My granny died the day after Mother's Day. It's so weird, sometimes it
gets painful and it hurts... and I will find myself crying, but I only
squeeze out a few tears before I stop myself. I work with plants every
day and when I see old ladies out passing time, just browsing through
the garden center to not feel so alone, I make an effort to talk to
them, and I always end up choking back tears after they leave. I am
curiously protective of impatiens, which were her favorites. I miss her
a lot. It's not a tragic end to life, to make it all the way to 87
years, to see 2 great grandkids. It's not a sad story like I know so
many of you have to tell about loved ones. I am grateful for knowing
her for so long, for having her be such an influence on me. I was
thinking about it and these are parts of my life and myself that came
directly from her:
- Dr Pepper (I am an addict straight up &
remember her sharing them with me when I was a little girl at her duplex
on Bowen Avenue).
- Patchwork (I will always love piecing fabrics
together to make something beautiful & will never forget the sewing
circles I sat through that my Gran hosted).
- Love of Plants (I
helped her, year after year, in her garden & sat with her for
countless hours on the back porch enjoying Dr P, birds, and flowers; I
would water her plants in front of the house & she taught me to
propagate houseplants).
- The Golden Girls ("thank you for being a
frieeeennnd" ~ I watched it when I would sleep over at Granny's and for
years in syndication, and I admit it freely... I love it).
-
Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. (She'd put it in Tupperware bowls; I
liked the pink one best. I would wait for it to melt just a bit, and
then cut it into pie slices with my spoon. Angel Food brand. I can't
find that anymore but I have Edy's Mint Choc Chip lowfat in my freezer
now.)
- Recycling. (I rinse it all out just like she did before I throw my recyclables into the bin.)
- My car (the first new car I've ever had, the bills still come in her name b.c she's the co-signer who made it possible).
I miss her. Most days I can just remember her fondly b.c there's
not too much I regret. I just hate that I had to move away from her,
that her life with me in it passed so quickly by. I'm kind of
struggling with it, the whole death thing. I'm not a Christian-related
religious person but she was and I hope she's gone where she believed
she'd go, but I worry b/c I don't share her beliefs, I won't see her
again. I wonder about where she went and hope she's ok. I think about
how her life went in the blink of an eye and it makes me nervous and
uncomfortable with how quickly my life is going by. I love being alive
but I'm always carrying a fear now that my life will end soon. I worry
more than I ever did because life is so fragile and complex and can be
snatched away anytime. And for some reason when people I've known and
loved have passed that were younger, well, I thought about the craziness
of it all and about how I would keep getting older, moving forward, and
they would not, and I've thought of and missed those people, but they
weren't as close to me as my granny was. And I realize more than ever
that every single person I know will die... and I am no exception.
Sometimes it frightens me that I am only as far from death as any given
moment. Sometimes I feel way more depressed about it than I should be.
I'm tired of being so worrysome.
I just really also miss my
grandmother. It's had me so upset that this is the first time I've
tried to put it into words to read back. I hope she knows, wherever she
is, that I love her for always and she's always going to be a part of
me.
