The Last Love Letter

to make it short, "THE EX" has been messin with my head/heart lately, and i won't do it again. it will kill me if i have to keep being involved in his world of insanity. he's verbally & mentally abusive, and i love him. so. i wrote this.. if i ever go looney tunes again please hit me over the head and make me read and re-read what i have written here until i concede that being with someone like him is detrimental to my life. below is my  letter, unedited. sorry if some of
it seems harsh.. none of you really know what this relationship was
like. ugh. it's so fucking hard to think about letting him go. it's going to be harder to do it.

   all my love,
                 alice

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dear "the ex",

i have thought very long & hard about the last conversation we had.

you & i did share a love that was for another time. that doesn't mean that i don't still love you more than i ever have or probably ever will love anyone. it doesn't mean that every stolen kiss you have given me was not adored. i do love you; i always will.

i will never be able to appreciate or like the women in your life. you only show me with them how hollow your love can be, because when i am around, there is a sense of abandonment, on both our parts, and we have a tendency to forget our anger from the past.. wanting to cling to one another (or kill one another) is one of our biggest problems.

after what happened christmas 2009, i went back to lex & i swore that i would not waste another second of my life worrying about you, or caring, or wishing for things to be different. i lied. and in truth, i will probably waste several seconds, if not minutes, hours... of my future time missing you and loving you and wishing it could be different.

but, it's not ever going to be different. anything you and i may have will always be a mess, whether it be a platonic friendship, or a full-fledged relationship. i really, truly, from the bottom of my heart know that thinking of you, missing you, loving you, etc will only hurt me.

it is insulting you would even think that after all of these years you would be given joint custody. there's no way. i would have let you see her, with me, if you and i could get along, maybe with some legal therapy, definitely put your name on her birth certif., but under no circumstances would i remotely let you have joint custody of mour child. she barely knows you. at best, you would be allowed to see her every other weekend along with the other kids, more if you and i were on good terms and getting along. but you must be joking if you think i would just let you randomly come into her life and be with her half of the time.

the only thing she really remembers about us as an interacting couple was when we lived in fl. that was primely horrid.

she and i are not staying in this town for very long. once we go, we will go together. i don't know if we're going to head back to fl, or try again in ky, or something completely different.. but we will not be available for your life. at this point, there is nothing you could do to change my mind.

i'm sorry for so many things, including the decision you made to sign your
rights over. i'm sorry you only consider me your child's mother.. i'm sorry you're such a dick to me even when i am crying, telling you how much i care. i'm so sorry for the fights that were my fault.

take care of yourself. or not. it isn't my problem. i feel sorry for anyone you're with. i guess i had such low self-worth that i wanted it to be me. it's never going to be me again.

-me

MODEST nic

Using only song titles from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on (and include me). You can't use the artist I used, UNLESS you use different songs. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Pick your artist:

The Best Band in the Fucking World!

MODEST MOUSE (duh!!!)

Are you a male or a female: Satellite Skin

Describe yourself: Broke

How do you feel: Bukowski

Describe where you currently live: A Different City

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Float On

Your favorite form of transportation: Baby Blue Sedan

Describe your family: Wild Pack of Family Dogs

Your best friend is: Life Like Weeds

You and your friends are: Custom Concern

How you feel about your ex: Black Cadillacs

What's the weather like: Breakthrough

Favorite time of day: All Night Diner

Favorite hobby: Education

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Edit the Sad Parts

What is life to you: The View

Your relationship: Dramamine

Your fear: Parting of the Sensory

What do you wish for: Bury Me With It

What is the best advice you have to give: It Always Rains on a Picnic

Thought for the day: 3rd Planet

What is your soul's present condition: Ocean Breathes Salty

Your motto: Blame it on the Tetons

New Decade

Well it would be inappropriate to begin without paying homage to my guys:
"ive got it all... most. ive got it all, almost all figured out. but always when i get there, always when i get there all the pieces they just fall apart. i cant hear you, i cant hear you talk about your dreams involving me; i dont believe i dont believe that they are any sort of prophecy at all. what a shock its mr. sweet and awful. don't look so pissed off- we all lose the plot occasionally. how consistant.. how can someone so consistantly mess up as much as every instance? how can someone inconsistant mess up so consistantly?" -modest mouse.


New Decade.
I'm not resolving shit. I'm making up my mind to change.
The weight is comin off. I'm tired of it.
The food is gettin healthier (although pricier, which sux).
I'm going to do better at WORK. I should be much more grateful for it. I don't know what I'd do without the team there; they're more than co-workers. And the flowers, I love the flowers.
I'm getting my own place. Tax season. I'm staying in Lexington, my decision is final. I want to see my son as much as possible. I bailed too much on Maya as a baby. I'm not effin' up twice.
I will remain on good terms with Greg b.c he is still a co-parent and I love him for all he is, I just want to be loved for all I am, to BE in love...
I will maintain a 4.0 (3.5 doesn't cut it). And I will finish every class I start.
I will try to be honest without offending. I will stand my ground, even when it feels shaky to me.
I will overcome my fears.
I will GET OFF the soda crack. Well, maybe like 1/week to start.
Those gym passes? Usin em! Starting tomorrow!
Now, inner happiness... well, maybe with practice.
And I will try to continue shaving my legs regularly. Just got a new Venus.
I will have some faith in myself. Respect myself more.
I will be a better me.
-coley

Brush Your Teeth, Boys & Girls!

   So I'm having a fine burrito at Chipotle the other day when I spit out something harder and crunchier than corn... maybe over-cooked rice? I should be so lucky: a molar on my top left had broken off on the side by my tongue all the way to a filling I got in 2006. At first I thought I would be ok.. until the agony started. I left work and put my dental insurance to use for the first time. The dentist had to drill out the filling bc there was a new cavity in it.
    By the time the smoke cleared there was 25% tooth left. It felt odd. Then she stuck a filling on which feels more like a cap. It's white and looks like just a tooth. It's amazing- $86.47 amazing.
   But it freakin hurts still and I have to get a crown... That'll be $350. Niceeeeeee. I'm also going in next week for a cleaning and I just know there's more cavities lurking. Stupid teeth. Those things should just last. I brush and floss. It must be the soda. Anyway... I refuse to pull any of those out. I happen to want to keep a full set of teeth thank you...

The Ocean Breathes Salty

   frick yeah miffernickers!  I AM GOING TO FL TOMORROW!
   i will see you guys soon.  i'm so sentimental, how long will it take nic to quit crying once i get back to the people that i love?  who wants to take bets? 
   and mom and dad are so randomly at aunt mawmaw's... oh the blissfulness of life's surprises. 
   i cannot wait.  i cannot wait.  i cannot wait.
   i just don't want my week to end.