Throwing Up My Hands

One Long Angry Ramble:

Last night a friend of mine was out and ran into my daughter's sperm donor. It makes me sick to think about this. She showed him her latest pic of Maya and said 'That's what you're missing' & all he did was reply he knew and keep on walkin to buy drinks for a girl and play pool. Hope it was worth his while; I was at home taking care of a beautiful person he took half the part in making but wants nothing to do with. And yet he acts like she's this enigma that he wants in his life more than anything, and I am the evil force keeping him from her. I have asked him if he wants to be a part of his daughter's life. I have asked. I told him it would be up to him to get a lawyer and get his paternity legally reinstated. I gave him the name, address, phone number & email address of the attorney who set it all up for us years ago & told him he could get a copy of his rights waiver. Then I told him once I saw he was serious about being Maya's father and being responsible, we would work out child support and visitation. This is being very civil; he and I did not end on good terms. We both acted a fool repeatedly, mostly me, to be frank (I did things I am ashamed of now that I have matured and things that I would never repeat in any relationship)... but in the end Maya was diagnosed with diabetes and he bailed out of town with my cousin to go live with a skank ho stripper. He came back to Memphis, but not after I'd gone out of town to put the thought of him away and came back with Haden in my belly. He says he will agree to joint custody and nothing less. But he has issues worse than mine. He has done things which were unspeakable. Things that are more than shameful, with people who should have been able to trust him as a brother figure. I cannot give him joint custody until I know he's changed as I have changed and become a better person. The last I saw him was in May when my grandmother died. I feel closure from that visit, knowing that when I left Memphis the symbolism of our love and our relationship was finally as dead as my beautiful Gran. Still this doesn't mean Maya doesn't deserve a dad. She does. She's amazing and wonderful and enchanting. And knowing he lives his life every day, not seeing her, not caring... well, frankly it makes me want to strangle him. Or literally attack him. I have never held such acrimony towards anyone. If he died, I couldn't help but wonder if she'd be better off... if the world would. Better he not exist than she think someday she would have him as a loving father, b/c that won't ever happen, no matter how much I want it for her. So many times over I've made horrid decisions. Now I have so many regrets. Ugh. This makes me tired. Now, as annoying as it is, I sit in my living room listening to Maya play a silly game on the Wii, and that sweet singsong voice, and she is mine & I love her. But... she deserves a father! I'm just so sorry it had to be him.

Forever 27?

   My son will be 1 tomorrow. Greg will be 33. I have an 8 yr old sassy daughter... and I am almost 27. Gasp! Guys, this is a big deal. I'm really pushing 30. I know many of you scoff at my "youth" but hey, it's older than I've ever been. Life is so strange and in it, I am the enemy that plots against myself. No one but me is going to be my downfall.

   Tomorrow's Haden's/Greg's party. I have to go kick some @$$ in Simpsons Clue now. I'm Lisa (Ms. Peacock) & I'm going to *win*. Yep.

   Also, I NEED to hear from some of you. You know who you are. I'm waiting.

Something Fishy This Way Writes

Well... I think my computer has about had it, at least for now. I'm going to need to buy a new battery or charger for this thing, because it no longer acknowledges its charger. First it was chargeable but only if I shut the computer and placed it awkwardly upside downish with the charger, which plugs into the side, on the bottom pressing against something. Now the computer charger light doesn't even light up like it should when it's plugged in. I'm at 0% battery & it's going to die at any moment. This is lamentable because I am sort of a computer addict, even if I'm only perusing best of Craigslist or something...

...But the worst part is, today I misplaced my cell phone somewhere out in the world. It's probably at work, which is uncool, as I work in plants, my cell phone is green, and the camo is quite natural. I spent my day in the greenhouse spraying pesticide comprised of sesame oil & fish oil (92%) & lecithin (a substance widely distributed in animal tissues, egg yolk, and some higher plants, consisting of phospholipids linked to choline). The pesticide is safe for indoor use but it made my surroundings smell like 'the Gulf of Mexico' .. 'after a red tide'. I also found out what it's like to be a chick in a predominantly male working environment who happens to smell like dead fish (I'm sure your minds can all come up with any of the jokes I heard today, and I heard em all).

Anyway. I have no computer after tonight at home indefinitely, and I have *no clue* where my cell phone is. I don't like feeling alienated from the world and I am off work tomorrow. I'm broke, so I cannot buy anything to alleviate this problem but I hope you will all show love for when I come back. Actually, maybe my fickle ass needs some alienation.

In other news, Haden chowed down on some chopped spaghetti the other day. He liked it. He had a yummy lunch then took a nap, then we went to get Maya from school and he sneezed. Yucky. I had to wipe his nose. So we move up in the waiting line and he sneezes again and this like 6 inch booger comes out. I said "Grossssssss!" And stared it down til I could pull over and wipe it off. Guess what... it was a friggin NOODLE! How in the name of heck could this noodle have harbored itself in my son's nose all through a nap? Like, where was it?

So we pick up Maya from school and she's lost another tooth. The tooth fairy left her $2 but the next morning she didn't even check. She totally forgot. And, she got her ears pierced the other day thanks to Lauren. What a big girl.

I'm on reserve power now so I have to turn this thing off. Sigh.

Listening to Three6 all alone @ Lauren's, aah.

If you won 100 million dollars what would you do?


What kind of car would you buy? aw shizzy, i'd be a car buyin fool. i'd get my entire family & my best friends new cars of their choice, i'd let greggy buy any toys he wanted... even a harley... and then i would go to it. mmm. "from hyundais to bentlys" yo!

Where in the country would you move to? I'd prolly buy some homes in a few choice spots, and live in whichever one i felt like at the time.

What kind of house would you buy? Ooh... I'd get land spots and get them all built out of eco-friendly material & it would be so sweet.

Would you give your family money? All the money I owed. Then I would proceed to buy them shit.

What charity would you donate to? Hmm. Juvenile Diabetes, all kinda environmental shite, and RSDS research

Would you give your friends any money? It's just like my family answer.

Where would you go on vacation? My life would be my vacation from then on, with carefully invested money to ensure i never ran out.

What luxury item would you buy first? Um... well shit, anything for me is luxury... i don't even know! i'd be too busy wiggin cuz i had 100 mill!

Would it change your life? absolutely, but i wouldn't be a selfish biotch about it.

Would you save any of it? Invest, save, make it work for me.

Would it change your current relationship? we'd have some stress lifted fo sho. but our love wouldnt change.

Would you quit your job? i would never ever work again unless it was voluntarily, which i am up for.

Would you ever work again? hehe... i guess i lied cause there's some businesses i would want to open. but it would be awesome; if they failed, i wouldnt have to worry so much. i would have so much fun makin the world a better place. i would work for me and my fam, no more bosses ever.

What one task would you never do again? house cleaning. not picking up after myself, i mean the cleaning... like floors... yeah.

What dream of yours would you be able to do? for real leave a noticeable imprint on the world that would always be positive.

Would you change the way you dress? i would buy some clothes that don't come from walmart and are so worn they have holes in em. dont think i'd be all about the name brand, but i would be much more betsy johnson and much less goodwill.

Would you change anything about your body? yeah. i would get a sweet lifelong gymn membership & some lipo & a tummy tuck to kick it off. after i have the baby. wouldnt be one of those people who just get plastic surgery crazy, i would work to keep my body in shape.

Would you miss anything about not being rich? oh man, i hate bein rich! remember when i had to dig change out of the couch for taco bell? fuck naw. i'm rich biatch!

Who would be the first person you tell? whoever was in close proximity...

Would it bring you happiness? No, but it would buy a lotta crap i would like to have for me & many many people.