Flight Risk

he felt as if he'd stumbled into an alter-reality.  he'd had no plans, but this wasn't what was in mind.  it was uncalled for.  shuddering, he wondered if he was cold or if it was the enormity of the empty pews and the cathedral ceiling reminding him how small he was.  it had been years since he'd been in a church; raised catholic, he'd grown apart from things associated with faith.  he wondered if he had slipped in that day hoping to find answers, but there were no answers there... there never had been.  with a sense of sudden urgency, he stood and left through the side door. 
stepping out into the sun, he squinted, shading his eyes.  the palms lining the street were blowing in a warm ocean breeze.  he walked east and although it was the middle of the day, the humidity kept his thick-framed glasses sliding down his nose.  his white t-shirt had become dry in the cool church but was now accumulating perspiration yet again.
he ducked under the first neon sign he saw, and after ordering his pbr, he settled on a couch in the pub, slipped off his shoes like it was his living room, and gazed out the window.  he thought of the people he'd never met, of the girl who he was sure thought him an ass.  he thought of all the places he could be, and thought of all the things so familiar... so many spots that felt like home.
he took a sip of his beer.  there would be no answers that day.   

Inspired by Grumble B, a man I love but may never meet.

I'm Feelin Old Survey

How Much have you changed in six years?
Six years ago.....
1.) How old were you?: 19
2.) Where did you go to school? i wasnt in school
3) Where did you work? uh... prolly mostly olive garden
4) Where did you live? memphis
5.) Where did you hang out? young ave deli, a lot.
6.) did you wear glasses? if i wasn't wearing contacts
7.) Who was your best friend? traci, meredith
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: none
9.) How many piercings did you have?: nipples, tongue, ears, septum, nostril, belly button
10.) What car did you drive: uh.. maybe a volvo?  was that my volvo year??
11.) Had you been to a real party? oh fuck yeah.
12.) Had You had your heart broken?: no.  yes.  it's complicated.
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? i think i was dating josh bates
-------------3 years ago----------
1.) How old were you?: 22
2.) Where did you go to school?: st pete college in tarpon springs
3.) Where did you work? uh... i was maybe workin for my family's company in fl?
4.) Where did you live?: in tarpon springs/holiday fl
5.) Where did you hang out?  at my aunt's or cousin's or home, at the beach some.
6) Did you wear glasses?: if not wearing dontacts
7.) Who were your best friend(s)?: traci, hilda
9.) How many tattoos did you have? none
10.) How many piercings did you have?: ears and septum and nose, but a couple new ear piercings.
11) What car did you drive?: a 79 vw bus
12) Had your heart broken?: daily
13. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: taken

--------------------Today--------------------
1.) How old are you?: 25
2.) Where do you go to school?: at the moment, nowhere.
3.) Where do you work?: i work at staying alive
4.) Where do you live?: in a really small town outside of lexington, ky
5.) Do you wear glasses?: if not wearing contacts
6.) Who are your best friends/close friends? amy, traci, greg, meredith
7.) Do you talk to your old friends? all the time
8.) How many piercings do you have? 9, 7 of which are in my ears
9.) How many tattoos?: yeah...  i still haven't taken that dive
10.) What kind of car do you have?: 07 hyundai elantra
10.) Has your heart been broken? absolutely crushed, but repaired
11. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: taken and hope to remain that way, happily.

OK, Here I am. You Found Me.

how did i get here?  how did my life become this?  when i think back on it, it seems no less extraordinary than any of the other life-changing events i have experienced.  but i feel lost in translation, i feel hormonal, i feel unsure, off-balance, emotional, sad, happy, confused, itchy, like i'm viewing what's going on instead of actually experiencing it.  it's surreal.  is this reality?  i would say yes... but then i would wonder how. 

how, again, my life has changed completely in a matter of moments.  there are some really big things that happen on a few specific certain days that determine what your life will become.  one tiny incident can change it all, one action can set off a chain reaction and boom!  life as you know it has changed.

i moved away from my hometown again.  this time i am 8 hours away instead of 13.  this time i am not near a beach or any family.  this time i am putting all of my faith into someone i have only known a little while, but who i will know for the rest of my life.

   greg,  i am happy with him.  he is amazing.  he still opens and closes my car door for me.  i took him to memphis to help me move and so he could meet my best friends, and that was about the worst possible experience of my life.  he only got along with my most functional friends.  suprisingly smooth sailing with my mom and dad, he even spent a couple of nights at my granny's house.  our situation is out of the ordinary; it is odd the way we met, and that we decided to take the chance on having a baby..  we're still getting to know one another, we barely know anything about each other... but i think it's going to be ok.
   we rented a house today, in mt. sterling ky.  this is a country bumpkin town, 20-something miles outside of lexington.  i am unfamiliar with everything, except mt. sterling.  so, i thought that would be the best place to be.  close also to greg's mom, a lady i really love.  she's so cool.  so is her man of over ten years, leo.  but our home to be is cozy, a bit retro, hardwood, in a quiet neighborhood, trees, not a subdivision where everything looks the same...  it would be cool if we had more to put in it than a bedroom set, but the bedroom set is quite lovely, and we wouldn't have that if not for g's mom, so i am grateful and happy for it.  now to try to make it home, with what i have left (not much, most of it is maybe still in florida in steph's garage, i dunno), and to start all over again. 

the baby in my belly is 12 weeks old.  i need to get my insurance changed so i can see a freakin doctor.  i cannot stop spitting (how can that happen in 3 out of  3 pregnancies?? shit luck is what i say...) and i am getting really emotional.  not like all the things that are going on aren't enough...  but on top of it, my raging ass hormones are making me cry over absurd little issues, and i feel misplaced... stranger in a strange land.  depressed?  maybe, but i don't know why.  perhaps it's because it's all happening so fast.  perhaps it's because my hives have gotten a thousand times worse and i itch all the time.  i keep having to go to the emergency room and all they give me over and over is medicine that will eventually kill me.

i'm committed to my relationship.  i just wish i had my wits about me a bit more.  i dunno.   i don't like how some of my tendencies freak greg out.  for instance, he thought my free-lovin hippie travelin ass days were long gone.  gone, but not long gone.  i'm still very free-spirited, to a fault in my mind sometimes.  i have to recognize that i am going to be living a normal life, this is what i have chosen for myself.  sometimes my gut gets that urge... that feeling that i'm missing so much, but what?  nothing really.  nothing's goin on without me that would be happening any differently if i were there.  a bunch of empty situations that won't get me ahead in life...  i don't even know why i think about it now, like it's even an option.

i am determined to be happy and to love my life.  and my man,  and maya, and this baby, and never regret or wish to change anything.  and i'm sticking to it.  fuck.  alright then.

my granny has to have a pacemaker put in on july 5th.  i am worried sick.  i feel guilty that i left her home, but i did it to make a life for myself with the person i love.  is that so wrong, so selfish?  i am in love, and i am trying to be the best person i can be... what more can i do? 

so anyway everyone, i am alive and well.  i am in love and i have a nice, safe, comfy roof over my head.  i dont think i will have the internet for a good long while, but i can go places when the need is dire to get on mycrack and check up,  so please write to me and be in touch.  i don't have a new phone number or anything... but i will check this spot as often as i can.  until next time, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.