Requiem

On Thursday, April 16th, 2020 at approximately 6pm Eastern time, I was wrapping up another arduous workday in a position I mostly enjoy as a travel agent. A position that  began as a fun job, the onset of this new decade’s pandemic has turned the enjoyable work of helping people explore this beautiful world and more about helping clients reschedule or cancel trips they’ve been looking forward to. While what I do may not be considered essential for most people, travel is a passion that has been inside of me for as long as I can remember. It’s exhausting and chaotic to manage a multiple trips with many moving components, and I put my full effort into servicing my clients in every way possible - regardless of if they’re booking a trip or having to cancel a trip. Of course, it’s not nearly as fun to handle so many people at once when things are not going well for global health. Now that the World Health Organization and CDC are involved, now that the sometimes deadly and highly infectious COVID-19 virus has become a worldwide pandemic, I’m trying to be present at work to help just with as much commitment and care for cancelling trips that I took when I was helping clients book them. I’m just so grateful to have a job which I am attempting to form into a career, especially now that over 20 million citizens in this country have been laid off or let go. 

On this particular day, I was still in the sanctity of my home office - that’s one thing I’ll credit to Covid: I enjoy working at home so much. In my guest room, my beautiful girl Maya, visiting from Memphis, was plugging away at her virtual community college class work online, trying to make sure she finishes this semester on time, with a solid GPA, and in good standing (so proud of her hard work & dedication). 

My cell phone rang and it was Maya’s nana, Karen, calling from Tennessee. Not uncommon. Maya’s visiting for a few months at least, and (since she lives at Karen’s house in Memphis) it’s not unusual at all to hear from her. I answered like I normally do; her nana is one of the strongest, most level-headed people I know, and I like hearing from her. 

This time though, there was something in the tone of her voice, some measured exterior of calmness and composure, that told me something was terribly wrong, and she said she had bad news. She phoned to relay that Maya’s father Chris, who I had a very long, bumpy relationship with, passed away after losing a long and tragic war within himself. Apparently that same morning, sometime between 9:30-11:30 CST, her son Chris killed himself. 

For a second, I was sure it was a mistake. Information like this couldn’t be correct. I protested that she couldn’t be right. I walked out of the office & all I could say were things like: “What? No! That can’t be right! Oh my god. That can’t be true. No! There’s no way that’s right!” 

Without consciously thinking of it, I started to walk outside. I’d answered her on speaker, assuming she’d have a question or something for Maya, who appeared instantaneously in the open front door frame while I paced on the porch, asking me what was going on, why Karen had called me and not her, what the matter was. I didn’t, I literally couldn’t, bring myself to repeat the words Karen had just said to me to my daughter, to my firstborn baby that is made up of Chris & me combined. It seems like I just sort of detached from reality and gave Maya the phone. I honestly don’t remember those first few minutes... all I can recall is pain that shook me to my core, and the pain it brought is one of the strongest I’ve ever felt. 

Initially reeling from this news, I primarily reached out to the people closest to me, two of whom were brave enough to break their self-quarantine and came over immediately. I will be forever grateful for that. I have to emphasize a huge “thank you” to my beautiful little sister Melanie, and one of the best friends I’ve ever had, Stephanie. Having their presence made everything seem a bit better. If they ever read this (they won’t), I hope they know that I am endlessly grateful for them braving the pandemic to come be by our sides.

Once it sunk in enough, I starting letting people from our past know. Some of these people I hadn’t spoken to in years. Many have borne witness to times where we together as a couple who was crazy in love, as well as separated or broken up, full of acrimony towards the another, as well as witnessing the times when we could just speak as old friends. What a nightmare shitshow we could be. I want to thank everyone who has listened to me cry and shown support. 

We will be okay; however, this is very so hard to fathom. Tell the people you care about as often as possible, hold each other close, and please - if you ever need to talk to someone and reach out for help, do not ever hesitate to do it. 

For Christopher Michael French, I hope wherever you are, you’re finally at peace. You were loved more than you will ever comprehend. Thank you for giving me the most beautiful, amazing daughter anyone could imagine having. 04/23/1981 - 04/16/2020. 

•Memorial Service for Chris French•

Since this has occurred during such tumultuous time while we all practice social distancing & self-quarantine due to the current health crisis, the service for Chris is going to be virtual. If you wish to join us to say goodbye, you’re more than welcome. Date: Saturday, April 25, 2020 Pacific Time: 12:00pm Mountain Time: 1:00pm Central Time: 2:00pm Eastern Time: 3:00pm To join the service, you’ll need to download Zoom from your iPhone or Google Play Store, or on your PC. It is free to do so. When it’s time to begin, please click on this link to be included: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/81067835850 You will be prompted to enter this Meeting ID: 810 6783 5850 Find your local number: https://us02web.zoom.us/u/kdaugnfMp 

 Please know that I’m sending much love, peace, & gratitude for your consideration!

For the Love of Russian

The coffee shop across the street from where you used to live
     was my favorite coffee shop in Lexington
I liked watching Frazier and Always Sunny in Philadelphia with you
    and making fun of your love of science fiction
I thought your Nietzsche finger puppet was hilarious and your love of Rush was bizarre
    (it's comforting that you ended up liking Modest Mouse- you're welcome)
I know you know I'm a sucker for words (in any language) and weirdos
     you linguist weirdo
Every time i'd visit you in the bookstore your smile would warm me up from the inside
     It'll be good to give you a hug one of these days, hear you call me ladyface

I am so glad you're one of my friends
   How in the world did we end up seeing GWAR anyway???

GWAR @ Buster's 2012

Possum Living in 2013

...Have you heard of it? Because I am so, so beyond done. I will be 31 in 3 days. I don't like what's going on with the govt. I don't like the further shaving off of our liberties. I abhor the social workers and the way they take children away from people who have done nothing wrong. I'm fed up. I'm sick and tired of it all. And in this year of my life by god, I am going to change my existence... starting with my way of life. It's going to be hard, arduous. I will sweat and bleed and cry. But when the shit inevitably hits the fan, I will be self-sufficient and ready. I am going to be reunited with my baby and I am going to be an excellent mother not only to him but to my beautiful 12 year old who I have finally become responsible for her as I should have when I was a teenage mother so long ago, long before my dad went to watch television and never woke up and I moved 3000 miles to be with my little girl and start over... again, and hopefully for at least a decade. It's happening. Big changes. I'm done with asshole men and fucked relationships. I'm done with vain attempts at the proverbial "American Dream" bullshit I was never able to buy into in the first place. I am not running away, nor am I starting over again because of some flippant decision. It was difficult and I knew it was going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I feel like my heart broke... but it's still beating and I am not even beginning to show my capacity for living well and fighting the good fight. Here's to turning 31 and finally not only getting the concept, but beginning to apply it to my life and to making my life my own... and the best one anyone could ever give the children she loves so very, very much and will be devoting her life to foremost.. not just because it's the right thing to do, but because I want to do it more than I have ever wanted anything, and because they are more important than any stupid ideas or wanderings I have ever thought important before. I am done with selfishness. I am going to fix this. And I am going to begin immediately. http://www.possumliving.com/ http://www.wikihow.com/Live-the-DIY-Life-as-Described-in-%22Possum-Living%22

I'm so Smart I'm Practically Retarded

Where have I ended up as of now? In Missoula, MT since Xmas. Now past my due date, I am both eager to meet my son & terrified of having another baby. I live in a trailer, an old leaky single-wide piece of shit (for lack of a better term) with 3 broken out windows, exposed sub-flooring, a sinkless bathroom, an old marijuana grow room, a leaky sewage problem, a very unmotivated boyfriend, and (since the last few days) a neighbor who I guess has been offered a place to stay by my significant other now that he & his girlfriend have parted ways.

I've been working a job at a gas station, graveyard shifts, but my pregnancy finally sent me on early maternity leave 3/17. I am having a really difficult time with this one, even though he's been easiest on me with pregnancy, he's been the most difficult in other ways & I am really shocked to find myself bringing a fourth child into the world- as well as disappointed by the circumstances.

I thought my significant other would be gainfully employed by now but such is not the case & although I won't say he's done nothing in regards to our relationship, I will confess that in terms of obtaining employment there has been nothing but the occasional attempt at a scam, and those have heretofore only been a nuisance and attributed to me as well, leaving me in potential trouble for his oh-so-clever misdeeds.

I honestly don't know what to do. Today is the celebration of Easter, of rebirth... Maybe something will change. Something needs to happen!

Guten Tag

So here are the rules:

Post the rules
Answer the questions
Create 11 new questions
Tag 11 people with a link to your post
Let them know you’ve tagged them
Questions

Do you have a test or tests that help you judge someone’s character? Loaning them something that they will have to pay me back for & waiting to see if they will actually do it.

When did you first feel like a grown-up? I guess when I realized I was no longer at home in my parents' house. It was sad.

What is something you read that made you wish you could write that well? The Gospel of Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, and many things by Vonnegut & Tom Robbins. Also, the simple beauty of The Giving Tree.

What do you say when you answer the phone? Usually I say "what up dude?" (or lady, or mama- depending on who it is). If its not someone I know, I stick with the traditional hello.

Have you ever stiffed someone on a tip? Maybe a couple of times if they totally sucked. They'd have to have done something really crappy though.

Do you have a favorite writing utensil? I like roller ball pens.

Do you use a calendar? Sho nuff.

Do you have road rage? Only if I'm super late for something & people are driving like jerks. Or if someone is blatantly rude to me first.

Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night but not all night. The graveyards shifts I worked were killing me.

What surprised you about blogging when you first started? It honestly wasn't surprising, but it made me realize I didn't want everyone on the net getting to read anything too personal... Bc what If they knew me & gossip & drama!!!... You know. So I tried to be more guarded.

If you could drink anything at all, what would you choose? This immediately sends me to adult beverage mode bc I've been pregnant forever. Bloody Mary. Yum.

Now for the eleven questions my friend concocted:

Coke or Pepsi? Or Fanta (we don’t judge)? Dr Pepper

What is your guilty pleasure? Definitely not admitting this online.

The Beatles or the Rolling Stones? Beatles. But in terms of single artist, Bob Dylan hands down.

Describe your first crush. A kid who Ninja Turtles with me in 2nd grade.

How often do you respond to/ pass along blogging honors, such as the Versatile Blogging Award? I so suck, not a very active blogger.. I still journal!

Where would you travel if you could go anywhere? India, Nepal, Thailand. And I'd like to see Macchu Pichu.

Did you have cable TV growing up? My granny got it as a treat for us when I was in 1st grade, then at some point in the country where my parents' home was, Dad bootlegged it.

What’s the most interesting thing you’ve ever eaten? Um... for some reason this sends my mind to a dirty place.

Why do you blog? Because I like to write & always have, it makes me timeless.

What’s the worst gift you’ve ever been given? I'm not sure. I probably re-gifted it.

Any baby advice? Roll with the punches.

Now I'm supposed to write 11 ?s... but I don't have anyone to tag. However, stuff to ponder:

When you were little, if you were a girl, did you kiss frogs or toads trying to turn them into princes? If you were a boy, did you ever needlessly kill frogs?

What was the best nighttime dream you remember having?

Tell me about one of your favorite local dive bars or restaurants & your fave thing to get there and why.

What's the most physically uncomfortable you've ever been?

Coffee or tea & what's your fave drink of your bean or leaf water choice?

Have you ever skinny dipped & if so what was your experience like (or favorite one if you've done it repeatedly)?

In terms of alcohol what's your fave kind? Beer, liquor, wine? Fave adult drink?

What's your favorite season & why?

What do you consider to be the coolest city you've visited or lived in & why?

Have you ever seen the Northern Lights?

If you could live in any city for a while, where would it be? Or would you want to settle down there?