It Occured to me Today...

i really feel like i have no idea who i am anymore.  i suppose this has a tendency to happen by the time you've had an extra person growing in you for almost 36 weeks. 
someone needs to get this thing outta me.

hello blogging my old friend...

i went to memphis for mt girl's birthday.  the experience was... interesting.  let's just say i returned to my home with a much improved view of my life.  i love my boyfriend very much.  my life is uncomplicated and does not suck.  there's no drama here.  we may not have a lot, or a lot of money, but i am in a better place, and i am striving for better things.  honestly i no longer see myself moving to memphis again unless there is some sort of catastrophe.  my feelings of homesickness on my trip were for my quiet little home with the man i hope to marry and my stinky kitty.
of course, seeing my daughter was amazing, but right now, she really does seem happy where she is.  although my parents are high-stress, high-drama, high-argument people, my bug is taken care of, happy, spoiled to a degree (but still as sweet as pie).  she was the absolute highlight of my trip, and remains my angel.  since i have come back to ky i have called and talked to her almost daily, only missing 2 nights so far.  my relationship with my parents is slowly improving. 
life is changing in my mind, but i am tentatively optimistic.  i keep cutting off my hair b/c i am going to grow it out grey.  i weigh more than i ever have, am terribly pregnantly uncomfortable, and eager to have this kid but terrified at the same time.  also i am still trucking along at lowe's although it may kill me; the job is actually not bad and my coworkers are all pretty nice.  i am craving meat like i haven't in years but even though i have allowed myself some gelatin-containing yummies, i still haven't chewed down any animal flesh.
thats it.

Things About Memphis...

-Beale street is what you look forward to when you turn 21.
-You've had to explain to an out of towner while driving down I-40 that Bellevue Baptist is not an airport.
-All directions start with, "Go down I-240..."
-Everything is Coke
-The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 a.m. to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30p.m. to 6:30 p.m. ; Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
-"Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.
-"Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss." So is "Honey," And don't be offended; it is used by both sexes.
-the falling of one raindrop causes all traffic to immediately come to a screeching halt. So will Daylight Savings Time, a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. Should (God forbid) one snowflake fall in Memphis, all drivers on the roads immediately lose any ability to control a car. Or, if in a pickup truck or SUV, they will drive as though the roads are dry.
-Nonconnah Parkway (TN-385) is the southern equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi on Nonconnah Parkway, because the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match, to meet their children at the school bus
-You remember the days of Adventure River , and Wild Water and Wheels
- You survived the Ice Storm of '94
-A typical set of Midtown directions may include, "take North Parkway east until you reach East Parkway , then take East Parkway south until you reach South Parkway , then take South Parkway west until you reach...
-Even though it is the largest indoor arena in the region, there is no easy way to reach The Pyramid. You must drive under a series of interstate off-ramps and through the back of a concrete company in order to park. Once you reach the building, you must climb up dozens of steps, even if your seats are at floor level, which means you will be climbing back DOWN dozens of steps after entering the arena
-You know what real Barbecue is.
-You're scared of Germantown Cops
-There is an intersection of two streets near Midtown. The "two" streets are Summer Avenue, North Parkway, Trezevant Blvd., and East Parkway . Again, names change at random. This situation (two intersecting streets with four names) is not atypical. It is common knowledge that Memphis was laid out by a drunk on a crippled horse.
-You went to see the Nutcracker every year from elementary to middle school
-Your proud of the number one violent crime rate Memphis holds. Because that means you survived living in Memphis.
-Rednecks or not, we still can kick your ass.
-you remember when construction on the main library had to stop for about 4 years because the architects didn't take into account the weight of the books.
-Our tap water is like your Evian.
-Our mayor does drugs, how hardcore is that?
-Goin muddin is a sport
-You drive like your gonna kill everyone else.
- The weather doesn't go with the season
- You just call the Mississippi "The River."
- You didn't know that the Old Bridge and the New Bridge had names.
-All year long you look forward to May... because Music fest is in May
-you've had to switch the thermostat from heat to air-conditioning in the same day
- you can say "Take Poplar" and get anywhere from anywhere.
- 201 poplar is one place you don't want to visit
- everyone hates the mayor, yet somehow, we are still under the reign of King Willy
-You know what VooDoo Village is.. Double points if you've actually been to VooDoo Village.. Triple points if a bus rolled out in front of you.
-You've never been to Graceland .
-When you wait in line for 30 mins for Fast Food
-Remember the Mall of Murder
- Orange Mound and Nutbush aren't things to be laughing about.
- University of Memphis is known as Tiger High.

cough, cough...

your names were lovely.  especially falkor, but i have some friends who just named their kid atreyu so... no.  teehee, i'm not kidding, they did.  g thinks it's weird of me to not name my kid before it's born.  he wants a name picked out, so we discussed it, came to a decision... i told him he could tell people and everything.  so even though it makes my palms sweat, we have a name  thank you, craig t. nelson.  the middle name is my artistic liscence, i get to pick it and reserve the right to change it up until it goes on the certificate, so that's anyone's guess.  g's last name, he insists, saying it's only fair b/c my girl has my last name and this is his first child.  so...  i am being (gulp) decisive.
in other news, g's working a second job and i'm really lonely.  pulling in 30 hour work weeks still leaves too much time for my idle brain.  there's a mama cat in my house with 5 6 wk old kittens, they're ready to go, i'll fedex you one, any takers?
i'm about 24 weeks preggo and this is by far my chunkiest pregnancy.  it's all slimquick and exercise and tube tying after this.  i'm so sick of people asking me if there's only one baby in there.   i drank a lot of empty carbs before, people!  g-d! 
i cannot live in kentucky.  i told g i will try not to complain until our lease is up but a big part of my unhappiness involves being here.  i have met a couple of nice people, but i dont fit in, and the word vegetarian is unheard of.  this is not my home.  i dont belong... no matter how hard i try.  tonya, my first ky friend, is cool, and the people she's related to/knows...  but i told greg when the lease is up, i'm going.  i don't care if i have to stuggle to get on my feet somewhere else.  i want to go back to memphis (yes, i mean it) but he would never ever in a bazillion years comply with moving there. 
that's all for now.  tomorrow begins my lowe's work week, yay.

My Aching Feet

i am so glad i'm working.  spending my days with people, making money.  i seem to have a tendency to sleep through alarm clocks, though.  and my increased size makes my feet achey.  but all in all it's cool and i like putting together a lowe's, seeing the shelves fill up.  good times. 
i need ideas for boy names.  dont flake out. 

'The Years Will Seem Short But the Days go Slowly By...'

i am having a son.  he is set to arrive in the world on january 13th.  words for this escape me.  anyone who knows what i should name him, holla.  i think maybe jackson, cause i blame it on the tetons... heehee, or hayden, cause coach fox was one of the best men in my childhood.  he's getting bigger...  but has a while yet.  still i cannot believe i am halfway there.  when i look back it's gone fast.  during my time it goes slow, missing maya so much i can barely breathe, waiting for my job at lowe's to start, watching one of the six channels on my tv, luvin on greg cause he loves me...
i cannot think of life like i used to.  it's impossible to explain with these time restrictions on a library computer, but it's not the same.  i think for the first time i understand the concept of adulthood.  i have to say, it scares the shit outta me.  but i cannot stay the carefree soul i've been. 

Central KY Saturday Blues..

oh no, i am not dead.  i have just been without internet access.  it pisses me off to be alone in the sticks.  i watch so many hours of court shows in a day it's goddamn ridiculous.  16 weeks along now and feelin oh so like a stuffed pig.  dont care for it much.  greg is dandy, he's so sweet and loving and full of caring.  spending time with him keeps me goin.

i am in another custody fight.  apparently even though maya moved with me to fl and i have been the one caring for her, the protective custody order from 2004 sticks if i try to take her without my parents wanting me to.  upon callin my old lawyer, who had assured me it was all good to not wrap that old custody issue up in court, i discovered he had died the week prior.  great. 
now i am going to have to find a job and a way to come up with 3 grand for a new lawyer.  shitty.  and here i thought i could trust my parents.  fuckin fool me twice, shame on ME.  after this is over, i am not going to deal with them again.

that's about all there is, folks.  i miss travel and the road.  i dont miss home... sometimes you realize that the people who you think are closest, who really have your back, honestly don't care. 

one year of mount sterling, and i am OUT.  out i tell you.  there are only a handful of people i have met here that i like remotely.  i'm not here to make any friends. this is a transient place for me, i'm going to get my shit together and kindly take my leave.   finally got insurance, should be seeing a doc next week, and greg got a job at a cabinet manufacturer close to home.  i am reading a lot.  hope to get into school sometime soon.  tired of my days feeling wasted.

at least i am still breathing.  and i am enamored with my sweetie.  and determined to end this mess with maya.  i am determined it's going to be ok.  i know it will be.

Flight Risk

he felt as if he'd stumbled into an alter-reality.  he'd had no plans, but this wasn't what was in mind.  it was uncalled for.  shuddering, he wondered if he was cold or if it was the enormity of the empty pews and the cathedral ceiling reminding him how small he was.  it had been years since he'd been in a church; raised catholic, he'd grown apart from things associated with faith.  he wondered if he had slipped in that day hoping to find answers, but there were no answers there... there never had been.  with a sense of sudden urgency, he stood and left through the side door. 
stepping out into the sun, he squinted, shading his eyes.  the palms lining the street were blowing in a warm ocean breeze.  he walked east and although it was the middle of the day, the humidity kept his thick-framed glasses sliding down his nose.  his white t-shirt had become dry in the cool church but was now accumulating perspiration yet again.
he ducked under the first neon sign he saw, and after ordering his pbr, he settled on a couch in the pub, slipped off his shoes like it was his living room, and gazed out the window.  he thought of the people he'd never met, of the girl who he was sure thought him an ass.  he thought of all the places he could be, and thought of all the things so familiar... so many spots that felt like home.
he took a sip of his beer.  there would be no answers that day.   

Inspired by Grumble B, a man I love but may never meet.

I'm Feelin Old Survey

How Much have you changed in six years?
Six years ago.....
1.) How old were you?: 19
2.) Where did you go to school? i wasnt in school
3) Where did you work? uh... prolly mostly olive garden
4) Where did you live? memphis
5.) Where did you hang out? young ave deli, a lot.
6.) did you wear glasses? if i wasn't wearing contacts
7.) Who was your best friend? traci, meredith
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: none
9.) How many piercings did you have?: nipples, tongue, ears, septum, nostril, belly button
10.) What car did you drive: uh.. maybe a volvo?  was that my volvo year??
11.) Had you been to a real party? oh fuck yeah.
12.) Had You had your heart broken?: no.  yes.  it's complicated.
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? i think i was dating josh bates
-------------3 years ago----------
1.) How old were you?: 22
2.) Where did you go to school?: st pete college in tarpon springs
3.) Where did you work? uh... i was maybe workin for my family's company in fl?
4.) Where did you live?: in tarpon springs/holiday fl
5.) Where did you hang out?  at my aunt's or cousin's or home, at the beach some.
6) Did you wear glasses?: if not wearing dontacts
7.) Who were your best friend(s)?: traci, hilda
9.) How many tattoos did you have? none
10.) How many piercings did you have?: ears and septum and nose, but a couple new ear piercings.
11) What car did you drive?: a 79 vw bus
12) Had your heart broken?: daily
13. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: taken

--------------------Today--------------------
1.) How old are you?: 25
2.) Where do you go to school?: at the moment, nowhere.
3.) Where do you work?: i work at staying alive
4.) Where do you live?: in a really small town outside of lexington, ky
5.) Do you wear glasses?: if not wearing contacts
6.) Who are your best friends/close friends? amy, traci, greg, meredith
7.) Do you talk to your old friends? all the time
8.) How many piercings do you have? 9, 7 of which are in my ears
9.) How many tattoos?: yeah...  i still haven't taken that dive
10.) What kind of car do you have?: 07 hyundai elantra
10.) Has your heart been broken? absolutely crushed, but repaired
11. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: taken and hope to remain that way, happily.

OK, Here I am. You Found Me.

how did i get here?  how did my life become this?  when i think back on it, it seems no less extraordinary than any of the other life-changing events i have experienced.  but i feel lost in translation, i feel hormonal, i feel unsure, off-balance, emotional, sad, happy, confused, itchy, like i'm viewing what's going on instead of actually experiencing it.  it's surreal.  is this reality?  i would say yes... but then i would wonder how. 

how, again, my life has changed completely in a matter of moments.  there are some really big things that happen on a few specific certain days that determine what your life will become.  one tiny incident can change it all, one action can set off a chain reaction and boom!  life as you know it has changed.

i moved away from my hometown again.  this time i am 8 hours away instead of 13.  this time i am not near a beach or any family.  this time i am putting all of my faith into someone i have only known a little while, but who i will know for the rest of my life.

   greg,  i am happy with him.  he is amazing.  he still opens and closes my car door for me.  i took him to memphis to help me move and so he could meet my best friends, and that was about the worst possible experience of my life.  he only got along with my most functional friends.  suprisingly smooth sailing with my mom and dad, he even spent a couple of nights at my granny's house.  our situation is out of the ordinary; it is odd the way we met, and that we decided to take the chance on having a baby..  we're still getting to know one another, we barely know anything about each other... but i think it's going to be ok.
   we rented a house today, in mt. sterling ky.  this is a country bumpkin town, 20-something miles outside of lexington.  i am unfamiliar with everything, except mt. sterling.  so, i thought that would be the best place to be.  close also to greg's mom, a lady i really love.  she's so cool.  so is her man of over ten years, leo.  but our home to be is cozy, a bit retro, hardwood, in a quiet neighborhood, trees, not a subdivision where everything looks the same...  it would be cool if we had more to put in it than a bedroom set, but the bedroom set is quite lovely, and we wouldn't have that if not for g's mom, so i am grateful and happy for it.  now to try to make it home, with what i have left (not much, most of it is maybe still in florida in steph's garage, i dunno), and to start all over again. 

the baby in my belly is 12 weeks old.  i need to get my insurance changed so i can see a freakin doctor.  i cannot stop spitting (how can that happen in 3 out of  3 pregnancies?? shit luck is what i say...) and i am getting really emotional.  not like all the things that are going on aren't enough...  but on top of it, my raging ass hormones are making me cry over absurd little issues, and i feel misplaced... stranger in a strange land.  depressed?  maybe, but i don't know why.  perhaps it's because it's all happening so fast.  perhaps it's because my hives have gotten a thousand times worse and i itch all the time.  i keep having to go to the emergency room and all they give me over and over is medicine that will eventually kill me.

i'm committed to my relationship.  i just wish i had my wits about me a bit more.  i dunno.   i don't like how some of my tendencies freak greg out.  for instance, he thought my free-lovin hippie travelin ass days were long gone.  gone, but not long gone.  i'm still very free-spirited, to a fault in my mind sometimes.  i have to recognize that i am going to be living a normal life, this is what i have chosen for myself.  sometimes my gut gets that urge... that feeling that i'm missing so much, but what?  nothing really.  nothing's goin on without me that would be happening any differently if i were there.  a bunch of empty situations that won't get me ahead in life...  i don't even know why i think about it now, like it's even an option.

i am determined to be happy and to love my life.  and my man,  and maya, and this baby, and never regret or wish to change anything.  and i'm sticking to it.  fuck.  alright then.

my granny has to have a pacemaker put in on july 5th.  i am worried sick.  i feel guilty that i left her home, but i did it to make a life for myself with the person i love.  is that so wrong, so selfish?  i am in love, and i am trying to be the best person i can be... what more can i do? 

so anyway everyone, i am alive and well.  i am in love and i have a nice, safe, comfy roof over my head.  i dont think i will have the internet for a good long while, but i can go places when the need is dire to get on mycrack and check up,  so please write to me and be in touch.  i don't have a new phone number or anything... but i will check this spot as often as i can.  until next time, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.

You won't catch me around here...

my granny took it upon herself to unhook our internet.  yeah.  i have no internet service at home anymore.  honestly i dont know what to do with myself.  i must say, my iTunes library is looking incredibly organized.  that's rather amazing.  so if you are concerned about my total lack of time on myspace, i'm at home moping or watching something scary on the tube or crying.  i'm an emotional roller coaster and it ain't funny.
and yes, i am at the library.  again.  eww.  public computers.  blech.

Movin Back to Eastern Time...

like my sis's quote said, "seasons change, onward we flow".  i've turned in my two weeks at work (my last day shall be the 20th) and am moving to the lexington/georgetown area to be with my greggie-poo shortly thereafter.  i am probably transferring to a store there, but if not i am going to get a chill job with some air conditioning.  this decision is causing immesurable conflict with my mother and grandmother, who seem determined to make me feel like slime for moving away.  i went to ky though at the beginning of the week, saw my beautiful man, met some nice people, as well as greg's mom who is really sweet, and his lil bro who  is also mighty nice... and i dont think it's going to be a bad thing, really i don't.  i'm not jumping for joy over moving away from my family while being pregnant, but i know why greg wants us there and his reasons make sense, and i have to go if i want to be with him, which i DO... so, i wish people would just be happy for me and not criticize my life & my decisions. 
anyway, i think i may puke unless i eat so i'm gonna hop off the library computer and let someone else hack away at this shittily-moving pc.  my mac needs help, so i am chillin at the library & feeling gross thinking of how many other fingers have touched these keys.  ew. 
just wanted to post an update, cause my life is so damn awesomely edge-of-your-seat entertaining.
ps:  for all you movie goers, i dont know if it's cause i'm preggo, but "knocked up" sucks.  the plotline was all over the place, it had a lot of dumb irrelevent scenes, and i wish i had saved my money to see "1408" even though scary movies give me mad nightmares.  the pink eye stuff was just gross.  the stoners were over-exaggerated; i am glad i dont know anyone like them.  and wow, she only puked twice and didn't crave anything weird and looked gorgeous working at e! the whole time.  what a load of crap. 
ok, now i really might puke..

damn. greg is never waking up.

Name 7 things in your bag:

1. wallet
2. melted crayon
3. journal
4. pills
5. pen
6. lancets
7. receipts

Name 6 things you do when you're really stressed:
(not all apply during pregnancy)
1. cut off all my hair
2. smoke
3. shut down
4. drink
5. get nauseous
6. take a pill

Name 5 favorite fruits:

1. orange
2. watermelon
3. banana
4. strawberry
5. lime

Name 4 names you go by:

1. nicole
2. nic
3. mom
4. coley

Name 3 things you are wearing right now:

1. nose ring
2. velour pants
3. gregs shirt


What are you thinking about right now?
why the crud greg wont wake up

Where is your phone?
in my car

Where do you sleep?
couch, maya's bed, my bed.... right now, here.

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
greg's friend got it for him in jackson

Where did you get the pants/skirt/shorts you're wearing?
old navy

What was the last thing you ate?
brownie, last nite

What kind of cell phone service do you have?
cricket

What is the closest item near you that is blue?
blanket

What is the last movie you watched?
dunno.. watched the sopranos last nite

When did you last feel a tree with your bare hands?
yesterday in steve's front yard

The Strange Eleven - Eleven odd facts about yourself:

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
two days ago

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
sleeping

3. Do you know the words to the song on your My Space page?
some of em. i heard the guy on house & loved it

4. How many different beverages have you drank today?
just a few gulps o water

5. What's one thing you wish to change about yourself?
lose some weight

6. What do you wish for?
sane family, lotsa money

7. When was the last time you got really hurt?
two summers ago

8. Any plans for Friday night?
no

9. Something you are excited about?
getting my ass to ky

10. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
not vegetarian- dont eat it

11. Describe your key chains?
keys and wyoming keychain & car bleepy locking thing

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Do you know anyone in prison?
nope

2. Have you ever logged onto a bf/gf/crush's MySpace page?
with permission

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
few days ago

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?
dont think so

6. Name someone you miss:
amy

7. Are you named after a grandparent?
yeah

9. Would you rather be a girl or a guy?
i like being a girl i guess

10. Who is the most spoiled person you know?
um..

11. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?
love

12. Have you ever had sex in church?
naw

13. Are you gay?
no

14. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older?
older

15. What's your favorite junk food?
too many to name...lol

16. Do you have a porn collection?
nope

17. Is your birthday on a holiday?
inauguration day, but i dont think its a holiday

18. Are you old enough to vote?
duh

19. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?
no

20. Are you a vegetarian?
yep

21. Do you worry about global warming?
i do what i can, and worry when it crosses my mind.

22. Do you like Polar BEARS?
i've never met one.

23. What song do you want played at your funeral?
how bout i dont wanna die so lets not think bout it

24. Did you lose your virginity to your neighbor?
nope

25. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?
when i was a child

26. Do you wear your boyfriend/girlfriends clothes?
all the time

27. Are you taller than 5'6"?
i'm like 5'2" & 1/2

need ta tweeze my brows

every once in a while, i have an "alf" memory from an episonde where someone is saying something about having their toilet in their shower in their rv, and alf goes "so do we!" and everyone looks at him all funny & he's like "oh, like youve never done it". it was funny cuz it's true. dare you to tell me you've never peed in your shower.


Current mood: sickish

Current music: i'm about to turn on mazzy star or azure ray, not sure

Current taste: water & toothpaste

Current hair: wet & cold

Current clothes: greg's shirt & velour lime green pants (yeah, i roll like dat)

Current annoyance: cigarette smoke

Current smell: the wift of dank from upstairs

Current thing I should be doing: i should have gone to work today. i may have lost my job...

Current windows open: not in here

Current desktop picture: tetons

Current favorite band: the shins (but i dont like their new cd :( )

Current book: just my journal really

Current cd in stereo: morphine

Current crush: greggie poo

Current favorite celeb: uh, er... i dunno

[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?: quit tonite, even though greg didnt

Do drugs?: yeah i smoke my preggo ass some crack rocks every day...

Have a dream that keeps coming back?: keep dreamin bout babies.

Remember your first love?: lol yeah. funny now.

Still love him/her?: not at all. but i do love his mom. he's in his second marriage (yay chris)

Read the newspaper?: jobs & classifieds

Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yes

Believe in miracles?:i dunno

Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yep

Consider yourself tolerant of others?:not all others

Consider love a mistake?: risky business, but never a mistake

Like the taste of alcohol?: omfg i would kill for it, but not my baby, so i will have ta wait...

Have a favorite candy?: actually, no

Believe in astrology?: to a degree

Believe in magic?: haha no

Believe in god?: i dont think whatever it is if there is anything is nameable

Have any pets: beta named dinner

Go to or plan to go to college: yes

Have any piercings?:6

Have any tattoos?: 9

Hate yourself: nope

Have an obsession?: not really

Have a secret crush?: i don't make it secret

Have a best friend?: more than one

Wish on stars?: not anymore

[ LOVE LIFE ]
Ever been in love?: am now
Do you believe in love at first sight?: it's lust
Do you believe in "the one?": i think there are many possibilities, you decide on your one
Describe your ideal significant other: greg

[ETC]
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?:dont think so
Have you ever been intoxicated?: wee tad
Have you ever been caught "doing something?": yes...
Are you a tease?: that's stupid
Shy to make the first move?: nope

[ APPEARANCE ]
you know what i look like.

[ LAST THING.. ]
Bought: dr p
Ate & Drank: dr p & at greg's mom's
Read: this
Watched on TV: dog the bounty hunter

[ EITHER OR.. ]
beer or cider: bitch beer
drinks or shots: either...depending
cats or dogs: cats
single or taken: taken ha
pen or pencil: pen
gloves or mittens: mittengloves
food or candy: food
cassette or cd: cd
coke or pepsi: dr p

shitty day

tomorrow my sched says 8pm-5am. i am assuming this is incorrect. there's no one else sched. in the garden center at those times and i cannot imagine being out there all alone all night. i'm sure my mgr was mistaken. i think he got the am & pm mixed up. i hope.

greggypoo is east of st. louis, just in case anyone needed an update on his travels. my sugar britches is truckin it and determined to get to where he's going. sunday afternoon when i get off work i am going to lexington to see him and take off his clothes and luv on him. also i need to check out this lexington place, as i am going to end up moving there... i absolutely cannot wait to hold his hand and feel his sweet kisses and be scooped up in his big ol hugz. i know his trip's been so long and tiring. it has a csny song streaming in my head which i cannot get out..

"You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.
Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.
And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.
Teach your parents well,
Their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you."

i'm sure he's got so much going on in his mind with all of those roads he's been going down alone. i love him so much. i wonder what's on his mind.

in other news:
i havent had my stupid antidepressent in two days and it's been messin with my head bad. i feel weird. got it tonite, but it's been affecting my brain. i havent been diggin it.

being as smally pregnant as i am, i am sure chunkin up. greg's baby likes food as much as he does. especially milkshakes. i ate two hard boiled eggs last nite and saltines with cheddar cheese on them. my food intake has gotten crazy. but, i am not showin from baby inside. it's all junk in the tummy & trunk. niiiice. i hadnt had a milkshake in years. in the past week or two i've had 3. frick!

my granny noticed my tubbiness and asked if i was preggers and i said yes and i have been catchin hell for it all effin day. i've been called stupid, an idiot, and dumb. dumb was the last insult & in my frustration and haste i screamed back "youre dumb!" feel guilty as hell for that one. but SHIT how mean can an old woman be? pretty fuckin mean, folks. still i need to apologize. but she was telling me how she cannot believe i 'got in trouble' and was asking me when i am getting married. ugh. i dont know, man. i don't know. i'm stressin it.

this isnt even everything. i dont know. i need to go to bed. i love my daughter, boyfriend, baby, and whoever may have made it through this whole blog. also, if i have to spit through this whole pregnancy i will cry, cry cry.

greg & amy

1) Who is he ?
Gregory Ray Scarberry

2) Do You Trust him?
Yes with my heart and my little girl, and to a great father to his baby... which i happen to be carrying.

3) When was the last time you talked to him?
bout an hour ago

4) Does he have a girlfriend?
that would be me.

5) Is he one of your friends?
that's the dumbest question. is the author of this smokin crack?

6) Where does he live?
currently at the moment without residence. but he will be staying with a friend in kentucky until we have enough money for a place.

7) Is he older than you?
he's 31; i'm 26. i love it when he calls me young lady

8) Would you do anything for him?
I'm havin his kid. What else can i do besides love him for the rest of his life & be sooo good to him?

9) Do you have a nickname for him?
i do, a few. my fave is papabear. he's my sweet huggy papabear.

10) How long have you known him?
Couplea lifetimes I spose.

11) Do you think he will repost this?
hell no. he aint down wit da myspace bloggin shite.

--------HER---------
1) Who is she?
old old old old friend

2) Do you trust her?
Yes

3) When's the last time you talked to her?
a while ago; she calls but i suck at phone convos. i should hit her up

4) Does she have a boyfriend?
i believe that's an iffy subject right now.

5) Is she one of your friends?
Again, with the stupid fuckin questions..

6) Where does she live?
back home for the moment, marysville washington

7) Is she older than you?
i think we're the same age.

8) Are you related to her?
nope

9) Would you do anything for her?
why of course... dont get any crazy ideas amy

10) Do you have a nickname for her?
lol no

11) How long have you known her?
since 5th or 6th grade.

12) Do you think she will repost this?
probrobly so... cant help it.

Old Myspace Survey

1. Who's #1 on your top 8?
my man

2. What is your favorite possession?
uh... my box full of my journals & maya's box too. & my pictures

3. Do you own a gun?
i think i got my daughter & her friend water guns recently. like you would want me to have a real gun, nigga plz

4. If you could tell your last X something what would you say?
hmm. i am not sure.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
why?

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
i think they're better when they're veggie hot dogs. better yet, corndogs. made out of tvp, it's still random shit and better for you

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
ohh... i guess the alvin & the chipmunks one w/ wanting the hulahoop. it's the first one that came to mind.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
dr pepper

9. Can you do push ups?
lol doubt it

10. Is your bathroom clean?
uh.. not super dirty!

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
um. i had a cool leather bracelet. now i dont. that was my fave.

12. Do you take painkillers?
only to kill pain. especially not while i'm preggers.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
damn sure not my looks. must be my amazing ass charisma.

14. Do you have A.D.D.? [Attention Deficit Disorder]
i think everyone does and it's not a disorder.

15.Whats your name?
if you're readin this and dont know my name, i will be sad.

16. Middle Name?
nicole

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment
1. g is in kansas
2. i need to get laid
3. court tv is annoying

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today?
ciggies, lighter, tellini's

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
1 water
2. dr pepper
3. apparently very recently, milkshakes

22. Current worry?
money and being effin preggo while my boyf is moving to ky and not HERE. jesus.

23. Current hate?
aint no time to hate

24. Favorite place to be?
carefree state of mind

25. How did you bring in the New Year?
i dont remember. were you there?

26. Where would you like to go?
i would like to be with g right now

27. Do you own slippers?
uh... i think i have some somewhere. they're blue, but where are they?

28. What shirt are you wearing?
trey's polo tshirt

30. Favorite color(s)?
uh, right at this second, sage green

31. Would you be a pirate?
i am a pirate

32. Are you gay?
no, i'm tired

33. Do you sing in the shower?
my showers dont even last long enough for singin. i'm too preoccupied with gettin clean and out

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
the things in the shadows.

35. What's in your pockets right now?
i dont have on pants with pockets

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
strawberry shortcake ones at granny's

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
uh... prolly those third degree burns from closing the boullion station at the melting pot. i shoulda fuckin sued.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
traci, when she's pissed. her opinions get very heard.

42. Who is your most silent friend?
tully. if he's still my friend.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
everyone loves this nic

44. Do u wish on shooting stars?
of course.

45. What is your favorite book?
a tree grows in brooklyn was the first thing that came to mind, then princess bride

46. What is your favorite candy?
omfg those choc covered dinstuhls strawberries, or godiva or whatever they have in the mall. i havent had those since j bought some for t for valentine's. that was ages ago.

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
i really havent thought about it. not the trad. wedding songs though.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
do you realize by the flaming lips

49. What were you doing @ 12 AM last night?
talking to g.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
dammit i never sleep in anymore.

Dawn's Fault

Most people can't live without their cell phone ... so here's a survey about it.


Did you grab it? lol. it's in my lap.

1. What color?
black

2. Who's the first person who comes up under the letter M?
melanie

3. Who's the last person you called?
greg

4. Who was your last missed call from?
parents

5.Who is the second person that comes up under A?
a helton, this diabetes nutritionist

6. Who's speed dial 2?
fuck if i know

7. Who's the 3rd person who comes up under J?
jeptha

8. Who was your last received call from?
g-thang

9. Who's speed dial number 4?
i dont use that

10. What is your background?
a leaf. and the time and date and some little ditty that says "live fully"

11. How many text messages are currently in your inbox?
20- i emptied it a couplea hrs ago.

12. Who's speed dial #1?
dude!! how do you work that?

13. What's the 5th message say in your inbox?
at work?

14. Who is the 3rd person that comes up under B?
bill hannah towing

15. Who was your last text message from?
kimi

16. Name every person you have text messages from in your inbox:
jon, lauren, kimi&ali, g-thang, traci

17. Most called?
g-thang greggie poo.

18. Who is the ninth person on your missed call?
lauren

19. What does the 6th message in your outbox say?
it's personal.

20. Who is the first name in your phonebook?
aaron

21. Who is the last name in your phonebook?
zach shoe- although i never call him.

22. Do you have a camera phone?
nah, i did but when i had to get a new one, i gave up

23. Who is the last person under G?
G-thang baby. my sugar and baby daddy. ah my one n only.

24. What does your first text message in your inbox say?
workin hard or hardly workin haha

25. Who is the third person under K?
kimi&ali

that's it? i wanna do more.

so many days.. so many days

my sweetie pie left jackson hole just a bit ago. he's on his way to kentucky. i am tryin to be patient as i wait for the cornbread and white beans to be done, so i can have a healthy-ish bite before i go to work. this pregnancy is going to make my ass huger than it has ever been. teensy baby demands chocolate, and lots of it, and i am not even big on chocolate. milkshakes... mmm. i have been cravin milkshakes and pb&j sandwiches.

work is such an odd place. now that i'm a perma-employee, i am not supposed to transfer for 6 whole months. that's a long time. i don't know if i can wait that long to leave memphris. there is so much hilarity in the corporate world; it's crazy. with so many employees in one store, it never gets dull.

today i am benadryl-ed up and i feel really weird and i have to go to work and that's really uncool. but as much as i would love to sleep, i cannot do it. i gotta keep movin. slowly but surely, just the way greg is driving across these u. states.

***yawn***

my sexy man

i am havin the baby of a wonderful man. i am so lovin him. he's leaving the j hole tomorrow to come to kentucky. although there are many reasons why i dont particularly want to go there, there is a HUGE reason i should: he really believes it is what's best for maya and the two of us.

this decision is being met with huge disapproval from every direction. my parents, particularly my mother, are wiggin out. bad. i mean, they may try to start up another custody fight, and i am NOT down for that. i cannot take that. but i cannot let them bully me into staying in memphis either.

i will be leaving my entire family. my friends. the people who love my daughter and have since the day she was born. all to be with greg, to take a chance, to start a life. i'm doing it voluntarily. i have to be positive that it's what's best for maya... that greg is going to be in it with me for the long haul. like... rest of my life long.

in other news... the season finale of "house" is on tonite. i love this show. i have become addicted.
oh, and i did a survey recently where i said i thought i would rock on "road rules" and i thought maybe i would be good on "trading spouses"... if i was married. i guess my life is a bit too tumultuous for me to be on there anyway. whatever.

i have not been feeling very well today. i feel spitty and gross. i have eaten almost an entire square package of saltines. one of em, not all four in the box. that would be an obscene amount of crackers. for some reason i have only felt like eating shitty stuff. i had a baked potato for lunch. i had fries for dinner. i just ate some mozzarella sticks. now i just want some freakin veggies or something.

i really need to get naked with my man. i mean.. this is gettin insane. ahhh! AAARUGH!!!

i quit smoking again today.

i also filed for lost title of my truck. wonder how long this is going to take?

duuuude!!! "hells kictchen" is returning! for some reason i really dug that show. you can tell i'm doing more than one thing right now eh? oh well.

who writes these and why do i care about answering them?

1. Do you prefer to be called sexy or beautiful?
i dunno. if its some perv, not sexy

2. What is your favorite nickname someone has made for you?
cole

3. If you get a custom made license plate, what would you want it to say?
lol. i dunno. i saw one at a rainbow gathering once that said "luvinu"! nice.

4. Do you prefer reading out loud or in your head?
in my head, although i am great at reading aloud

5. When your parents fight how nasty does it get?
jesus. it's wretched.

6. When's the last time you ate a chocolate chip muffin?
damn that sounds good.

7. What was your dream job when you were a child? Is it still the same?
farmer. i would like to do it, but not like i used to picture it... now i want to have my own land and work it. i'm such an effin hippie.

8. It's all about the third sequels these days. Which one are you most interested in?
shrek the third.

9. How often do you get your hair cut?
hardly ever, but then i recently hacked it all off.

10. How much are you willing to pay for a pair of jeans?
um, 20 bucks or so. if it was someone else's money, more. i usually get kicked down jeans. in fact, the only pair i have were my cousin's.

13. Do you believe life exists on other planets?
i don't disbelieve it.

14. If you won a million dollars, what would you do first?
oh man... so many things. pay off all my debt, woohoo! then start hookin it up! wow... just thinkin about it too much is makin me kinda super excited, so i'm stopping.

15. Which reality TV show could you picture yourself being on?
haha! um... ROAD RULES! i was made for that show ma'an!

18. What does love mean to you?
finding your soul's counterpart in another, in terms of a relationship. i think there can be more than one great match though, which trickifies things up. in terms of loving others, it means putting their happiness before yours. what sucks is when it happens to be that lots of the people you love have conflicting ideas of happiness.

19. How old were you when you found out Santa Claus wasn't real?
no idea.

21. What do you do to cure your hiccups?
um...usually try holding my breath or drinking water.. but i dont bother if it's not long-lasting...

22. Do you get distracted easily?
depends. like right now, it's time for "house" and i am going to stare at it.

23. What was your favorite backstreet boy when you were younger?
i didn't like them, ever.

24. Have you ever been stung by a jellyfish?
no. my sis was though. so was my cousin jojo. not on the same day. heard if you pee on a jellyfish sting it helps.

25. What food do you hate?
all things meat

26. When you procrastinate what do you usually do?
this and more this.

28. Is the weather nice outside?
it needs to fuckin RAIN!!!!

29. Where is your sister right now?
in wyoming.

30. If your life was a movie, what would the genre be?
superdrama.

31. Do you smoke at least one cigarette a day?
no

32. Are you any good at singing?
i dont think so, no. i love greg's voice though. love it when i catch him singin. i like to sing too, but i think i'm pretty tone deaf. teehee. so what? not like dylan has the greatest voice. love HIM...

34. Have you ever failed a grade?
no.

35. What's the weirdest thing you've seen in the past week?
a giant hershey kiss mobile driving down the street.

36. Do you know anybody who has committed suicide?
yes

39. Do you have x in your screenname?
nope

watchin law & order

1. What do you say most when you're trying not to curse?
:: sweet niblets! crapit! frick!

2. Do You Own An Ipod?
:: yes

3. What Person On Your Top 8 on Myspace Do You Talk To The Most?
:: amy, online...

4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
:: diff times diff days

5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
:: i am in love

6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
:: sometimes, with toe socks

7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
:: whichever

8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
:: uh... i dunno

9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
:: yes

10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
:: yeah

11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
:: yep

12. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
:: chocolate, sometimes

13. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
:: uh... i dont think so

14. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
:: a few weeks ago

15. Can You Whistle?
:: yep, but only inhaling

16. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
:: no

17. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
:: prolly at work

19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?
:: yes. yes i did. do i still? yes. yes i do.

20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
:: lots of em.

23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
:: gratefuldead ones

24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
:: newmans own lowfat rasp walnut vinaigrette

25. Is anyone in love with you?
:: yes

26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
:: yeah, by putting them in the diswsasher

27. Ever Cry In Public?
:: uh huh, when emotion comes it spills out

30. Do you think you could ever be in love?
:: i am

31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
:: not covered like the guys that go on maury that are like lizard men. but i am luvin my man and his sexy tats. junkman is not something i want him to get though.

32. What Did You Do Before This?
:: ate some cheesesticks. word of advice: tgi friday's home oven chzsticks aren't so very good

33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
:: uh... i'm not sure.

34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
:: 7-9

35. Do you eat breakfast daily?
:: not really. nothing you would consider breakfast.

36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
:: christsakes yes.

37. What are you doing right now?
:: typing this, listening to law & order

38. Do you use sarcasm?
:: i'm afraid so much that it comes out as my natural tone

40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
:: it makes me insane

41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
:: nope

41. Have you ever got beaten up?
:: no. that'd be terrible.

42. Do you like Rain or Sun?
:: it depends. they both have great points.

43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
:: both

44. Do you like mustard?
:: yes. wow, that was random

45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?
:: i flop around

46. Do You Watch The news?
:: not particularly

47. How Did You Get One Of Your Scars?
:: swimming in pickwick late barefoot, i cut two toes with glass

48. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
:: doesnt matter

49. Do you like anyone?
:: i like lots of people

50.Whats the last thing you purchased?
:: uh... nightgowns for maya, then wendy's

30

30 unknown facts about myself:

1. Who ended your last relationship?
it went to shit. i think we both did.

2. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
i dunno

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
layin in bed thinking of greg. i had a dream about our baby.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
i was at walgreens

5. Are you any good at math?
algebra

6. What were you doing last night?
working.. then i went out with maya

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
nope

8. Have you ever burped in front of the opposite sex?
well yea

9. Do you know the words to your myspace song?
yes

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
water, dr pepper

12. What's one thing you wish to change about yourself?
my inability to say the right thing. ever.

13. What do you wish for?
i wish for a happy life with greg in lexington & for us to have a great family.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
yep

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
braces

16. What is outside your back door?
maya and some little girls playing.

17. Any plans for Friday night?
nope

18. Plans for tomorrow?
lots of errands.

19. Do you have a secret crush?
no

20. Do you keep in touch with your ex's?
only cause I have to

21. Do you dislike anyone right now?
yes

22. Something you are excited about?
seeing my sexy ass boyf... if he still is my man, i dunno.. i've not heard from him in 2 days.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
dont eat it

24. Are any of your great-grandparents alive?
no

25. Describe your key chain?
it has a yellow wyoming thing on it to remind me where i left my heart. and the remote to my car.

27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group?
i dunno.

28. What kind of jacket do you have on?
red baller jacket.

29. Do you have any nicknames?
nic, cole

30. Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue?
nope.

I'm a Freakin Loser

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
it's something about natural herbal medicine.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can...what do u find?
my granny.

3. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
zach & cody, my grandmother.

4. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
my phone... lookin to see if greg called or wrote, for like the 1000th time

5. Did you dream last night?
yes. i dont remember what though.

6. When did you last laugh?
at maya about something i am sure.

7. Seen anything weird lately?
a hershey kiss mobile, and a metlife blimp

8. What is the last film you saw?
uh, i tried watchin anchorman the other night but passed out.

9. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you do with it?
oh, wow... a lot of good things.

10. Tell me something about you that I don't know:
i suck at love

11. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics what would it be?
the way we're messing up the environment

12. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?
dude, if you have to be like those followers of yours to get in there, i aint goin. but i'm not down with hell either. what else you got? reincarnation?

13. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was your first thought?
i still look like shit.

14. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
i love you

15. What were you doing at midnight last night?
crying

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
sorry

17. Last furry thing you touched?
my i am loved teddy bear

18. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
only the ones i was prescribed

26. Do you like someone?
i'm desperately in love and always fuckin it up, so yeah.. but i don't know if he likes me any more.

27. The last song you listened to?
hide and seek by imogen heap. then i put it on my profile.

28. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you jump in front of the bullet? my granny is 86. i dont know why anyone would shoot her.

29. If you could punch one person in the face who's in your life right now, who would it be? there is no one i want to punch.

30. IF YOU COULD BE DOING ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
greg. if he would let me..

Brand New Changes

I am back on myspace after deleting my account. There's a bunch of things going on right now. I have fucked up and almost lost the best man I have ever been with. Now, the only way he believes it will work is if he goes to Kentucky. He doesn't feel comfortable coming to Memphis and never has... now there is absolutely no way. He's not going to come here, so way, no how. His mind is made up. So I have to either stay here and be alone, or I can work out some way to uproot my life and move to Kentucky. I don't have a choice anymore. If I don't go to KY, I am going to lose him. We don't have to stay there forever, but it's what he needs. It's the option I get. So... that is what I am going to do.

This is going to be a difficult transition, where Maya's concerned. I cannot just zip her out there like it's nothing. She doesn't know anyone there. I guess we're going to get a place, and bring her out to it, and come back and forth to Memphis over the summer.

Every thing is going to be alright, but I have to admit I am scared shitless. Am I remotely happy about moving? No. Am I glad I didn't lose Greg? Yes. But I am so miserable and afraid. Anything for love. Motto. Anything for love.

Blogthing

hahaha, this is funny... considering i once saw a long line of chicks at bonnaroo for portapotties, while guys peed on the fence.. what did i do? being the commando-style mama i am, i pulled up my skirt w/o being scandalous and peed on the fence too. ruined my rope sandals.


In what alternate dimension would nic be most comfortable?

QuizGalaxy.com

In a dimension where...

Men have to wait in line to go to the bathroom

'In what alternate dimension would you be most comfortable?'
at
QuizGalaxy.com



...seriously. i had to throw them away immediately & went through the rest of the fest with no shoes.