how did i get here? how did my life become this? when i think back on
it, it seems no less extraordinary than any of the other life-changing
events i have experienced. but i feel lost in translation, i feel
hormonal, i feel unsure, off-balance, emotional, sad, happy, confused,
itchy, like i'm viewing what's going on instead of actually experiencing
it. it's surreal. is this reality? i would say yes... but then i
would wonder how.
how, again, my life has changed completely in
a matter of moments. there are some really big things that happen on a
few specific certain days that determine what your life will become.
one tiny incident can change it all, one action can set off a chain
reaction and boom! life as you know it has changed.
i moved away
from my hometown again. this time i am 8 hours away instead of 13.
this time i am not near a beach or any family. this time i am putting
all of my faith into someone i have only known a little while, but who i
will know for the rest of my life.
greg, i am happy with
him. he is amazing. he still opens and closes my car door for me. i
took him to memphis to help me move and so he could meet my best
friends, and that was about the worst possible experience of my life.
he only got along with my most functional friends. suprisingly smooth
sailing with my mom and dad, he even spent a couple of nights at my
granny's house. our situation is out of the ordinary; it is odd the way
we met, and that we decided to take the chance on having a baby..
we're still getting to know one another, we barely know anything about
each other... but i think it's going to be ok.
we rented a house
today, in mt. sterling ky. this is a country bumpkin town, 20-something
miles outside of lexington. i am unfamiliar with everything, except
mt. sterling. so, i thought that would be the best place to be. close
also to greg's mom, a lady i really love. she's so cool. so is her man
of over ten years, leo. but our home to be is cozy, a bit retro,
hardwood, in a quiet neighborhood, trees, not a subdivision where
everything looks the same... it would be cool if we had more to put in
it than a bedroom set, but the bedroom set is quite lovely, and we
wouldn't have that if not for g's mom, so i am grateful and happy for
it. now to try to make it home, with what i have left (not much, most
of it is maybe still in florida in steph's garage, i dunno), and to
start all over again.
the baby in my belly is 12 weeks old. i
need to get my insurance changed so i can see a freakin doctor. i
cannot stop spitting (how can that happen in 3 out of 3 pregnancies??
shit luck is what i say...) and i am getting really emotional. not like
all the things that are going on aren't enough... but on top of it, my
raging ass hormones are making me cry over absurd little issues, and i
feel misplaced... stranger in a strange land. depressed? maybe, but i
don't know why. perhaps it's because it's all happening so fast.
perhaps it's because my hives have gotten a thousand times worse and i
itch all the time. i keep having to go to the emergency room and all
they give me over and over is medicine that will eventually kill me.
i'm
committed to my relationship. i just wish i had my wits about me a bit
more. i dunno. i don't like how some of my tendencies freak greg
out. for instance, he thought my free-lovin hippie travelin ass days
were long gone. gone, but not long gone. i'm still very free-spirited,
to a fault in my mind sometimes. i have to recognize that i am going
to be living a normal life, this is what i have chosen for myself.
sometimes my gut gets that urge... that feeling that i'm missing so
much, but what? nothing really. nothing's goin on without me that
would be happening any differently if i were there. a bunch of empty
situations that won't get me ahead in life... i don't even know why i
think about it now, like it's even an option.
i am determined to
be happy and to love my life. and my man, and maya, and this baby, and
never regret or wish to change anything. and i'm sticking to it.
fuck. alright then.
my granny has to have a pacemaker put in on
july 5th. i am worried sick. i feel guilty that i left her home, but i
did it to make a life for myself with the person i love. is that so
wrong, so selfish? i am in love, and i am trying to be the best person i
can be... what more can i do?
so anyway everyone, i am alive
and well. i am in love and i have a nice, safe, comfy roof over my
head. i dont think i will have the internet for a good long while, but i
can go places when the need is dire to get on mycrack and check up, so
please write to me and be in touch. i don't have a new phone number or
anything... but i will check this spot as often as i can. until next
time, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.
