I cannot take it anymore. My mom is so sick, in so much pain all the time, that I wonder if it was the right choice to come back to TN. If I had just stayed in KY, maybe life would have gotten better. If I go now to Florida, maybe life would get better. But I don't see it getting better here, even on my most optimistic days. I'm surrounded by hopelessness.
When I moved back into my parents' home, it was only 'to get back on my feet, and get back to Kentucky'. Well, my parents' home is now my deceased grandmother's home, and it's a mess. There's remnants of my childhood home everywhere, boxes upon boxes of things all over the place, and the room where I sleep is my grandmother's old room. It still has her furniture in it, her letters and bills in it, and her clothes are still in her closet. She's been gone for three years.
My mother has taken up permanent residence on the sofa in the living room. It's not a pretty sight. She's so ill all the time. I spent so much of my tax return trying to help her that I needed to spend on my daughter. My girl needs her braces worked on. She needs new glasses. I shouldn't have spent so much trying to catch up insurmountable medical bills on my mother; it hasn't helped her. $2000 later, she still has a tear in her intestinal tract, she still has an infected hole where a rotten tooth used to be in her mouth... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared.
I'm also broke. I got a job, but it's super part time. I'm only scheduled for 10 hours this week and next, and at $8.25/hr, that doesn't amount to much. How depressing. I am behind on everything. My storage unit in Kentucky is on the brink of re-possession. My car insurance is about to expire. I don't know what to do. I so don't know what to do.
My best two girlfriends here ended up being totally lame. Two girls I've known forever, I completely despise now. I don't want to be like those girls. I cannot stand the thought of either one of those girls. I wish I could have realized that they were people I didn't want to be like a long time ago. I made poor decisions in my choice of friends, and I am ashamed of that. I just don't know anymore what the right choice would even be, which is just as scary.
I'm just super lost and I don't know what to do. I'm so very anxious, it's like a pit in my stomach... a hard knot. It makes me want to throw up. I just need to know what to do. And I don't want the advice from any of the people I'm at odds with. Why is it so hard to make it through one day without feeling such despair??
30 May 2011
25 May 2011
so tonight that i might drink...
i really need to get these folks some patio furniture. sitting on some concrete with two of the best ladies i know, drinking cherry vodka and coca~cola. i totally almost went and saw my ex tonight... "the ex". why did i do something this silly when i know better?? because i love him. yep. i put it out there on the internet for the whole wide world to read. can you judge me? sure you can, but i really don't want to hear your judgements, because i'm sure every single one of you have your own personal kryptonite.
the ex, henceforth referred to as simply x, was possibly the love of my life. only a week and a month ago we totally ravaged each other. why was this a bad idea? hmm. several reasons, i suppose. but we went to freakin town, man.
i have a job interview very soon, at the place i was working when i first laid eyes on x. every time i have gone into that place, i couldn't help but look across the hallway to the store across the way, where i laid eyes on him. that cloud hat, that light blue hat with the clouds on it... i wondered why???
so i asked him. his eyes matched the fabric of the color representing the sky. the clouds had little sparkles in it. i told him i liked his hat; he told me that he had his head in the clouds. that's still how i think of him, as a boy with his head in the clouds. i spent lots of hours in that hat after that day. i miss that hat. i miss him.
the first time i kissed him it was magic. the last time i kissed him, it was the same. every glance, every gaze, every fight... they're all in those beautiful blue eyes. to think i used to take those hugs for granted. to think i ever did anything bad to him is reprehensible. people who don't feel honest regret, who think that everything happened to make you who you are today and all that mess, those people have had some shallow experiences or are fooling themselves into not dealing with remorse.
godDAMN i have remorse. if- that hugest word in the english language surmised in two tiny letters. if i had only done this, if i had only done that... if i hadn't been a selfish bitchy ho-bag so many times... if i'd listened to him without judgement or jealousy, if if if if if...
i should have married him. i should have done things right anf not made a clusterfuck of our existence as a couple...
why do i torture myself?
because even though he lives with another girl who has some sort of non-marital ring on her left ring finger, denoting some sort of pseudo-commitment... even though we have burned all of our bridges and made ropes to swing across anyway... even though it's almost seeming ill-fated (ah, the classic romeo/juliet bullshit...)..
none of it matters. i go when he calls if i am able to go. i've crossed states to have a moment if he came to me now, asked me to marry him and to try to make it against all odds, hand-in-hand... would i do it?
i would do it in a nanosecond. we would face the biggest shitstorm ever. i don't even care. we would work through it as grown up ass people (b/c after all, doesn't that sound so grown up??). it doesn't matter what people think, or who bets against us, if he was serious, and he looked at me with those eyes - those endless blue eyes where the ocean meets the sky and eternity and mirrors my soul - and he wanted to marry me, flawed, f**ked up me, this is what i would say...
i would say "of course".
and not only would i marry him, i would love him the way i was never able to love him before. so many people think monogamy is a useless idea... not i, not anymore. i've experienced enough to know that for the rest of my life, the only person i want to experience that kind of bliss with ever again is this man. would there be temptation to stray? maybe, bring it on! i would not even need to resist, b/c i'm in love and i always will be.
for the rest of my life, to the truest meaning of the words, i would cherish him. i want to grow old with him, i want to hold his hand and be his other half, i want to fulfill the role that i was created to play.
x, i love you more than i have ever loved anyone. i love you, and i always will. if you love something set it free? you're free, i'm free, come back to me where you belong... and i promise, even though it will be hard, even though there will be trials, i will remain faithfully yours.
i already am.
the ex, henceforth referred to as simply x, was possibly the love of my life. only a week and a month ago we totally ravaged each other. why was this a bad idea? hmm. several reasons, i suppose. but we went to freakin town, man.
i have a job interview very soon, at the place i was working when i first laid eyes on x. every time i have gone into that place, i couldn't help but look across the hallway to the store across the way, where i laid eyes on him. that cloud hat, that light blue hat with the clouds on it... i wondered why???
so i asked him. his eyes matched the fabric of the color representing the sky. the clouds had little sparkles in it. i told him i liked his hat; he told me that he had his head in the clouds. that's still how i think of him, as a boy with his head in the clouds. i spent lots of hours in that hat after that day. i miss that hat. i miss him.
the first time i kissed him it was magic. the last time i kissed him, it was the same. every glance, every gaze, every fight... they're all in those beautiful blue eyes. to think i used to take those hugs for granted. to think i ever did anything bad to him is reprehensible. people who don't feel honest regret, who think that everything happened to make you who you are today and all that mess, those people have had some shallow experiences or are fooling themselves into not dealing with remorse.
godDAMN i have remorse. if- that hugest word in the english language surmised in two tiny letters. if i had only done this, if i had only done that... if i hadn't been a selfish bitchy ho-bag so many times... if i'd listened to him without judgement or jealousy, if if if if if...
i should have married him. i should have done things right anf not made a clusterfuck of our existence as a couple...
why do i torture myself?
because even though he lives with another girl who has some sort of non-marital ring on her left ring finger, denoting some sort of pseudo-commitment... even though we have burned all of our bridges and made ropes to swing across anyway... even though it's almost seeming ill-fated (ah, the classic romeo/juliet bullshit...)..
none of it matters. i go when he calls if i am able to go. i've crossed states to have a moment if he came to me now, asked me to marry him and to try to make it against all odds, hand-in-hand... would i do it?
i would do it in a nanosecond. we would face the biggest shitstorm ever. i don't even care. we would work through it as grown up ass people (b/c after all, doesn't that sound so grown up??). it doesn't matter what people think, or who bets against us, if he was serious, and he looked at me with those eyes - those endless blue eyes where the ocean meets the sky and eternity and mirrors my soul - and he wanted to marry me, flawed, f**ked up me, this is what i would say...
i would say "of course".
and not only would i marry him, i would love him the way i was never able to love him before. so many people think monogamy is a useless idea... not i, not anymore. i've experienced enough to know that for the rest of my life, the only person i want to experience that kind of bliss with ever again is this man. would there be temptation to stray? maybe, bring it on! i would not even need to resist, b/c i'm in love and i always will be.
for the rest of my life, to the truest meaning of the words, i would cherish him. i want to grow old with him, i want to hold his hand and be his other half, i want to fulfill the role that i was created to play.
x, i love you more than i have ever loved anyone. i love you, and i always will. if you love something set it free? you're free, i'm free, come back to me where you belong... and i promise, even though it will be hard, even though there will be trials, i will remain faithfully yours.
i already am.
24 May 2011
The Effect of Global Warming with Regards to Deforestation
Global warming is a serious issue. In-arguably, more people need to be made aware of how seriously it’s affecting us; it needs to become common knowledge and not something people have to go out of their way to research. Some companies and professionals people claim that global warming isn’t an issue humanity needs to be concerned about, but it is happening. Research from worldwide natural scientific research proves that not only is global warming an issue that is becoming more prevalent; it is in fact a serious and dangerous problem. There are many reasons attributed to climate change, including vastly unmonitored pollution and consumption of natural resources and fossil fuels. Rainforests in the tropics take in massive amounts of carbon, and release large amounts of clean, breathable oxygen. It is not common knowledge that the destruction of a single tropical forest (such as those in places like Indonesia and Brazil) can immediately emit as much carbon as emissions of carbon released over a five year period from plants powered by fossil fuels worldwide; in fact, 20% of the overall carbon emissions come from the destruction of the rainforests on the planet.
This issue does have many roots in morality. Regardless of scientific implications, the destruction of tropical rainforests makes millions of dollars for the people doing the damage. Money is a very serious motive and the long-term devastating effects are not reason enough for the profiteers to care enough about the ramifications of their actions. Their desire for wealth is bred by greed, and they don’t look into the bleak future they are creating with their financial gain. It is disappointing that these wealth-mongers control the decisions that they do, because they are obviously selfish and superficial and have no regard for future generations.
A good way to raise awareness to this issue individually would be through some form of social networking. Writing a post and informing friends about how the effects of rainforest destruction, as well as promoting ideas about ways to conserve and recycle paper would be a terrific way to get the word out. It would also be a great idea to contact local businesses, explain the benefits of using recycled paper products for office use, restroom towel use, etc. There are several good ideas on the Greenpeace website about effective ways of doing this, and one could refer businesses and peers to this site. At local festivals or Earth Day events, one could set up a booth to educate people. Also, fliers (made of recycled paper) could be put up in local coffee shops, libraries, etc., where the general public would have access to this information. If you have children, you can find instructions on the internet on how to make paper out of newspaper pulp, engaging curiosity and reinforcing the idea of conservation. One small action can affect many others; persistence is the key to spreading information.
This is a tremendously important issue and will absolutely take more than one person to solve. It is a good idea to find out who is responsible for the destruction, explain to others what is going on and ask if they are aware of the implications of the destruction of the rainforests. Affirmative actions could include the writing of online petitions and collect electronic signatures, email government representatives, teachers, and business owners. Raising consciousness to the matter and explaining the importance of the situation is very important. Emphasis on thinking on a global level and acting on a local level is key. I urge the readers of this blog to take what was written to heart and to please take one small step to begin slowing the damaging threat of carbon emissions.
Source:
N.A. (N.D.). The Climate Threat From Deforestation. Retrieved May 22, 2011 from greenpeace.org.
http://www.greenpeace.org/usa/en/campaigns/forests/forests-for-climate
This issue does have many roots in morality. Regardless of scientific implications, the destruction of tropical rainforests makes millions of dollars for the people doing the damage. Money is a very serious motive and the long-term devastating effects are not reason enough for the profiteers to care enough about the ramifications of their actions. Their desire for wealth is bred by greed, and they don’t look into the bleak future they are creating with their financial gain. It is disappointing that these wealth-mongers control the decisions that they do, because they are obviously selfish and superficial and have no regard for future generations.
A good way to raise awareness to this issue individually would be through some form of social networking. Writing a post and informing friends about how the effects of rainforest destruction, as well as promoting ideas about ways to conserve and recycle paper would be a terrific way to get the word out. It would also be a great idea to contact local businesses, explain the benefits of using recycled paper products for office use, restroom towel use, etc. There are several good ideas on the Greenpeace website about effective ways of doing this, and one could refer businesses and peers to this site. At local festivals or Earth Day events, one could set up a booth to educate people. Also, fliers (made of recycled paper) could be put up in local coffee shops, libraries, etc., where the general public would have access to this information. If you have children, you can find instructions on the internet on how to make paper out of newspaper pulp, engaging curiosity and reinforcing the idea of conservation. One small action can affect many others; persistence is the key to spreading information.
This is a tremendously important issue and will absolutely take more than one person to solve. It is a good idea to find out who is responsible for the destruction, explain to others what is going on and ask if they are aware of the implications of the destruction of the rainforests. Affirmative actions could include the writing of online petitions and collect electronic signatures, email government representatives, teachers, and business owners. Raising consciousness to the matter and explaining the importance of the situation is very important. Emphasis on thinking on a global level and acting on a local level is key. I urge the readers of this blog to take what was written to heart and to please take one small step to begin slowing the damaging threat of carbon emissions.
Source:
N.A. (N.D.). The Climate Threat From Deforestation. Retrieved May 22, 2011 from greenpeace.org.
http://www.greenpeace.org/usa/en/campaigns/forests/forests-for-climate
17 May 2011
Maybe this is why I can't stay in Memphis...
Memphis can be a rough place to live. All of the times I have moved away from this city, middle finger waving it goodbye as my car headed in any other direction, I swore I would never come back. Repeatedly.
What am I doing right this minute? Sitting on a porch in Midtown, already feeling the throes of horror that the humidity of the Dirty South will be throwing at me later this spring and in the forthcoming summer, and thinking of the situations and the people in this place that I seem to be a part of.
The more I think about it, the more I focus on my friendships and my familial situation and the guys who have come in to my world, seemingly interested but actually superficial, the more I am thisfuckingclose to getting up, putting whatever shit I can into my Elantra, and telling Memphis and all that goes along with it that it can fuck itself yet again, throw that bird up again, and drive... hoping this time that the Mississippi River actually does overflow and wash away all the shittiness in this town and all the shitty people in it.
What am I doing right this minute? Sitting on a porch in Midtown, already feeling the throes of horror that the humidity of the Dirty South will be throwing at me later this spring and in the forthcoming summer, and thinking of the situations and the people in this place that I seem to be a part of.
The more I think about it, the more I focus on my friendships and my familial situation and the guys who have come in to my world, seemingly interested but actually superficial, the more I am thisfuckingclose to getting up, putting whatever shit I can into my Elantra, and telling Memphis and all that goes along with it that it can fuck itself yet again, throw that bird up again, and drive... hoping this time that the Mississippi River actually does overflow and wash away all the shittiness in this town and all the shitty people in it.
03 May 2011
e.e. cummings
Spring is intoxicating, beautiful and glorious and full of optimism. For some reason, these happy feelings brought e.e. cummings into my mind. I set out looking for a different poem entirely, but when I saw this image, I swiped it.
Further Googling (I'm quite sure this will become it's own verb) showed a hand-written copy of one of his poems by a man named Michael John March. His brother obviously loved him terribly much, set up this memorial page for him. And now, due to a random happenstance of clicking on things, now I am aware of and will remember him, though to me, he may as well be a dream.
Is it ridiculous for me to be such a sentimental, sappy, bleeding heart? Sometimes I feel like a must appear mad to other people, especially people more practical people, who would never give a second thought to the world's loss of someone they will never know.
I suppose I would rather be overcome with feelings as opposed to incapable of feeling them, even if I get hurt because of it. I would rather be hurt by opening myself up to the world, to life, to humanity... than to be lost in a crowd of numbness and indifference.
And so I say to you, whomever you might me, that I love you, and that I would give you a huge hug if you needed it, or my last dollar if you asked. Because after all, can't our life be measured by the amount of kindness we put into the world?
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