i really need to get these folks some patio furniture. sitting on some concrete with two of the best ladies i know, drinking cherry vodka and coca~cola. i totally almost went and saw my ex tonight... "the ex". why did i do something this silly when i know better?? because i love him. yep. i put it out there on the internet for the whole wide world to read. can you judge me? sure you can, but i really don't want to hear your judgements, because i'm sure every single one of you have your own personal kryptonite.
the ex, henceforth referred to as simply x, was possibly the love of my life. only a week and a month ago we totally ravaged each other. why was this a bad idea? hmm. several reasons, i suppose. but we went to freakin town, man.
i have a job interview very soon, at the place i was working when i first laid eyes on x. every time i have gone into that place, i couldn't help but look across the hallway to the store across the way, where i laid eyes on him. that cloud hat, that light blue hat with the clouds on it... i wondered why???
so i asked him. his eyes matched the fabric of the color representing the sky. the clouds had little sparkles in it. i told him i liked his hat; he told me that he had his head in the clouds. that's still how i think of him, as a boy with his head in the clouds. i spent lots of hours in that hat after that day. i miss that hat. i miss him.
the first time i kissed him it was magic. the last time i kissed him, it was the same. every glance, every gaze, every fight... they're all in those beautiful blue eyes. to think i used to take those hugs for granted. to think i ever did anything bad to him is reprehensible. people who don't feel honest regret, who think that everything happened to make you who you are today and all that mess, those people have had some shallow experiences or are fooling themselves into not dealing with remorse.
godDAMN i have remorse. if- that hugest word in the english language surmised in two tiny letters. if i had only done this, if i had only done that... if i hadn't been a selfish bitchy ho-bag so many times... if i'd listened to him without judgement or jealousy, if if if if if...
i should have married him. i should have done things right anf not made a clusterfuck of our existence as a couple...
why do i torture myself?
because even though he lives with another girl who has some sort of non-marital ring on her left ring finger, denoting some sort of pseudo-commitment... even though we have burned all of our bridges and made ropes to swing across anyway... even though it's almost seeming ill-fated (ah, the classic romeo/juliet bullshit...)..
none of it matters. i go when he calls if i am able to go. i've crossed states to have a moment if he came to me now, asked me to marry him and to try to make it against all odds, hand-in-hand... would i do it?
i would do it in a nanosecond. we would face the biggest shitstorm ever. i don't even care. we would work through it as grown up ass people (b/c after all, doesn't that sound so grown up??). it doesn't matter what people think, or who bets against us, if he was serious, and he looked at me with those eyes - those endless blue eyes where the ocean meets the sky and eternity and mirrors my soul - and he wanted to marry me, flawed, f**ked up me, this is what i would say...
i would say "of course".
and not only would i marry him, i would love him the way i was never able to love him before. so many people think monogamy is a useless idea... not i, not anymore. i've experienced enough to know that for the rest of my life, the only person i want to experience that kind of bliss with ever again is this man. would there be temptation to stray? maybe, bring it on! i would not even need to resist, b/c i'm in love and i always will be.
for the rest of my life, to the truest meaning of the words, i would cherish him. i want to grow old with him, i want to hold his hand and be his other half, i want to fulfill the role that i was created to play.
x, i love you more than i have ever loved anyone. i love you, and i always will. if you love something set it free? you're free, i'm free, come back to me where you belong... and i promise, even though it will be hard, even though there will be trials, i will remain faithfully yours.
i already am.
