Requiem

On Thursday, April 16th, 2020 at approximately 6pm Eastern time, I was wrapping up another arduous workday in a position I mostly enjoy as a travel agent. A position that  began as a fun job, the onset of this new decade’s pandemic has turned the enjoyable work of helping people explore this beautiful world and more about helping clients reschedule or cancel trips they’ve been looking forward to. While what I do may not be considered essential for most people, travel is a passion that has been inside of me for as long as I can remember. It’s exhausting and chaotic to manage a multiple trips with many moving components, and I put my full effort into servicing my clients in every way possible - regardless of if they’re booking a trip or having to cancel a trip. Of course, it’s not nearly as fun to handle so many people at once when things are not going well for global health. Now that the World Health Organization and CDC are involved, now that the sometimes deadly and highly infectious COVID-19 virus has become a worldwide pandemic, I’m trying to be present at work to help just with as much commitment and care for cancelling trips that I took when I was helping clients book them. I’m just so grateful to have a job which I am attempting to form into a career, especially now that over 20 million citizens in this country have been laid off or let go. 

On this particular day, I was still in the sanctity of my home office - that’s one thing I’ll credit to Covid: I enjoy working at home so much. In my guest room, my beautiful girl Maya, visiting from Memphis, was plugging away at her virtual community college class work online, trying to make sure she finishes this semester on time, with a solid GPA, and in good standing (so proud of her hard work & dedication). 

My cell phone rang and it was Maya’s nana, Karen, calling from Tennessee. Not uncommon. Maya’s visiting for a few months at least, and (since she lives at Karen’s house in Memphis) it’s not unusual at all to hear from her. I answered like I normally do; her nana is one of the strongest, most level-headed people I know, and I like hearing from her. 

This time though, there was something in the tone of her voice, some measured exterior of calmness and composure, that told me something was terribly wrong, and she said she had bad news. She phoned to relay that Maya’s father Chris, who I had a very long, bumpy relationship with, passed away after losing a long and tragic war within himself. Apparently that same morning, sometime between 9:30-11:30 CST, her son Chris killed himself. 

For a second, I was sure it was a mistake. Information like this couldn’t be correct. I protested that she couldn’t be right. I walked out of the office & all I could say were things like: “What? No! That can’t be right! Oh my god. That can’t be true. No! There’s no way that’s right!” 

Without consciously thinking of it, I started to walk outside. I’d answered her on speaker, assuming she’d have a question or something for Maya, who appeared instantaneously in the open front door frame while I paced on the porch, asking me what was going on, why Karen had called me and not her, what the matter was. I didn’t, I literally couldn’t, bring myself to repeat the words Karen had just said to me to my daughter, to my firstborn baby that is made up of Chris & me combined. It seems like I just sort of detached from reality and gave Maya the phone. I honestly don’t remember those first few minutes... all I can recall is pain that shook me to my core, and the pain it brought is one of the strongest I’ve ever felt. 

Initially reeling from this news, I primarily reached out to the people closest to me, two of whom were brave enough to break their self-quarantine and came over immediately. I will be forever grateful for that. I have to emphasize a huge “thank you” to my beautiful little sister Melanie, and one of the best friends I’ve ever had, Stephanie. Having their presence made everything seem a bit better. If they ever read this (they won’t), I hope they know that I am endlessly grateful for them braving the pandemic to come be by our sides.

Once it sunk in enough, I starting letting people from our past know. Some of these people I hadn’t spoken to in years. Many have borne witness to times where we together as a couple who was crazy in love, as well as separated or broken up, full of acrimony towards the another, as well as witnessing the times when we could just speak as old friends. What a nightmare shitshow we could be. I want to thank everyone who has listened to me cry and shown support. 

We will be okay; however, this is very so hard to fathom. Tell the people you care about as often as possible, hold each other close, and please - if you ever need to talk to someone and reach out for help, do not ever hesitate to do it. 

For Christopher Michael French, I hope wherever you are, you’re finally at peace. You were loved more than you will ever comprehend. Thank you for giving me the most beautiful, amazing daughter anyone could imagine having. 04/23/1981 - 04/16/2020. 

•Memorial Service for Chris French•

Since this has occurred during such tumultuous time while we all practice social distancing & self-quarantine due to the current health crisis, the service for Chris is going to be virtual. If you wish to join us to say goodbye, you’re more than welcome. Date: Saturday, April 25, 2020 Pacific Time: 12:00pm Mountain Time: 1:00pm Central Time: 2:00pm Eastern Time: 3:00pm To join the service, you’ll need to download Zoom from your iPhone or Google Play Store, or on your PC. It is free to do so. When it’s time to begin, please click on this link to be included: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/81067835850 You will be prompted to enter this Meeting ID: 810 6783 5850 Find your local number: https://us02web.zoom.us/u/kdaugnfMp 

 Please know that I’m sending much love, peace, & gratitude for your consideration!

For the Love of Russian

The coffee shop across the street from where you used to live
     was my favorite coffee shop in Lexington
I liked watching Frazier and Always Sunny in Philadelphia with you
    and making fun of your love of science fiction
I thought your Nietzsche finger puppet was hilarious and your love of Rush was bizarre
    (it's comforting that you ended up liking Modest Mouse- you're welcome)
I know you know I'm a sucker for words (in any language) and weirdos
     you linguist weirdo
Every time i'd visit you in the bookstore your smile would warm me up from the inside
     It'll be good to give you a hug one of these days, hear you call me ladyface

I am so glad you're one of my friends
   How in the world did we end up seeing GWAR anyway???

GWAR @ Buster's 2012

Possum Living in 2013

...Have you heard of it? Because I am so, so beyond done. I will be 31 in 3 days. I don't like what's going on with the govt. I don't like the further shaving off of our liberties. I abhor the social workers and the way they take children away from people who have done nothing wrong. I'm fed up. I'm sick and tired of it all. And in this year of my life by god, I am going to change my existence... starting with my way of life. It's going to be hard, arduous. I will sweat and bleed and cry. But when the shit inevitably hits the fan, I will be self-sufficient and ready. I am going to be reunited with my baby and I am going to be an excellent mother not only to him but to my beautiful 12 year old who I have finally become responsible for her as I should have when I was a teenage mother so long ago, long before my dad went to watch television and never woke up and I moved 3000 miles to be with my little girl and start over... again, and hopefully for at least a decade. It's happening. Big changes. I'm done with asshole men and fucked relationships. I'm done with vain attempts at the proverbial "American Dream" bullshit I was never able to buy into in the first place. I am not running away, nor am I starting over again because of some flippant decision. It was difficult and I knew it was going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I feel like my heart broke... but it's still beating and I am not even beginning to show my capacity for living well and fighting the good fight. Here's to turning 31 and finally not only getting the concept, but beginning to apply it to my life and to making my life my own... and the best one anyone could ever give the children she loves so very, very much and will be devoting her life to foremost.. not just because it's the right thing to do, but because I want to do it more than I have ever wanted anything, and because they are more important than any stupid ideas or wanderings I have ever thought important before. I am done with selfishness. I am going to fix this. And I am going to begin immediately. http://www.possumliving.com/ http://www.wikihow.com/Live-the-DIY-Life-as-Described-in-%22Possum-Living%22

I'm so Smart I'm Practically Retarded

Where have I ended up as of now? In Missoula, MT since Xmas. Now past my due date, I am both eager to meet my son & terrified of having another baby. I live in a trailer, an old leaky single-wide piece of shit (for lack of a better term) with 3 broken out windows, exposed sub-flooring, a sinkless bathroom, an old marijuana grow room, a leaky sewage problem, a very unmotivated boyfriend, and (since the last few days) a neighbor who I guess has been offered a place to stay by my significant other now that he & his girlfriend have parted ways.

I've been working a job at a gas station, graveyard shifts, but my pregnancy finally sent me on early maternity leave 3/17. I am having a really difficult time with this one, even though he's been easiest on me with pregnancy, he's been the most difficult in other ways & I am really shocked to find myself bringing a fourth child into the world- as well as disappointed by the circumstances.

I thought my significant other would be gainfully employed by now but such is not the case & although I won't say he's done nothing in regards to our relationship, I will confess that in terms of obtaining employment there has been nothing but the occasional attempt at a scam, and those have heretofore only been a nuisance and attributed to me as well, leaving me in potential trouble for his oh-so-clever misdeeds.

I honestly don't know what to do. Today is the celebration of Easter, of rebirth... Maybe something will change. Something needs to happen!

Guten Tag

So here are the rules:

Post the rules
Answer the questions
Create 11 new questions
Tag 11 people with a link to your post
Let them know you’ve tagged them
Questions

Do you have a test or tests that help you judge someone’s character? Loaning them something that they will have to pay me back for & waiting to see if they will actually do it.

When did you first feel like a grown-up? I guess when I realized I was no longer at home in my parents' house. It was sad.

What is something you read that made you wish you could write that well? The Gospel of Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, and many things by Vonnegut & Tom Robbins. Also, the simple beauty of The Giving Tree.

What do you say when you answer the phone? Usually I say "what up dude?" (or lady, or mama- depending on who it is). If its not someone I know, I stick with the traditional hello.

Have you ever stiffed someone on a tip? Maybe a couple of times if they totally sucked. They'd have to have done something really crappy though.

Do you have a favorite writing utensil? I like roller ball pens.

Do you use a calendar? Sho nuff.

Do you have road rage? Only if I'm super late for something & people are driving like jerks. Or if someone is blatantly rude to me first.

Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night but not all night. The graveyards shifts I worked were killing me.

What surprised you about blogging when you first started? It honestly wasn't surprising, but it made me realize I didn't want everyone on the net getting to read anything too personal... Bc what If they knew me & gossip & drama!!!... You know. So I tried to be more guarded.

If you could drink anything at all, what would you choose? This immediately sends me to adult beverage mode bc I've been pregnant forever. Bloody Mary. Yum.

Now for the eleven questions my friend concocted:

Coke or Pepsi? Or Fanta (we don’t judge)? Dr Pepper

What is your guilty pleasure? Definitely not admitting this online.

The Beatles or the Rolling Stones? Beatles. But in terms of single artist, Bob Dylan hands down.

Describe your first crush. A kid who Ninja Turtles with me in 2nd grade.

How often do you respond to/ pass along blogging honors, such as the Versatile Blogging Award? I so suck, not a very active blogger.. I still journal!

Where would you travel if you could go anywhere? India, Nepal, Thailand. And I'd like to see Macchu Pichu.

Did you have cable TV growing up? My granny got it as a treat for us when I was in 1st grade, then at some point in the country where my parents' home was, Dad bootlegged it.

What’s the most interesting thing you’ve ever eaten? Um... for some reason this sends my mind to a dirty place.

Why do you blog? Because I like to write & always have, it makes me timeless.

What’s the worst gift you’ve ever been given? I'm not sure. I probably re-gifted it.

Any baby advice? Roll with the punches.

Now I'm supposed to write 11 ?s... but I don't have anyone to tag. However, stuff to ponder:

When you were little, if you were a girl, did you kiss frogs or toads trying to turn them into princes? If you were a boy, did you ever needlessly kill frogs?

What was the best nighttime dream you remember having?

Tell me about one of your favorite local dive bars or restaurants & your fave thing to get there and why.

What's the most physically uncomfortable you've ever been?

Coffee or tea & what's your fave drink of your bean or leaf water choice?

Have you ever skinny dipped & if so what was your experience like (or favorite one if you've done it repeatedly)?

In terms of alcohol what's your fave kind? Beer, liquor, wine? Fave adult drink?

What's your favorite season & why?

What do you consider to be the coolest city you've visited or lived in & why?

Have you ever seen the Northern Lights?

If you could live in any city for a while, where would it be? Or would you want to settle down there?

We'll All Float On...

So much has changed it's hard to re-cap. I did indeed leave my hometown again; I couldn't stand it, I had to escape.


Three months and thousands of miles later, I came to the ultimate realization that I was running and running and running, but I could never escape myself. I had some amazing adventures. I fell in love beyond compare. I went above and beyond limits for living that I thought I had. I got pregnant (WTF!) by the man I fell in love with. I jacked UP my car in a variety of ways. I realized that running away was a mistake, and tried to go back to my parents' (for several reasons), but was shut down immediately. I was literally quite homeless for a long, bohemian, vagabond time.

I ended up back in Lexington b/c I have real friends here, good friends, and my son is here. My daughter is still with my parents in Memphis, which sucks. Not a lot is going well, but it's going, and I am trying to do better every day. I have gotten a job, and another job, and I am working on visitation with my little boy. I have a place to live with some friends who used to be neighbors, and another place to stay with an awesome friend I met going to school here. I'm right just today at approximately 18 weeks pregnant, and I am going to be having a little boy. I really wish I hadn't messed stuff up with my children though, and by leaving Memphis in June that's exactly what I did. So many things have occurred due to that decision, including the creation of a new life, that I don't know if I would go back and change it were it a possibility to do so, but I have a lot to make up for.

As far as the person I fell in love with... idiot.

So. There's my re-cap. I don't know if I will ever have time to write about my adventures on the road this past summer, but it was crazy and I had a lot of fun (and a lot of not-so-much fun, I met some amazing people that I will hold dear forever... but it's so much, I didn't even journal it like I should have, and now it's over and done with and I should have kept up with my writing more.

In any capacity, I am going to write a letter and go to bed. Being pregnant makes me extra tired lately.

anywhere but here...

I cannot take it anymore. My mom is so sick, in so much pain all the time, that I wonder if it was the right choice to come back to TN. If I had just stayed in KY, maybe life would have gotten better. If I go now to Florida, maybe life would get better. But I don't see it getting better here, even on my most optimistic days. I'm surrounded by hopelessness.

When I moved back into my parents' home, it was only 'to get back on my feet, and get back to Kentucky'. Well, my parents' home is now my deceased grandmother's home, and it's a mess. There's remnants of my childhood home everywhere, boxes upon boxes of things all over the place, and the room where I sleep is my grandmother's old room. It still has her furniture in it, her letters and bills in it, and her clothes are still in her closet. She's been gone for three years.

My mother has taken up permanent residence on the sofa in the living room. It's not a pretty sight. She's so ill all the time. I spent so much of my tax return trying to help her that I needed to spend on my daughter. My girl needs her braces worked on. She needs new glasses. I shouldn't have spent so much trying to catch up insurmountable medical bills on my mother; it hasn't helped her. $2000 later, she still has a tear in her intestinal tract, she still has an infected hole where a rotten tooth used to be in her mouth... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared.

I'm also broke. I got a job, but it's super part time. I'm only scheduled for 10 hours this week and next, and at $8.25/hr, that doesn't amount to much. How depressing. I am behind on everything. My storage unit in Kentucky is on the brink of re-possession. My car insurance is about to expire. I don't know what to do. I so don't know what to do.

My best two girlfriends here ended up being totally lame. Two girls I've known forever, I completely despise now. I don't want to be like those girls. I cannot stand the thought of either one of those girls. I wish I could have realized that they were people I didn't want to be like a long time ago. I made poor decisions in my choice of friends, and I am ashamed of that. I just don't know anymore what the right choice would even be, which is just as scary.

I'm just super lost and I don't know what to do. I'm so very anxious, it's like a pit in my stomach... a hard knot. It makes me want to throw up. I just need to know what to do. And I don't want the advice from any of the people I'm at odds with. Why is it so hard to make it through one day without feeling such despair??

so tonight that i might drink...

i really need to get these folks some patio furniture. sitting on some concrete with two of the best ladies i know, drinking cherry vodka and coca~cola. i totally almost went and saw my ex tonight... "the ex". why did i do something this silly when i know better?? because i love him. yep. i put it out there on the internet for the whole wide world to read. can you judge me? sure you can, but i really don't want to hear your judgements, because i'm sure every single one of you have your own personal kryptonite.

the ex, henceforth referred to as simply x, was possibly the love of my life. only a week and a month ago we totally ravaged each other. why was this a bad idea? hmm. several reasons, i suppose. but we went to freakin town, man.

i have a job interview very soon, at the place i was working when i first laid eyes on x. every time i have gone into that place, i couldn't help but look across the hallway to the store across the way, where i laid eyes on him. that cloud hat, that light blue hat with the clouds on it... i wondered why???

so i asked him. his eyes matched the fabric of the color representing the sky. the clouds had little sparkles in it. i told him i liked his hat; he told me that he had his head in the clouds. that's still how i think of him, as a boy with his head in the clouds. i spent lots of hours in that hat after that day. i miss that hat. i miss him.

the first time i kissed him it was magic. the last time i kissed him, it was the same. every glance, every gaze, every fight... they're all in those beautiful blue eyes. to think i used to take those hugs for granted. to think i ever did anything bad to him is reprehensible. people who don't feel honest regret, who think that everything happened to make you who you are today and all that mess, those people have had some shallow experiences or are fooling themselves into not dealing with remorse.

godDAMN i have remorse. if- that hugest word in the english language surmised in two tiny letters. if i had only done this, if i had only done that... if i hadn't been a selfish bitchy ho-bag so many times... if i'd listened to him without judgement or jealousy, if if if if if...

i should have married him. i should have done things right anf not made a clusterfuck of our existence as a couple...

why do i torture myself?

because even though he lives with another girl who has some sort of non-marital ring on her left ring finger, denoting some sort of pseudo-commitment... even though we have burned all of our bridges and made ropes to swing across anyway... even though it's almost seeming ill-fated (ah, the classic romeo/juliet bullshit...)..

none of it matters. i go when he calls if i am able to go. i've crossed states to have a moment if he came to me now, asked me to marry him and to try to make it against all odds, hand-in-hand... would i do it?

i would do it in a nanosecond. we would face the biggest shitstorm ever. i don't even care. we would work through it as grown up ass people (b/c after all, doesn't that sound so grown up??). it doesn't matter what people think, or who bets against us, if he was serious, and he looked at me with those eyes - those endless blue eyes where the ocean meets the sky and eternity and mirrors my soul - and he wanted to marry me, flawed, f**ked up me, this is what i would say...

i would say "of course".

and not only would i marry him, i would love him the way i was never able to love him before. so many people think monogamy is a useless idea... not i, not anymore. i've experienced enough to know that for the rest of my life, the only person i want to experience that kind of bliss with ever again is this man. would there be temptation to stray? maybe, bring it on! i would not even need to resist, b/c i'm in love and i always will be.

for the rest of my life, to the truest meaning of the words, i would cherish him. i want to grow old with him, i want to hold his hand and be his other half, i want to fulfill the role that i was created to play.

x, i love you more than i have ever loved anyone. i love you, and i always will. if you love something set it free? you're free, i'm free, come back to me where you belong... and i promise, even though it will be hard, even though there will be trials, i will remain faithfully yours.

i already am.

The Effect of Global Warming with Regards to Deforestation

Global warming is a serious issue. In-arguably, more people need to be made aware of how seriously it’s affecting us; it needs to become common knowledge and not something people have to go out of their way to research. Some companies and professionals people claim that global warming isn’t an issue humanity needs to be concerned about, but it is happening. Research from worldwide natural scientific research proves that not only is global warming an issue that is becoming more prevalent; it is in fact a serious and dangerous problem. There are many reasons attributed to climate change, including vastly unmonitored pollution and consumption of natural resources and fossil fuels. Rainforests in the tropics take in massive amounts of carbon, and release large amounts of clean, breathable oxygen. It is not common knowledge that the destruction of a single tropical forest (such as those in places like Indonesia and Brazil) can immediately emit as much carbon as emissions of carbon released over a five year period from plants powered by fossil fuels worldwide; in fact, 20% of the overall carbon emissions come from the destruction of the rainforests on the planet.

This issue does have many roots in morality. Regardless of scientific implications, the destruction of tropical rainforests makes millions of dollars for the people doing the damage. Money is a very serious motive and the long-term devastating effects are not reason enough for the profiteers to care enough about the ramifications of their actions. Their desire for wealth is bred by greed, and they don’t look into the bleak future they are creating with their financial gain. It is disappointing that these wealth-mongers control the decisions that they do, because they are obviously selfish and superficial and have no regard for future generations.

A good way to raise awareness to this issue individually would be through some form of social networking. Writing a post and informing friends about how the effects of rainforest destruction, as well as promoting ideas about ways to conserve and recycle paper would be a terrific way to get the word out. It would also be a great idea to contact local businesses, explain the benefits of using recycled paper products for office use, restroom towel use, etc. There are several good ideas on the Greenpeace website about effective ways of doing this, and one could refer businesses and peers to this site. At local festivals or Earth Day events, one could set up a booth to educate people. Also, fliers (made of recycled paper) could be put up in local coffee shops, libraries, etc., where the general public would have access to this information. If you have children, you can find instructions on the internet on how to make paper out of newspaper pulp, engaging curiosity and reinforcing the idea of conservation. One small action can affect many others; persistence is the key to spreading information.

This is a tremendously important issue and will absolutely take more than one person to solve. It is a good idea to find out who is responsible for the destruction, explain to others what is going on and ask if they are aware of the implications of the destruction of the rainforests. Affirmative actions could include the writing of online petitions and collect electronic signatures, email government representatives, teachers, and business owners. Raising consciousness to the matter and explaining the importance of the situation is very important. Emphasis on thinking on a global level and acting on a local level is key. I urge the readers of this blog to take what was written to heart and to please take one small step to begin slowing the damaging threat of carbon emissions.

Source:
N.A. (N.D.). The Climate Threat From Deforestation. Retrieved May 22, 2011 from greenpeace.org.
http://www.greenpeace.org/usa/en/campaigns/forests/forests-for-climate

Maybe this is why I can't stay in Memphis...

Memphis can be a rough place to live. All of the times I have moved away from this city, middle finger waving it goodbye as my car headed in any other direction, I swore I would never come back. Repeatedly.



What am I doing right this minute? Sitting on a porch in Midtown, already feeling the throes of horror that the humidity of the Dirty South will be throwing at me later this spring and in the forthcoming summer, and thinking of the situations and the people in this place that I seem to be a part of.



The more I think about it, the more I focus on my friendships and my familial situation and the guys who have come in to my world, seemingly interested but actually superficial, the more I am thisfuckingclose to getting up, putting whatever shit I can into my Elantra, and telling Memphis and all that goes along with it that it can fuck itself yet again, throw that bird up again, and drive... hoping this time that the Mississippi River actually does overflow and wash away all the shittiness in this town and all the shitty people in it.

e.e. cummings

Spring is intoxicating, beautiful and glorious and full of optimism. For some reason, these happy feelings brought e.e. cummings into my mind. I set out looking for a different poem entirely, but when I saw this image, I swiped it.

Further Googling (I'm quite sure this will become it's own verb) showed a hand-written copy of one of his poems by a man named Michael John March. His brother obviously loved him terribly much, set up this memorial page for him. And now, due to a random happenstance of clicking on things, now I am aware of and will remember him, though to me, he may as well be a dream.

Is it ridiculous for me to be such a sentimental, sappy, bleeding heart? Sometimes I feel like a must appear mad to other people, especially people more practical people, who would never give a second thought to the world's loss of someone they will never know.

I suppose I would rather be overcome with feelings as opposed to incapable of feeling them, even if I get hurt because of it. I would rather be hurt by opening myself up to the world, to life, to humanity... than to be lost in a crowd of numbness and indifference.

And so I say to you, whomever you might me, that I love you, and that I would give you a huge hug if you needed it, or my last dollar if you asked. Because after all, can't our life be measured by the amount of kindness we put into the world?

4/20 - Today

A really confusing happenstance with "the" ex...

One of the most bizarre nights of my life (followed by being let go from my job)...

Being a suddenly attractive object of affection from more than one person, when feeling more unsure of myself than ever...

Telling my beloved only and younger sister goodbye as she departs to live in another state with her fiance, far away from me and our memories...

It's been too difficult for me to think straight enough to write a proper entry. My thoughts are mashed, as if I'm dreaming, and it's honestly becoming difficult to discern the difference between asleep and awake. Incoherence and over-thinking cloud my mind, making me feel smothered, like I'm wrapped in a warm, damp sheet. It feels dark and humid, and I cannot tell which way gravity is pulling me. My head spins when I try to string together thoughts, words into sentences, sentences into paragraphs. It's become overwhelming, more of a task than a pleasantry. But after all, if I stop writing, if I stop pounding these keys and attempt to explain myself, won't I sink further into what feels like Depression's firm grip? Is it madness, or am I one of the only sane ones left? From one instance to another, does the navigational point change, do the sane and not switch places? Are we dashing back and forth in a frenzied, terrifying rendition of Red Rover, set on a bleak field, monstrous characters in masks playing the game in lieu of school children?

I digress. And I need sleep. My eyes burn from tears. Living can be exhausting, even without much physical activity. I would imagine my mind is in much better shape than my body, though very distressed.

The Cove

'Shenanigans'. That seems fitting, right? In case you're unfamiliar, the word "shenanigan" means specifically (according to the lovely folks at Merriam Webster): 1.: a devious trick used especially for an underhand purpose; 2a : tricky or questionable practices or conduct —usually used in plural, b : high-spirited or mischievous activity —usually used in plural.

Why, you may ask? Because inevitably, this ends up going down in any notable bar. I am able to write about my life in some sort of entertaining fashion primarily because of the establishment in which I currently work.

Things to remember:

- some people (grown, middle aged men- not just teenagers, kids!) will smoke weed wherever they want to, regardless of the fact that it's legal or not
- other people (same age group, in this instance) will straight walk around with remnants of cocaine on their faces, even though they've just been in a bathroom snorting it, where you know there's mirrors!! Just look at your face, sir! Don't walk out and make your lovely bartender have to point out the blow on your face!
- it is NEVER a good idea to let your bar staff shoot Jameson and drink unlimited PBR throughout their shifts. I mean, it's interesting, but it's hard to count money after a while and I'm pretty sure it's led to things being lit on fire by the bartenders... I wish I could remember that better.

Um... by the way, I'm NEVER going to open a bar...

The end of a trailer & material belongings...

So of course shit has gotten all willy-nilly nuts with my life once I attempted to incorporate the attention of a male into it. After his mother's death, I was helping him clean out her classy plastic trailer in Mississippi, because no one else was there, and because I am a person who genuinely worries when horridly shitty things happen to people for no apparent reason.

As I went through the belongings of a woman I will never meet, I found myself wondering if all that life amounts to in the end is in actuality a big heap of trashy metal with buckled floors, nicotine-stained furniture, and at least a few animals to piss all over the place that's full of useless knickknacks and whatnot, leaving quite the odor.

Layer by layer of shit was bagged, organized, or tossed. It wasn't the nastiest place I've ever been in by far, but you know when you get all the way down to the stank old carpet that has had furniture sitting on it for several years in the same place, you find all kinds of grotesque things that normally would not be visible, that normally your wouldn't have to vacuum up, it's pretty gross. And mouse turds on long-unused clothes in a dresser, kinda gross.

But my main concern became this: why was this woman out in a trailer in such a condition? Sure, she didn't want to bother anybody, but it seems like no one cared very much. Is that what my life will amount to in the end? Some tiny, antiquated strapped down trailer in a nephew's yard in Mississippi? I sure fucking hope not. And I damn sure don't want anyone to have to go through my things, disburse them, garage sell them, and have to tear my crappy little trailer down b/c it's so dilapidated. It's sad, depressing, and I felt like some creepy voyeur for going through all of her personal belongings.

Then, my thoughts turned to: "why do I need things? I won't get to take them with me!" This made me ponder the lives of people; every day, we toil away, trying to buy nicer homes, better furniture, clothing, whatever... and not a single bit of it is any good once you go, unless you're leaving your family behind something that's worth something. Why can't we thrive on experiences? Why can't we focus on love?

It's been an exhausting time, and that's not all that's been going on. This past weekend has left me bruised, confused, happy, unnerved... it's really a lot. On top of my life, it's a lot more.

'I cried as cameras caught my eyes; my tears turned into butterflies,. They fly away as caskets close, a new day comes you'll wake, unfold; smile when you feel the sunlight..'

I don't understand why caskets cost so much money. When I die, I really hope (& I am not joking when I say this) that my loved ones respect my wishes. I don't know what those wishes are precisely, but I do know that if I decide to go with being buried, I want to be shoved into the smallest, cheapest possible box that I could be legally put into, not shown to my loved ones after my death or embalmed.. I just want people to be able to remember me for my life, at its best too.

And if there's a service for me, or a memorial or whatever, I want it to be quite informal. Preferably with alcohol. I want smiles and happiness. I want people to be happy about whatever I did in my life, not unhappy about my leaving (because hopefully I get to go somewhere great after I depart this existence).

So anyway, a friend of mine's mom died this past Friday at 11:30PM. I didn't get to meet her, and I've only known my friend for a few months. Although we've texted quite a bit, we've hung out once. However, when he found out how sick his mom really was, I did meet up with him to do a favor.. and then Friday we hung out. I'm honestly not sure if I have chemistry with him, but I can tell you that he is a very good person.

So, tomorrow I'm going to his mother's funeral, to show my respect and support. I just know he likes likes me, and I am definitely not ready for a relationship. I cannot do it, it wouldn't be ok for whatever man I ended up with, or to me. I have far too much emotional baggage.

Anyway, what a weird past few days...

Beloved (Ir)regulars - Part I

The people I find myself coming into contact with at my place of employment never fail to amaze me. It's interesting to see the kinds of humanity in the world with whom I would probably have no interaction with, other than the fact that I work at a very eclectic, interesting bar that attracts people of all kinds. I have come to recognize and appreciate some of their existences. Somewhat akin to the theme song from Cheers,maybe these people do just want to go "where everybody knows your name..."

Mr Bud Smoker & Drinker...
Preferred Beverage: Budweiser
Smoke of Choice: Pall Malls & weed
A grad student that I would guess is in his 40s, maybe older, who happens to be ridden with palsy, this man will stagger in, always dressed in a rather snazzy fashion, his reddish hair and glasses looking somewhat akin to Austin Powers. He will sit at the bar some nights until we close, his voice utterly distinguishable, his stupor increasing. Since he lives around the corner from the bar (where he comes from, as well as where he returns to, is a mystery to me),he has the luxury of not worrying about driving- although I would assume his health condition would prevent him from having a license.
We closed on Saturday night and he stayed until the end. When everyone cleared out, he remained. He then proceeded to pull out a fat brick of some mid-grade schwag, break it up on the bar, along with a small one hitter, packed that shiz up, and proceeded to toke some weed in the middle of the bar.
With my thoughts going from shock to entertainment to fear, I then watched Randy decide that our head kitchen guy, Derek, needed a big block of weed for his tip out. This is when it got downright funny. He stuck it in Derek's envelope when all was said and done.
This man is an interesting and bizarre regular.

The Tall Redhead Realtor...
Drink preference: Gin & Tonic
Smoke of choice: Roll your own tobacco
He has one of my favorite names in the world, because it's my dad's name, and when I told him that, it probably freaked him out to a degree. Always well dressed, shirt tucked in, khakis donned and pressed, his choice in gin can fluctuate (understandable, the good stuff is pricy). The way he rolls his own tobacco is really cute. He has a very distinct laugh, not often heard (he seems to be the quiet type). Recently bestowed him with a buckeye someone in KY gave me. I always give him one of my shift drinks, because he rocks and I enjoy seeing someone enjoy gin & tonic (gin & I had to take a break.. we haven't been on great terms for years now).
Recently I rode with him to Alex's, an after hours bar. He has a huge red truck. I found out he is a realtor or works with housing of some kind. Probably a college graduate, very nice, also loves Modest Mouse. One person I would miss if I quit seeing him.

Mr Green(hair)
Drink Preference: Hoppy ass Sierra Nevada
Smoke of Choice: I acutally don't know!
At 38 or so, you would think one might be done with their crazy hair phase, but this guy has had this green tint to his hair since I met him 3 months ago. He always drinks Sierra Nevada. The last time he came in for an extended amount of time, he was with some people from the Czech Republic. That was the day before St. Patty's; the next day he came in, ordered his usual, only had 2, and informed me that he'd spent the night in jail in the suburbs for falling asleep at a stoplight. That was the last day I saw him, St Paddy's.

The Future Yale Attendee
Drink Preference: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Smoke of Choice: American Spirits
What a talented, intelligent, complex, captivating human being. Short, Asian, maybe even shorten than me, he is excited to report that he will be attending Yale shortly to pursue a Master's. He is monotone when he sings on karaoke night, even if he's doing one of the most hyped up songs ever). Soft spoken and timid, he attracts people to him like moths go to fire.. only he is not harmful. He's polite, caring, and he has a very bright future. He got a full ride to his first year at his Ivy League school. I know he's a brilliant artist with a great eye for photography. He never seems to be in a bad mood. One of the nicest people ever. I will miss him tremendously when he moves on, but I am really proud to have had the privilege of knowing him.

Crazy Karaoke Asian
Drink Preference: Bud Light
Choice of Smoke: I can't recollect, but I know he does it
This man is one of the coolest people. Ever. He has huge gauges in his ears, emanates the whole skinny jean, tight t-shirt, punk hipster persona. Every Wednesday, this guy throws the fuck down on some Karaoke. When he gets drunk, he becomes a hyper kid with all the conveniences of being potty trained and in control of his own life. When he's not around to punk it out & dance like he means it on Wed night, he's still cool as hell. Just this evening, I caught a glimpse of him dancing with an empty chip basket on his head. I'm going to have to get to know him better...

(More frequenters coming soon. This is the tip of the iceberg...)

Life

Life is really tricky. In this old country music song that used to play on my dad's radio persistently, Alabama would sing: 'All I really gotta do is live and die', but I am seriously thinking they over-simplified it.

The Most Blatant Display of Racism I’ve seen since…

My grandmother had her kitchen repainted over a decade ago. Something came on the news about MLK Day (she used to argue with the tv) and she yells something about how African Americans shouldn't have National holidays just for them (only in much less politically correct form).

I was embarrassed for the woman immediately, and I felt ashamed, because out of the two painters that were in her home working that day, one was black. Mom snapped at her, I gasped. I remember feeling so bad. And this man was so polite, he didn’t react with animosity or rage or anything.. and Grandmother realized at that point she was in mixed race company, but she didn’t apologize or try to explain herself, she just got all pouty and continued to say she just didn’t get it.

My granny was born in 1921 or 1922, and she remained ignorant of the fact that racial equality was supposed to be a big part of our society. She really didn’t seem to get it. The “N-bomb” was something she would say when talking of any black person, and I was raised to believe firmly in the fact that all people are people, and we have to look beyond things like skin color. However, it was something she was never capable of comprehending. She loved watching Oprah (she would call her “Opal”), but would always refer to her as “the N word”. Other television shows, like Sanford & Son, The Jeffersons, and 227, all about African American lives, were also among her favorites, but she never hesitated with the racial slur that has always made me feel so bad inside.

Anyway, it was Friday afternoon. I was late getting to the Revenue Office to get my temporary tags renewed, but I have to drive Maya to Kentucky for her spring break and I couldn’t go without expired tags. So the people in the office were nice enough to make an exception for me, because I was desperate and crying and such. They took pity on my plight, and let me in. I had to get my registration and license from the car, and when I went out, this little old lady pulls up into the handicap spot in this big white car with one of those miniature yappy little dogs, gets out, and slides in with me when I go back into the office, even though I inform her they’re closed.

This was an egregious error in judgment on my behalf, as I learned almost immediately. They asked her to leave (very politely), and said they couldn't make any more exceptions. She was argumentative, but she did go... just far enough to realize how pissed off she was about the whole thing.

Then she came back for Round Two. She banged on the door, asking for the manager. She started yelling at the Tax Collector and asked to speak to the manager above him. When he told her that he was the only manager, and that he ran the facility, she said, "I meant I want to talk to someone white!"

The manager turned around and laughed slightly, in disbelief. Aghast, I exclaimed, "Oh, no she did NOT just drop a race bomb!" then turned back to the woman with a serious face on and very professionally informed her that it was seriously nothing personal, and that he couldn't compel his employees to work over-time, as they are a gov't facility. I was sitting in this room, feeling pretty ashamed on behalf of this woman, and quite awkward, considering I was one unkempt looking white girl in an office with three very nicely put together, clean, nicely dressed black people (one was a male customer, sitting at the table across from me; one was a female, working behind the counter; and the only other person was the aforementioned manager).

Finally, the beastie of an old woman went away, and my shock turned to dismay, embarrassment, shame, and all sorts of sad things. I said something to the man across from me about how I couldn't understand why people even still have such an ignorance about races, and how really we are one race- the HUMAN race -and that regardless of any joking and stereotyping people do, everyone should be able to understand something that simple. I think I was more upset than anyone in the place. They were all super nice about it. The man I'd commented to told me that all you can do is pray for people, his temp tags were issued, and he left.

I mulled that over while the woman prepared my tags. She and her boss had done a great favor for me, and I felt that the old biddy's unladylike behavior was a horrid example of white people. I felt like crap. I left that day feeling a little disappointed in humanity. Now, I don't pray.. but I feel like I need to continue to emphasize that we are all one family to my daughter. All you can do is teach your children to grow up and be better than the generations before. When I see people laugh, cry, hug, interact... I don't think of what color they are or if they're going home to a certain type of existence. I appreciate cultural differences, but I understand that people are people, with feelings and emotions and no one person is superior to another because of race.

I would like to think that woman went home and thought about the shit curve ball she threw into that conversation, but I doubt it. All I really know is that I have thought about it a lot, and I refuse to ever let that kind of behavior emanate from me.

So yeah. What a fucked up day that turned out to be.
Don't be racist.

old friends, same places...

& i love you more than i ever recalled.

Fox News Obituary Trashes Kurt Vonnegut