not, i was an influence in their lives, and thus in their actions. i see one of them doing now so many unsavory things i did before, when i was younger, and can't forgive myself for now. i cannot chide or judge or even comment because i don't want to seem judgmental; what a good beautiful person. just such childlike actions, selfish without realizing. and there are so many other people that i'd left in memphis, when i returned and hung out and woke up the next day i thought that some of these people were not cool or even caring.
before any of you assume anything about who i wrote about, curb yourself. it's more than likely not you.

Crappy Day Rant

this is just a buncha bitching and moaning.

i woke up today, after sleeping through the alarm repeatedly, 6 minutes before having to be at lowe's. grumble. i'd been having a nightmare about haden and daycare... but i digress. ok, another morning. where's my crap? clothes, shoes, leftover mussumun curry, purse, keys, shit i'm late, stumble stumble, open door, step out into the world. get to truck to find, oopsie, i got the keys with the truck door key and the extra car keys. no ignition key. no key to get back in the house. well, hell.

call greg's mom, she has an extra key! no answer. damnation. maybe kari is in town or at work, i know she'll pick a chica up. no such luck, sorry for that early morning call. maybe someone at work can take a break and come grab me up. i call and laura's there alone. no go. so i transfer to andi just b/c i like to complain to her about my not so swell actions. she says jason's the mgr... the h.n.i.c., same one i had to call yesterday and report that i wasn't coming in (my left eye was all hivey and i looked like an abuse victimn).. i better him i'm going to be freakin late. i talk to him and feel like a total jackass at this point.

well, should i call my landlord to let me into my house? or should i just climb into the truck and sit there with my thumb up my arse waiting to see what's going to happen? oh, look.. my shirt's on inside out. that's super. lemme fix that right quick like... word. get to work? ...i could walk. it's only, what, an 8 minute drive? that sounds feasible. no. bad idea. no bueno. i'm walking down a curvy ass country road and where my former self woulda stuck out my thumb and made it into town lickity-split, i begin to hear greg's voice of reason in my mind: "what the fuck are you doing? someone could kill you and no one would even hear you scream! people are not all good! you can't just trust everyone, there's some serious psychos out there!" i think of what i have to defend myself with: some leftover tofu & veggie refrigerated thai leftovers. take THAT, psychotic murdering passerby. suddenly i realize the walk is actually about 5 miles. well, it may be a bit less, i don't really know. i happened to be out of bottled water at home and it's already muggy as all get out and i'm already stinking and i've been truckin along what, 8 minutes, maybe? this is ridiculous. this was not a good plan.

ugh, also... i don't feel so hot. i can't breathe outta one side of my nose. oh, wait, haden's sick. fever=contagious. i've been holding and loving on my sick baby for days. but he only had itty bitty baby germs. well, apparently those can make you sick too. ugh. i really don't feel so hot.

greg's mom calls and says she was in the shower and she's coming to bring me keys. sighing and wheezing and sweaty i turn and walk home. i sit for a few minutes, wondering what's wrong with me. kim comes and let's me in the house. i'm so glad we got her those keys made (yeah, in nov/dec i locked my pregnant self out of my truck at a gas station, so great).

ok, nic, i say. let's try this again. this time i rob my son's piggy bank for some change; i need coffee. i leave the house with the right keys. i forget the change. super fantastic. i re-enter the house to get change and lock myself out when i leave again. ok, i didn't lock myself out again, but that woulda been funny shit.

tralala, let's try this again. pull out of the subdivision... oh! a baby raccoon in the street! aw, look at the lil thing, it must be so scared! i stop, in the middle of the road, and get out. it walks up to me all shivery and cold, then realizes i'm a person and starts making scared lil hissy noises. i begin to think about the baby birds i tried to bring home recently and think about greg's voice of reason again, and instead of attempting a rescue, i take a legal pad and scooch him back into the grass where he stumbles off towards a field. good enough for today. i drive to the coffee place, get a blended coffee treat, and proceed to my job. wahoo.

i'm making signage and have both hands not only full, but balancing the nonsell log on my arms, when one of the two department phones in my back pockets rings. and keeps ringing. crap. i have outside lawn and garden, as well as seasonal, both jacketed so i cannot see the label telling my extension. i finally throw the signs and paperwork and clipboard into the coleus, fumble for my ringing and vibrating right butt pocket, and grab the phone. shot in the dark, i answer it "outside lawn and garden, this is nicole, how can i help you?" it's the aforementioned h.n.i.c. first he tells me he called seasonal's phone. embarrassed i repeat my greeting only with seasonal replacing the dept name. my bad sir, i have two phones, i didn't know which was which... then he chastises me for not answering in 5 rings. i explain what i'm doing and he says he coulda been a customer and how could i not get the phone in five rings? that's a lot of rings! the CUSTOMER doesn't care what i'm doing! i have to answer it in 5 RINGS! i want to say, "well shit, i guess next time i'll stop in my damn tracks and drop all that i'm carrying on the ground and do whatever it takes to GET that phone"... but instead i say, "i'm so sorry, you're right, that's my fault!" at this point i am hating everyone. i want to tell whoever to shove it and roll out.

but no. i gotta eat. and pay bills. so i decide to go get water, since i didn't bring in any. aquafina in the break room, mmmm. sold out? wtf? how can we sell out of water? dasani, then, in the other machine. are you fucking KIDDING me we don't have any of that either. nice. fine, that's fine. it's only 80-something degrees and i'm totally needing some h2o. luckily, i found some leftover bottles from the potluck and fill up the cooler. something goes ok.

all of this by 10am. lunch rolls around and i want some freakin unhealthy, scrumptous hot n ready cheese pizza from little caesar's. yeah, there's a great selection of food in mt sterling. is my pizza hot and ready? NO. they don't have any cheese. i say, "ok, i'll wait, how long will it be for my hot n READY?" "7 1/2 minutes". "swell!" when i got it into the truck it seemed worth the wait, but i was hungry. really hungry. so i grab a slice while maneuvering through the parking lot. shit! it may not have been ready, but it's HOT! melty cheese slides off the slice and onto my lap. my bottom lip gets a mean lil burn. that was so intelligent.

ugh. i need to talk to g. he'll tell me it's all going to be ok. where's my cell phone? i know i didn't take my purse in to work... and it wasn't in my pockets when i was outside.. but i thought it was? nah, had to have left it in the purse. so i start digging. uh-oh. i have no idea where that motherfucker is. and i still don't.

it rained on and off repeatedly. just last night i was missing fl so much... but not b/c of the occasional 10 minute downpour (i miss the people i love). why did the stupid rain follow me but not the good people? every time the sun comes back out it gets muggier. at this point the old spice has ceased to work and my pits are noticeably stinky. i can totally smell myself. that's awesome. i fucking hate the dirty south. give me dry heat any day... or better yet, let's go back to wyoming and live happily ever after. my sister said it was snowing when i talked to her one day in june. i can enjoy global warming in my senior years.

the day creeeeeeeeeeeped by. i stayed an hour (ok, two) late. i had to; i have to miss a lot this week for surgery! what a shitty day. my cold is worse. i don't know where greg and haden are but i have seriously lost my cell phone (fuckin baby raccoon prolly has it). i still smell but i had to gripe this one out. it's not a bad day on the grand scheme of things, really. no one i love died; i'm still kickin it too. i didn't get seriously injured...

but i am going to take my congested self to the shower, rinse off, and climb into bed for america's most wanted. maybe i'll help catch a fugitive. big plans, huh? yeah i'm cool like that. nyquil anyone? and vicks? yes please!

My Grandmother

My granny died the day after Mother's Day. It's so weird, sometimes it gets painful and it hurts... and I will find myself crying, but I only squeeze out a few tears before I stop myself. I work with plants every day and when I see old ladies out passing time, just browsing through the garden center to not feel so alone, I make an effort to talk to them, and I always end up choking back tears after they leave. I am curiously protective of impatiens, which were her favorites. I miss her a lot. It's not a tragic end to life, to make it all the way to 87 years, to see 2 great grandkids. It's not a sad story like I know so many of you have to tell about loved ones. I am grateful for knowing her for so long, for having her be such an influence on me. I was thinking about it and these are parts of my life and myself that came directly from her:

- Dr Pepper (I am an addict straight up & remember her sharing them with me when I was a little girl at her duplex on Bowen Avenue).
- Patchwork (I will always love piecing fabrics together to make something beautiful & will never forget the sewing circles I sat through that my Gran hosted).
- Love of Plants (I helped her, year after year, in her garden & sat with her for countless hours on the back porch enjoying Dr P, birds, and flowers; I would water her plants in front of the house & she taught me to propagate houseplants).
- The Golden Girls ("thank you for being a frieeeennnd" ~ I watched it when I would sleep over at Granny's and for years in syndication, and I admit it freely... I love it).
- Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. (She'd put it in Tupperware bowls; I liked the pink one best. I would wait for it to melt just a bit, and then cut it into pie slices with my spoon. Angel Food brand. I can't find that anymore but I have Edy's Mint Choc Chip lowfat in my freezer now.)
- Recycling. (I rinse it all out just like she did before I throw my recyclables into the bin.)
- My car (the first new car I've ever had, the bills still come in her name b.c she's the co-signer who made it possible).

I miss her. Most days I can just remember her fondly b.c there's not too much I regret. I just hate that I had to move away from her, that her life with me in it passed so quickly by. I'm kind of struggling with it, the whole death thing. I'm not a Christian-related religious person but she was and I hope she's gone where she believed she'd go, but I worry b/c I don't share her beliefs, I won't see her again. I wonder about where she went and hope she's ok. I think about how her life went in the blink of an eye and it makes me nervous and uncomfortable with how quickly my life is going by. I love being alive but I'm always carrying a fear now that my life will end soon. I worry more than I ever did because life is so fragile and complex and can be snatched away anytime. And for some reason when people I've known and loved have passed that were younger, well, I thought about the craziness of it all and about how I would keep getting older, moving forward, and they would not, and I've thought of and missed those people, but they weren't as close to me as my granny was. And I realize more than ever that every single person I know will die... and I am no exception. Sometimes it frightens me that I am only as far from death as any given moment. Sometimes I feel way more depressed about it than I should be. I'm tired of being so worrysome.

I just really also miss my grandmother. It's had me so upset that this is the first time I've tried to put it into words to read back. I hope she knows, wherever she is, that I love her for always and she's always going to be a part of me.

Blogthings

IN 1982 - The Year I Was Born: 

• Ronald Reagan is president of the US
• The space shuttle Columbia completes its first operational flight 
• Actor John Belushi is found dead of a drug overdose in a West Hollywood hotel
• Automobile manufacturer John Delorean is arrested and charged with possession of 59 pounds of cocaine
• The first artificial heart is implanted in American Barney Clark
• The Cable News Network, or CNN, is launched
• 750,000 people rally against nuclear weapons in New York City's Central Park
• Time Magazine's Man of the Year was for the first time given to a non-human, a computer
• The first computer virus, written by Rich Skrenta, escapes into the wild
• Kirsten Dunst and Elisha Cuthbert are born
• St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series
• San Francisco 49ers win Superbowl XVI
• New York Islanders win the Stanley Cup
• E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is the top grossing film
• Ozzy Osbourne bites the head off of a live bat thrown at him during a performance, later hospitalized with rabies
• "I Love Rock 'N Roll" by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts spends the most time at the top of the US charts 
• Cheers, Family Ties, Silver Spoons, and Fame premiere

Your Vocabulary: B+

 You have a zealous love for the English language, and many find your vocabulary edifying.

Don't fret that you didn't get every word right, your vocabulary can be easily ameliorated!

A Baby's Night's Sleep

   My son stayed with his granny last night at her boyf of over 10 yr's house. There was a bad storm & lightning struck the house. A bunch of damage occurred and the house could have burned down. I'm pretty freaked; that's some craziness. The outlets got such a jolt the upstairs caught on fire. All the electrical appliances except 1 t.v. were totally blown. The firemen had to pull apart parts of the house! The fire upstairs went out & they said it's amazing it went out on it's own.
My baby slept through the whole thing.

39 secrets

thirty-nine secrets about yourself.]
[be honest no matter what.]


[one] what is your natural hair color?
[honestly] -->mostly grey. and brown.

[two] where was your default picture taken?
[honestly] -->in my bed, right when i woke up and had gotten off the phone with greg.


[three] what's your middle name?
[honestly] -->nicole


[four] your current relationship status?
[honestly] -->if he would talk to me i would know. so i guess that's bad.


[five] does your crush like you back?
[honestly] -->i hope i didn't ruin it. i seem to have a knack for fuckin up.


[six] what is your current mood?
[honestly] -->sick to my tummy

[seven] what color underwear are you wearing?
[honestly] --> ....none

[eight] what makes you happy?
[honestly] --> making greg happy, maya, the thought of my lil baby

[ten] if you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
[honestly] --> never regret the choices you made, b/c at some moment it was exactly what you wanted. nothing.

[eleven] if you must be an animal for one day, what would you be?
[honestly] -->bird so i can fly!

[twelve] ever had a near death experience?
[honestly] -->i believe so. it sucked.


[thirteen] something you do alot
[honestly]-->cry


[fourteen] what's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
[honestly] -->something by the shins


[fifteen] who did you copy and paste this from?
[honestly] -->amy


[sixteen] name someone with the same birthday as you?
[honestly] -->this guy zach at work. he's like 4 yrs younger though. made me feel old.

[seventeen] when was the last time you cried?
[honestly] -->last night

[eighteen] have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
[honestly] -->yeah, but not a huge audience

[nineteen] if you could have one super power what would it be?
[honestly] -->the ability to know how to say the right things.

[twenty] what's the first thing(s) you notice about the opposite sex?
[honestly] --> looks. cause you look at them. DUH.

[twenty-one] what do you usually order from starbucks?
[honestly] -->mocha with some flavoured syrup

[twenty-two] what's your biggest secret?
[honestly] -->if i told it wouldnt be a secret, silly.

[twenty-three] favorite color?
[honestly] -->rainbow

[twenty-four] when was the last time you lied?
[honestly] -->i dont lie.

[twenty-five] do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
[honestly] --> yeah, with maya

twenty-six] what are you eating or drinking at the moment?
[honestly] -->water

[twenty-seven] do you speak any other language?
[honestly] --> no.

[twenty-eight] what's your favorite smell?
[honestly] --> rain

[twenty-nine] if you could describe your life in one word what would it be?
[honestly] -->overly-dramatic

[thirty] when was the last time you gave/received a hug?
[honestly] -->to maya bug

[thirty-one] have you ever been kissed in the rain?
[honestly] -->why yes

[thirty-two] what are you thinking about right now?
[honestly] -->i'm obsessing over something

[thirty-three] what should you be doing?
[honestly] -->sleeping i guess. trying to not wig out.

[thirty-four] what was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
[honestly] -->i'm straight up upset now.

[thirty-five] how often do you pray?
[honestly] -->i really dont

[thirty-six] do you like working in the yard?
[honestly] -->i did before working in a garden center became my job

[thirty-seven] if you could have any last name in the world, what honestly] -->love

[thirty-eight] do you act differently around your crush?
[honestly] -->i seem to act a fool... accidentally

[thirty-nine] name one song that reminds you of an ex?
[honestly] -->"world spins madly on" ~weepies

Ink & Scars

I have been opposed to tats for my personal use for a long time. "It's something I'll regret someday," "You can remove piercings but not tattoos" (well, not without some laser action), "When I'm old, that'll look tacky as hell in church" (wtf, I don't even know, but it's crossed my mind- hey, someday when I'm closer to the end than the beginning, who knows? I may take up some sort of religion... maybe. Doubtfully. Who knows.)...

So. I have been thinking about it. What have I loved since I was a kid? What will I love until the day I die? What is something that I enjoy, appreciate, want to protect? What is something I hold dear? What would I possibly want to have inked into my flesh for the rest of my life?

Thought of tats always starts me thinking about my scars. Some of them were sheer accident, like the one on my forehead from the monkey bars in kindergarten. Some were battle wounds: the scars I have from my first childbirth (let's not go into that), the stretch marks I've succumbed to from carrying children. Some were unforeseen, like the tiny ones on my toes from swimming barefoot as a child in Pickwick Lake and catching glass on my tootsies. Some were self-induced, like all the piercings I've had and taken out. One is just plain stupid- the huge one on my left arm that looks like a crazy centipede, inflicted by a broken shard of glass and requiring 25 stitches.

Tattoos, like scars, become part of the map of your body, part of your physical appearance and makeup. They are not something for me personally to take lightly. And I have to finish this later b/c Greg's telling me to chop chop. I hate interrupting myself when I'm in the middle of a good ramble...

Not a Hippie...

You're A BABY BOOMER

You fit in best with people born between 1943 and 1960.

You are optimistic, rebellious, and even a little self centered.

You still believe that you will change the world.

You detest authority and rules. Deep down, you're a non conformist.

Cook This NOW!

Ingredients
Extra-virgin olive oil (EVOO), for drizzling
1 head garlic
1 medium eggplant, ends removed, peeled and cut into small chunks
2 to 3 medium zucchini, ends removed, quartered and into small chunks
2 red bell peppers, cored, seeds removed and cut into small chunks
1 large onion, cut into small chunks
4 sprigs thyme, leaves removed
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 pint grape or cherry tomatoes
1 pound whole wheat penne
1/2 cup Italian parsley, chopped
1/2 cup (a large handful) grated Parmigiano-Reggiano, plus more to pass at the table

Yields: 4 servings

Preparation
Preheat oven to 450ºF. Place a large pot of salted water over high heat and bring to a boil.

Cut a sliver off the top of the garlic head just large enough to expose the cloves. Tear off a large square of aluminum foil and place the garlic in the center. Drizzle a small amount of EVOO over the head and wrap the foil up around it. Place in the oven and roast until golden brown and tender, about 45 minutes.


While the garlic is roasting, cut up the veggies and place everything except the tomatoes on one or two large baking sheets, along with the thyme leaves.

Once the garlic has been roasting for about 15 minutes, drizzle the veggies with EVOO and season them with some salt and freshly ground black pepper. Roast them in the oven until tender and caramelized, about 30 minutes.

Once the veggies have been in the oven about 10 minutes, place the tomatoes onto another baking sheet, drizzle them with EVOO and hit them with some salt and freshly ground black pepper. Toss them into the oven with the other veggies and roast until they've burst and shriveled up slightly, 15-20 minutes.

Once the veggies have about 10 minutes left to go, drop the pasta into the boiling water and cook to al dente according to package directions. Before draining the pasta, ladle about 3/4 cup or so of the pasta cooking liquid into a large serving bowl. Drain the pasta and reserve.


Once the garlic is done roasting, allow it to cool enough to handle, then hold the head in your hand over the bowl with the pasta water and squeeze out all of the roasted cloves into the bowl. Add the tomatoes and mash everything together.


Add the roasted veggies, drained pasta, parsley and grated Parmigiano to the bowl and toss it all to combine.

Pass some additional Parmigiano-Reggiano at the table along with the bowl of pasta.

Baby Haden & I Say Hi!

Springtime In The Bluegrass

i've gone back to work once again. it's nice to be outside again. i knew it would be difficult.. greg gets home to keep haden right as it's time for me to leave. yesterday was our first weekday with this new situation and i must say, it's going to be rough.
i'm so tired. my body hurts, but that's ok; i know my aching muscles need to be utilized. maybe some of the weight i've gained will start to go away. i am grateful for the health to be outside in the conditions the nursery provides, which can be harsh under the sun in the south.
the garden center is just now beginning to get in all the annuals and there is color everywhere. the trees are blooming and anytime i like, i can walk by the trees for the scent of cherry blossoms floating on the breeze. bees fly off of the salvia as i water and hover around me, and i don't worry because i know they understand that i'm not there to hurt them, i'm helping their pollen source stay healthy. they're tiny allies and i feel like they know i appreciate them and care for the flowers.
there is a large demand for straw and i love climbing into the trailer and climbing all over the bails and hauling them out. it reminds me of childhood, of hay rides. the smell is comforting.
at night when the lights go off and i see the moon rise above the tables of plants and rows of trees. last night it was a cheshire cat smile. the air was cool after a perfect, mild day.
they call the summer months at lowe's the "hundred days of hell", but it's my time to shine. it does get insanely busy, hot, hectic, and chaotic. i do get scraped, cut, scratched, dirty, sore, blistered, bruised, and sunburned (no matter how much sunblock i wear), then weathered and tan. i have to scrub my fingernails and toenails in the shower every night, wash the layers of dirt off of me, cold cream my burned face. the management really under-pays and under-appreciates. i feel like a mexican laborer at times. but the customers, the nice ones, are so great. they're fun to help and i love how excited people feel about planting. i enjoy being able to assist someone in planting something living in the earth and helping it flourish.
i'm loving it today. in another month it'll all be bitching, but i love that i have it to bitch about, as little sense as that makes. i miss my old sales supervisor debi. i wonder about her, and mike the team leader too. they both taught me so much about my job. i miss the memphis lowes and the crazy coworkers. living and working in a small town store that's about 80,000 square feet smaller is a very different experience. but i have met some cool people, like sierra, who is still getting used to kentucky like me, and kari, who somehow manages to keep long fancy ass painted/glittered nails even though she's a hands-on sales supervisor.
also, i would rather be busy any day at a job than look at my watch over and over, wondering why the time is dragging by so slowly. i am so tired and it's only just now beginning...

and i am trying to start school too.

Ode to Jeremy

this was too great for me not to put in a blog. and a bulletin. and a photo comment. it's awesome. i don't know what made me think of this, i wasn't even consciously aware of knowing what eddie vedder looks like. hehehehehe! 

the first picture is of my cousin. the second is Eddie Vedder. i think the song "Jeremy" must have been written for my cousin. 

Lyrics I Cannot Stop Hearing Lately...

By Bob-

Most of the time
I'm clear focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the sign
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I don't even notice she's gone
Most of the time.

Most of the time it's well understood
Most of the time I wouldn't
change it if I could
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation
right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
And I don't even think about her
Most of the time.

Most of the time my head is on straight
Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate
I don't build up illusion 'til it makes me sick
I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don't even remember what her
lips felt like on mine
Most of the time.

Most of the time she ain't even in my mind
I wouldn't know her if I saw her
She's that far behind
Most of the time I can even be sure
If she was ever with me
Or if I was ever with her
Most of the time I'm halfway content
Most of the time I know exactly where it went
I don't cheat on myself I don't run and hide
Hide from the feelings that are buried inside
I don't compromise and I don't pretend
I don't even care if I ever see her again
Most of the time.
Most of the time
I'm clear focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the sign
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I don't even notice she's gone
Most of the time.

Most of the time it's well understood
Most of the time I wouldn't
change it if I could
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation
right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
And I don't even think about her
Most of the time.

Most of the time my head is on straight
Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate
I don't build up illusion 'til it makes me sick
I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don't even remember what her
lips felt like on mine
Most of the time.

Most of the time she ain't even in my mind
I wouldn't know her if I saw her
She's that far behind
Most of the time I can even be sure
If she was ever with me
Or if I was ever with her
Most of the time I'm halfway content
Most of the time I know exactly where it went
I don't cheat on myself I don't run and hide
Hide from the feelings that are buried inside
I don't compromise and I don't pretend
I don't even care if I ever see her again
Most of the time.

By Ani-

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean
is grey. i feel right at home in this stunning
monochrome, alone in my way. i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink i have a tiny dream. but as
bad as i am i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse
than i seem. what kind of paradise am i looking
for? i've got everything i want and still i want
more. maybe some tiny shiny thing will wash up on
the shore. you walk through my walls like a ghost
on tv. you penetrate me and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft floating out to sea.
and what can i say but i'm wired this way and
you're wired to me, and what can i do but wallow
in you unintentionally? what kind of paradise am i
looking for? i've got everything i want and still
i want more. maybe some tiny shiny key will wash
up on the shore. regretfully, i guess i've got
three simple things to say. why me? why this now?
why this way? overtone's ringing, undertow's
pulling away under a sky that is grey on sand that
is grey by an ocean that's grey. what kind of
paradise am i looking for? i've got everything i
want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny
key will wash up on the shore.

Goin Green in Easy Ways

As those of you who've known me for years and years prolly recall, I was quite the lil "save the earth" "love your mother" "hug a tree" kinda gal. Life's been so crazy here I've lost track, but I am getting back on course and am starting to make small changes that will make an impact. And I feel really good when I do it, too. I've begun taking re-usable bags to the grocery. It takes as much gas to drive a car one mile as it does to make 14 plastic bags! That's crazy.
Try calling your trash provider to see if they offer recycling. I called mine today to inquire and found out they'll loan me a bin and p/u for *free*. I coulda been doing this for months. I feel like an ass.
When SPRING comes, air dry your laundry. You can even put it in the dryer when it's done for a few seconds to fluff it up so it's not funky feelin from air drying. This still uses WAAAAY less energy.
When you can, use chemical free stuff. It's expensive so I cannot always comply... but I do whenever I have a few extra dollars to spend.
Check out your produce! Some of it comes from distant parts of the world! It's more important to eat organic if it's an item that's known to be high in pesticides, other than that, buy local. It's not helping to buy organic tomatoes from, say, Chile. It's also cool to help local farmers.
Compost, compost, compost. It's as simple as setting up a spot, making sure you know what not to throw in it, and using a tarp or something as a cover. It doesn't have to be elaborate. Look it up, it's easy. Once it's done, if you're not into gardening, sell or donate that nutrient-rich soil to someone who will use it.

Make saving our planet a part of your daily life with easy changes. Start today with help from these resources.

~Activism~

American Forests
The average person is responsible for emitting 94 pounds of carbon dioxide every day. It takes four trees, which act as natural air filters, to offset the carbon dioxide each person generates in a month. For each dollar donated, American Forests plants a tree. For more information and to plant trees, visit www.americanforests.org.

Earth 911
Find information about environmental services and events in your community, visit www.earth911.org.

Engines Off
Lynn Romanek from Glencoe, Illinois, has organized parents at her childrens' school to turn off their cars instead of idling in the parking lot. Idling 10 minutes less per day can keep 550 pounds of carbon dioxide out of the air every year. For more information visit www.enginesoff.org.

Greendimes
A group that reduces junk mail and plants trees. For more information or to sign up, visit www.greendimes.com.

Treehugger
For ideas on green living, visit www.treehugger.com.

Stop Global Warming Tour
Learn more about Sheryl Crow and Laurie David's tour and what you can do to find solutions for global warming. Visit www.stopglobalwarming.org for more information.

The Green
Simran Sethi hosts The Green on the Sundance Channel. Visit www.sundancechannel.com/thegreen for more information.

The Green Book by Elizabeth Rogers and Thomas Kostigen
Simple things you can do to save the planet. Find more at www.readthegreenbook.com.

Shopping and Cleaning
Ecobags
Bringing your own bag when shopping saves plastic bags. Visit www.ecobags.com.

Method Home
Method offers some cleaners that are dye- and perfume-free, nontoxic, biodegradable, naturally derived and never tested on animals. For more information, visit www.methodhome.com.

Mrs. Meyers cleaning supplies
All of their cleaning supplies are made with natural essential oils, are biodegradable and phosphate-free. For more, visit www.mrsmeyers.com.

Seventh Generation products
Seventh Generation is one of the leading brands of nontoxic household products. For more information, visit www.seventhgeneration.com.

Shaklee
This company has been producing natural cleaning products—everything from dryer sheets to stain removers—for 50 years. Call 800-670-6251 or visit www.shaklee.com to save 33 percent on the Shaklee Healthy Home pack and 15 percent off all other items at Shaklee.

Energy

BITS Ltd. smart power strips
Even after turning off a computer, power continues to flow to computer peripherals like printers and scanners. This power strip ($32.99) stops the energy from being wasted. For more information visit www.bitsltd.net.

Carbonfund.org and Terrapass
If your local utility company doesn't offer green power, you can reduce the environmental impact by purchasing offsets. In this system, you give money to companies like Carbonfund.org or Terrapass, which use it to develop renewable energy sources. For more on purchasing power offsets, visit www.carbonfund.org or www.terrapass.com.

Duke Energy
Duke Energy provided energy efficiency starter kits for audience members. The kits are available to their customers in Indiana and Kentucky who qualify for in-home energy audits. For additional information visit www.duke-energy.com. Check with your local energy company for similar ways to save energy.

GE Energy Smart lightbulbs
GE Energy Smart bulbs use 70 to 75 percent less energy than incandescent lightbulbs and last up to 10 times longer than incandescent bulbs. For example, by using a 26-watt compact fluorescent lightbulb—equivalent to a 100-watt incandescent lightbulb—users can save up to $59 on energy costs over the life of the bulb. Saving energy saves money and is better for the environment.

Water bottles

Nalgene water bottles
These water bottles are durable, inexpensive, can be used repeatedly and are widely recyclable. For more information visit www.nalgene-outdoor.com.

New Wave Enviro Products
Corn-resin bottle with filter ($8.99) provides pure, clean drinking water and can be reused up to 90 times, and the bottle biodegrades in just 80 days. For more information visit www.newwaveenviro.com or call 800-592-8371.

SIGG water bottles
Using a premium reusable bottle like SIGG greatly helps reduce unnecessary environmental waste caused by plastic PET water bottles. Get more information at mysigg.com.

Grocery store
During 1 trip, you make hundreds of decisions that can have real environmental impacts. With just a few easy changes, you can make a positive difference in the world.

~Instead of regular aluminum foil or plastic wrap, purchase recycled aluminum foil.
It uses just 1/20th of the energy needed to produce regular foil.

~Look for items without extensive packaging.
Most food packaging material uses some petroleum-based plastic. There are several ways to cut down on the energy and waste this produces. Look for minimally or unpackaged items instead. Experiment with bringing your own packaging or buying in bulk. Purchase brands that use bio-based instead of petroleum-based plastic. Recycle or reuse packaging materials you end up having to buy.

~Bring a cloth bag to the grocery store instead of using its plastic bags.
An estimated 500 billion to 1 trillion plastic bags are consumed worldwide each year. That's 1 million bags used per minute. And, according to the EPA, more than 380 billion of those are discarded in the U.S. Less than 1 percent of those are actually recycled. Instead, these bags will clog landfills, create litter, choke streams and harm marine wildlife, like whales, seals and sea turtles.

~Buy local and organic.
Buying seasonal, locally produced food helps in a number of ways. Most food travels 1,500 miles from "farm to fork." But buying local food drastically reduces the energy spent on food shipping. Local goods also tend to use minimal packaging, are fresher and come in more varieties. The best way to track down local food is at your local farmers markets or through the Community Supported Agriculture department. Farmers who grow produce organically use less fossil fuel and release fewer greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere. Organic farming is better for the land, for the farmers, and for the consumers.

Freecyle, Yo

Remember how I posted that neato community poster? Freecycle is a good place to start. I've been doing it for a few years now and have had so many pos. experiences I thought I may paste some of a moderator's comments and lovely explanation of the process. It's really quite cool.

To check it out for yourself, go here: www.freecycle.org and type in your city. Super worth it, I shit you not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**WHAT IS FREECYCLE(TM) ABOUT?**

FIRST, WHAT IT "ISN'T" ABOUT

Freecycle is NOT about giving only to the poor.
It is NOT about getting as much free stuff as we can.
It is NOT about getting things to earn money on the side.
It is NOT about getting rid of junk that would be better off in the
landfill.
It is NOT about posting a "wish list" for expensive items and
expecting a fairy godmother to fulfill it for us.
It is NOT a community bulletin board for finding rentals, dentists,
mechanics, or advertising our businesses and services or special
events.

WHAT FREECYCLE "IS" ABOUT

Freecycle IS about keeping things out of the landfill.
It IS about giving away something that has no use in our life anymore
to someone who could extend its usefulness a little longer.
It IS about giving gifts to people while clearing out our own clutter.
It IS about creating, building, and sustaining an environmentally
aware community.

OFFERING ITEMS WE NO LONGER NEED TO THOSE WHO NEED THEM

When we post an OFFER, we're offering to give someone a gift. It is
up to us to give this gift to whomever we feel would be the best
recipient. We're not obligated to give our gift to someone who is
rich, poor, single, married, has no kids, has 1 kid, has 15 kids, has
a car, doesn't have a car, or has a purple octopus named George
living in their backyard. We can choose the most polite,
the rudest, the funniest, or the shortest response to receive our
gift. We can put their names in a hat and do a draw, or we can wave
our magic fingers over our screens and pick one that way. We can
choose the first, 3rd, or 53rd respondent. We can wait 24 hours and
then decide. It is up to us.

LETTING OTHER PEOPLE KNOW WHAT WE NEED

When we post a WANTED message, or respond to an offer, we're
requesting a gift. The odds are that no one on this list will be able
to give us what we're asking for. But sometimes somebody will see a
WANTED for a bowling ball and go "AHA! I have one in my closet!"
But, you know what? Just because we're rich, poor, single, married,
have no kids, have 1 kid, have 15 kids, have a car, don't have a car,
or have a purple octopus named George living in our backyard, does
not mean we're more worthy of receiving a gift from a fellow
Freecycle member than the average person living down the street.

Sending emails that don't say "please" or "thank you" are a way to
not receive an item. Sending emails with nasty comments in them are
one way to find ourselves in a bit of trouble.

HOW TO PARTICIPATE IN FREECYCLE

When you want to find a new home for something -- whether it's a
chair, a fax machine, piano, or an old door -- you simply send an
e-mail offering it to members of your Freecycle group.

Or, maybe you're looking to acquire something yourself. Simply respond
to a member's offer, and you just might get it. After that, it's up to
the giver to decide who receives the gift and to set up a pickup time
for passing on the treasure. You can even post a Wanted message
to the group because somebody might have just the exact thing you
really need stored away in a closet.

One main rule: Everything posted must be free, legal, and appropriate
for all ages.

YOU'RE BUILDING A COMMUNITY BY PARTICIPATING

We're part of a community. In every community, there are people who
don't get along. And in most communities, when two people don't get
along, they just avoid each other. To do that on Freecycle, all you
have to do is set up a filter to send any email from someone you
don't want to hear from straight into your trash bin. If you need
help with that, let the moderators know and they can help you.

So, just remember: If you're offering a gift, it's up to you to
decide who gets it.

And if you're requesting a gift... well, be patient. Your turn will
come eventually, but if you're not careful your name could end up on
a 'will not give to' list. You may want to try making an OFFER
to the list, just to see how the process works. Look in your closet
or in that box you haven't unpacked since you moved in two years
ago. Prime stuff for Freecycle!

She Was a Friend of Mine: Kirsten Kryszak.

oh, kirsten. last time i saw her was right after christmas at the young ave deli, 1999. i'd just had maya a bit over a month before and was there with josh. she said "congratulations, mama" in that happy voice. i still have the terrapin turtle ring that she gave me from iguana coast, josh lost at a drum circle in montana, and then convinced her to give him her's as a replacement... i still wear that silly ring.

i remember them all leavin from my yard in tully's bus for the gathering. she'd spent 40 bucks on victoria's secret underwear which was hilarious, since that's so not a camping neccessity. we laughed about that. i remember we were all as careless in those days. i was definitely as trusting as she was. if something bad happened to her, it's amazing to think that nothing bad happened to the people she knew, people like me... a buncha kids with the same issues and troubles, with the same zest for life and illegalities and hippie shit. so many nights she sat in josh's room with us, laughing in that ditsy way that made us smile. she was so pretty, and so full of life...

approximately one week after i saw her at the deli, she was gone. i found out at the pancake shop on summer ave one morning when i was eating with josh. her face was on a flyer. we were freaked out, but we knew she was just becoming old enough to travel freely, we knew how stifling our hometown was... we thought maybe she was just on the road, but there was a bad feeling behind it.

she never came back. traci told me this past new year's about the article, tonite i stumbled across it. poignantly written, it pangs my heart. i lay here in bed next to my slumbering newborn son, thinking of the seven years that have passed and how much growing i've done, and how life can be shitty but i am so grateful for it... and i wonder whatever happened to this naive girl. her soc security number hasn't been used. there's no proof she's dead, though. it kind of leaves a hole...

this is the story: Gone Without a Trace
here's some more media on it:  Conflicting Stories
                                           Cold Case Heating Up

How To Build Community

The Coming of My Little Boy

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO AWESOME!
   The birthday congrats and baby congrats were all so appreciated.

I am now exercising more patience than I ever thought possible, my babyson is totally adorable and I have never loved anything so stinky and screamy so much before.  I didn't really get a taste of parenthood with my daughter; I know that's terrible, but when she was a baby my parents took care of the hard stuff.

I'm at the library just to grab some kid books to point at cool pictures to the baby with.  Here, one last time:

MY SON!!!
Born Jan 11th, 2008 (on his Daddy's Birthday!)
8 lbs, 4 oz
20 inches long

He's now 9.8 and 21.5"!!!  Wow.  Wowza.

MUCHO LOVE ~ and yes, still... butterflies and hippie shit forever

This is my Sister's Fault...

Happy New Year pholks.  If you're reading this I want you to message me your address so I can send you a birth announcement when my son comes.  Oblige me.  I'm pretty stoked.  I am ready to have this boy.  Yeah.  Anyway, I'm in a room with a swawking, talking bird I am resisting the urge to kill.  I hate it.  There's guinney pigs & children in here.  But here I sit.

1) Where did you begin 2007?
If anyone can tell me, I will be impressed.  I cannot fucking remember and it's bugging me.

2) What was your status on New years day?  Single.

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Nope, regrettably.

4) How did you earn your money?
Lowe's.

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Over and over, damn hives.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
YES I got a ticket taking some children to Bible Study.  Fucker wouldn't go easy on me.  Pig cost me money.

7) Where did you go on holidays?
Nowhere.  I'm like an elephant.  Travel= impossible.  We hung out with G's mom & family.
8) What did you purchase that was over $1,000?
Um...  oh, my car.  Duh.
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Uh....  no one told me.

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Uh...  fuck I hope not or I am a bad rememberer.

12) Did you move anywhere?
Yeah I moved from TN to KY.  Downgrade, believe it or not, but life's better.

13) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Citizen Cope.  I think that's about it.  I've been busy.

15) Are you registered to vote?
Yep this will be my second time.

16) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
I don't know what that is

17) Where do you live now?
Mount Sterling, KY

18) Describe your birthday?
Man, I drank myself retarded at some point, I don't remember.  It musta sucked.

19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
Oh man, went to WY got pregnant moved to Kentucky.  Shiiit.

20) What has been your favorite moment?
Watching Greg's face while he feels his son move.  Seeing Maya on her bday.

21) What's something you learned about yourself?
I too can grow up.

22) Any new additions to your family?
He'll be along any time.  Holy mackarel.

23.) What was your best month?
um...  April I think.  I went to WY, was still with my daughter, happy times.

24.) Any surgeries, and if so, on what?
nope.

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Man after an incident in March I laid waayyy off, then I got pregnant, soberish yr.

26) Made new friends?
A couple,and then my new coworkers are mostly all really great. 

27) New best friend?
Um... Greg of course.

28) Favorite Night out?
The night I went drinking with G and Mel in Jackson and fell on my face on some asphalt.  I laugh thinking about it.

29) Did you find love?
yes

30) What was your proudest moment?
i'm not sure.  maybe seeing my unborn son suck his thumb.

31) What was your saddest moment?
summertime before i got a job, especially when i found out for sure bug wasn't going to come here.  i thought my heart was torn in half.  i felt raw.