So of course shit has gotten all willy-nilly nuts with my life once I attempted to incorporate the attention of a male into it. After his mother's death, I was helping him clean out her classy plastic trailer in Mississippi, because no one else was there, and because I am a person who genuinely worries when horridly shitty things happen to people for no apparent reason.
As I went through the belongings of a woman I will never meet, I found myself wondering if all that life amounts to in the end is in actuality a big heap of trashy metal with buckled floors, nicotine-stained furniture, and at least a few animals to piss all over the place that's full of useless knickknacks and whatnot, leaving quite the odor.
Layer by layer of shit was bagged, organized, or tossed. It wasn't the nastiest place I've ever been in by far, but you know when you get all the way down to the stank old carpet that has had furniture sitting on it for several years in the same place, you find all kinds of grotesque things that normally would not be visible, that normally your wouldn't have to vacuum up, it's pretty gross. And mouse turds on long-unused clothes in a dresser, kinda gross.
But my main concern became this: why was this woman out in a trailer in such a condition? Sure, she didn't want to bother anybody, but it seems like no one cared very much. Is that what my life will amount to in the end? Some tiny, antiquated strapped down trailer in a nephew's yard in Mississippi? I sure fucking hope not. And I damn sure don't want anyone to have to go through my things, disburse them, garage sell them, and have to tear my crappy little trailer down b/c it's so dilapidated. It's sad, depressing, and I felt like some creepy voyeur for going through all of her personal belongings.
Then, my thoughts turned to: "why do I need things? I won't get to take them with me!" This made me ponder the lives of people; every day, we toil away, trying to buy nicer homes, better furniture, clothing, whatever... and not a single bit of it is any good once you go, unless you're leaving your family behind something that's worth something. Why can't we thrive on experiences? Why can't we focus on love?
It's been an exhausting time, and that's not all that's been going on. This past weekend has left me bruised, confused, happy, unnerved... it's really a lot. On top of my life, it's a lot more.
