I cannot take it anymore. My mom is so sick, in so much pain all the time, that I wonder if it was the right choice to come back to TN. If I had just stayed in KY, maybe life would have gotten better. If I go now to Florida, maybe life would get better. But I don't see it getting better here, even on my most optimistic days. I'm surrounded by hopelessness.
When I moved back into my parents' home, it was only 'to get back on my feet, and get back to Kentucky'. Well, my parents' home is now my deceased grandmother's home, and it's a mess. There's remnants of my childhood home everywhere, boxes upon boxes of things all over the place, and the room where I sleep is my grandmother's old room. It still has her furniture in it, her letters and bills in it, and her clothes are still in her closet. She's been gone for three years.
My mother has taken up permanent residence on the sofa in the living room. It's not a pretty sight. She's so ill all the time. I spent so much of my tax return trying to help her that I needed to spend on my daughter. My girl needs her braces worked on. She needs new glasses. I shouldn't have spent so much trying to catch up insurmountable medical bills on my mother; it hasn't helped her. $2000 later, she still has a tear in her intestinal tract, she still has an infected hole where a rotten tooth used to be in her mouth... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared.
I'm also broke. I got a job, but it's super part time. I'm only scheduled for 10 hours this week and next, and at $8.25/hr, that doesn't amount to much. How depressing. I am behind on everything. My storage unit in Kentucky is on the brink of re-possession. My car insurance is about to expire. I don't know what to do. I so don't know what to do.
My best two girlfriends here ended up being totally lame. Two girls I've known forever, I completely despise now. I don't want to be like those girls. I cannot stand the thought of either one of those girls. I wish I could have realized that they were people I didn't want to be like a long time ago. I made poor decisions in my choice of friends, and I am ashamed of that. I just don't know anymore what the right choice would even be, which is just as scary.
I'm just super lost and I don't know what to do. I'm so very anxious, it's like a pit in my stomach... a hard knot. It makes me want to throw up. I just need to know what to do. And I don't want the advice from any of the people I'm at odds with. Why is it so hard to make it through one day without feeling such despair??
