Wednesday night story from customer at bar:
“So I’m home and it’s late and I’m in bed, but my dog is in the yard going crazy. And I keep waking up over and over, and I’m like, what the HELL is my dog barking at??? Is there a fucking badger in my backyard? Is there someone trying to break in? (I checked repeatedly and saw no people…)
“So I’m finally like ‘fuck it’ and I decidedly try to sleep through the rest of this madness. And I cover my head up and I sleep and when I wake up, it is morning… finally. And my damn dog is wigging out *again*!
“So I open my bedroom window, because maybe I can fucking see what he’s barking at incessantly, and what do you fucking know? There is a PERSON in a fetal position on the floor underneath my window on the GROUND in my YARD!!!!”
(((at this point all of us are like, ‘are you serious? that is INSANE!’ —come on, you know it is!! what the hell??)))
so she continues:
“So, I don’t know what the fuck to do. I call the cops. I mean, is this guy dead, was he trying to rob me, what? So the cops come and poke at him a bit and wake him up… (pause for effect)
“And it’s my alcoholic ass neighbor who’s always WASTED drunk! He apparently got lost trying to get home, ended up in my yard, said ‘fuck it’ and just curled up to sleep. I mean, this guy drinks a LOT, but to get into my backyard, he had to go way down the street to the totally wrong house, down my driveway, open my back gate, and come on in. Like, really??
“I felt really bad. I was like, ‘ohhhhh, nevermind, it’s ok, it’s just my neighbor!’, and I tell the cops I couldn’t tell it was him because he was all curled up in a fetal position and I couldn’t see his face, and the neighbor’s just like ‘huh? i’m in someone’s yard? Oh! hey! Sorry about that!’
“And I was just like, ‘eat a sandwich, PLEASE.”
Definitely the best story I heard that day. I gotta keep up with more of this shit. I mean, that is fanTASTIC. Epic drunk guy story.
FYI, in case you decide to pass out in my yard, I would come outside, check out wtf was going on, and then I would grab my garden hose (or some really cold water from inside if my hose was closed down for the winter), and spray you off immediately to see if you were alive. Then, depending on whether or not I knew you, I would go from there.You better hope you know my ass if you’re passed out in my fenced in backyard. I’m very nice, extremely forgiving, but come on man. Really?
“So I’m home and it’s late and I’m in bed, but my dog is in the yard going crazy. And I keep waking up over and over, and I’m like, what the HELL is my dog barking at??? Is there a fucking badger in my backyard? Is there someone trying to break in? (I checked repeatedly and saw no people…)
“So I’m finally like ‘fuck it’ and I decidedly try to sleep through the rest of this madness. And I cover my head up and I sleep and when I wake up, it is morning… finally. And my damn dog is wigging out *again*!
“So I open my bedroom window, because maybe I can fucking see what he’s barking at incessantly, and what do you fucking know? There is a PERSON in a fetal position on the floor underneath my window on the GROUND in my YARD!!!!”
(((at this point all of us are like, ‘are you serious? that is INSANE!’ —come on, you know it is!! what the hell??)))
so she continues:
“So, I don’t know what the fuck to do. I call the cops. I mean, is this guy dead, was he trying to rob me, what? So the cops come and poke at him a bit and wake him up… (pause for effect)
“And it’s my alcoholic ass neighbor who’s always WASTED drunk! He apparently got lost trying to get home, ended up in my yard, said ‘fuck it’ and just curled up to sleep. I mean, this guy drinks a LOT, but to get into my backyard, he had to go way down the street to the totally wrong house, down my driveway, open my back gate, and come on in. Like, really??
“I felt really bad. I was like, ‘ohhhhh, nevermind, it’s ok, it’s just my neighbor!’, and I tell the cops I couldn’t tell it was him because he was all curled up in a fetal position and I couldn’t see his face, and the neighbor’s just like ‘huh? i’m in someone’s yard? Oh! hey! Sorry about that!’
“And I was just like, ‘eat a sandwich, PLEASE.”
Definitely the best story I heard that day. I gotta keep up with more of this shit. I mean, that is fanTASTIC. Epic drunk guy story.
FYI, in case you decide to pass out in my yard, I would come outside, check out wtf was going on, and then I would grab my garden hose (or some really cold water from inside if my hose was closed down for the winter), and spray you off immediately to see if you were alive. Then, depending on whether or not I knew you, I would go from there.You better hope you know my ass if you’re passed out in my fenced in backyard. I’m very nice, extremely forgiving, but come on man. Really?
